Sunday, December 30, 2012

Personal Bullshit

Sorry folks, there are no jokes today. Just want to share a few details of my personal hell with you all. Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I need somewhere to say it, and here it all is.

First I am very sick. I have been since last week and my last post. It is a week later and I am still doing fairly bad. I have a lot of pressure in my chest, my ribs hurt form couching and nothing ever coming up. It seem likely I need doctor, but I have no insurance and less money. So lets hope some vitamin C is enough to get me back on a healthy path. If it doesn't, then I guess I might just learn that last punchline.

Second my brother's wife just had their first child. It is a little girl. Knowing the two of them, the best name the child could have is "future abuse victim".  Seems criminal that a pair like them can have a child with no one doing anything to stop them. Well too late now, in 16-18 year the child will be a problem for the state. Sometimes an abortion would be a better solution for all parties involved.

Thirdly, and lastly, I think I have lost my woman. No point in details here. How can I explain something I don't fully understand? She might be gone, but I still love her. Might not matter to her if I love her, but I do and always will.

Well that is all my sad bullshit. Sorry for the lack of humor. Next week, and next year we will laugh together again. Happy New year, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays. On New Years, have a drink for me.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Gameboy Micro Review

Well I am really sick right now. So lets keep this short.

This is a review of the Game Boy Micro I did. It is a little system that came and went fairly fast. While a quality system and good at what it did, it wasn't what the public wanted at the time.

I would like to movie on from photo-montage videos, but sadly I don't have a camera that can do any good video work. Hope you liked the review. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and what ever the hell you want to hear this time of year.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

The "War" on Christmas

Some people claim there exist a war on Christmas. This is untrue. If a war on Christmas was ever waged, clearly Christmas won and then enslaved the survivors of the losing side. So clearly it is time for someone to try to take down Christmas. So lets ask some uncomfortable questions about this holiday.

There are those who claim we need more "Christ" in Christmas. Alright, if you feel that way. However, first I am going to ask you to prove that this "Christ" character ever actually existed. Sure, some various churches claim to have proof, but they have a certain interest in keeping people believing in "Christ", more than a bit of a conflict of interest. A body of this man would be great proof, but sadly if we find one, that will lead to the death of Christmas. So, Christians, the ball is in your court on this one. If you want more "Christ", just prove he was real, and not a collective driven imaginary friend.

Some people say Christmas is too commercial. They might have a point. Then again, the economy is rather bad at the moment. If Christmas is so commercial, would the economy be this bad? Seems like a overly commercial event would do a lot to help the economy, yet Christmas doesn't seem to be helping all that much. So lets spend more money, and spend less time with asshole we hate (family).

There is a separation of church and state in my country. So they say. However, Christmas is a national holiday. This is a supposedly christian holiday it is "CHRIST-mas' after all. So how much separation between church and state is there, when a clearly christian holiday is a national public holiday?

There is no war on Christmas, but there should be. So lets start one. Lets make it as forgotten as all of the various "saint" days.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

Yes, as it that time of year, we need at least one new song parody. Hope you enjoy it.

On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Obvious Things People Don't Seem to Understand.

Lot of stupid people out there. So here is a message to all of them.

1. That big box will not fit in your car. No, I don't care how you have bullshitted yourself. Get your hands on a truck or SUV. If you have no friends with a bigger vehicle, then you don't get to buy the big TV.

2. Andrew W.K. has only one song he keeps making. "Beat beat beat name of the song".

3. Not shopping at somewhere does not make you a better person.

4. Going out of your way to shop somewhere doesn't make you a better person.

5. Your children are ugly and annoying. Also, you should of had an abortion. Your mother should have too.

6. In-N-Out Burger sucks now. What the fuck happened to the meat? It has gotten so damn small.

7. It doesn't matter who the president is. Never has, never will.

8. Alcohol is the best energy drink.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Christmas Assholery

Well Thanksgiving is over, so we are in the "official Christmas season". Rather than bitch, let's have some fun with this season. People are at there worst during this season, so it seems only right to screw with them. How can we use the elements of this season to make this season fun?

In the overcrowded parking lots there are many way to have fun. Organize a card game that take place in a parking lot. Bring a large folding table (or several) and take up as many spaces as you can with your friends gambling. Make sure someone in the group buy some gum form a store connected to the parking lot, so you can't be accused of loitering. If gambling isn't your thing, you can do the same thing with a game like "Magic the Gathering" or "Warhammer". Do whatever you like at the tables, the idea is to take up as may spaces as possible to make the parking situation that much worse. Keep in mind nothing about this is illegal, it is just a massively asshole like behavior. 

Now if you actually must go into a store you need not limit yourself to only shopping. You could always play with the placing of prices on the shelves, or the location of merchandise. Either will have the same effect. While people backs are turned you can take the time to remove or add items from/to their cart.  Of course if all of that is too much work for you, there exist other options. Why not eat some Mexican food and then go to the most crowded part of a store and let the pressure release. Then there is taking up the time of sales people looking for products you know they don't have, and asking questions they can't answer. Not only are you wasting the time of the sales person, you are wasting the time of every actual paying customer.

There are many thing you can do. Be creative, and know the law. You will be amazed at how far you can go without breaking any laws.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Thanksgiving Plans

Today, lets get a little personal. Let all my reader(s) in on what I do for Thanksgiving. It is not really what most people do, but it is what I have come to do.

Well I don't do much. I see no family. I eat no turkey. No interest is paid to any parade, or sporting event. Most things that are generally associated with the holiday are entirely devoid of my Thanksgiving. It is not to say that I have no traditions, they just are just not what other people do.

What I do is enjoy a few meals out. I go to Carl's Jr, every year since I was 16. I drive through alone, and eat in my vehicle.

Knowing this is the "official" start of the Christmas season I watch the only Christmas movie I approve of: "The Ref" and "Bad Santa". Always hoping for anther anti-Christmas movie to come along, seem to be many years between their releases.

 This is how my Thanksgiving goes. It is the same every year. That is a little look into my world.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Yuletide Rapin'

I don't want to talk about Christmas. I don't want to think about it. I sure as hell had no plans to blog about it this week, or this month. Sadly, after today, I simply must. Today started alright, then I had to go buy a few things. It is when I went into stores that it became impossible to ignore Christmas.

In every store you are greeted at the door with a yuletide raping. Every where you go Santa is waiting, with his pal Jesus, to tie you down with tinsel and take turns on you with their "yule logs". Sometimes they take turns, sometimes they go both at once, it doesn't matter, they are waiting for you at every store. They also go by the motto "Blood is nature lube". In the worst of cases they let the reindeer have a go.

Everywhere you go there are poorly made decoration punishing your eyes. Screaming children and yelling adults making you wish for sweet silence of death. Every where there are heaters on, making rivers of sweat and stink. Why must everything about Christmas make to world so much worse? Why does it have to have to involve the torture of every one of the senses?

We must start a war against Christmas. We need to see that it is contained, and isolated. Make it so it only exists a week before December 25.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Thankgiving Sucks.

Before we start, two small things. First, happy to say I got over 2000 views on one YouTube video. While that isn't huge in the grand scope of things, it still feel nice to see that when you have only been at it for a few months. Secondly, does anyone know what happened to the Square Alliance website? I suspect the guy who ran it finally just blew his brains out, but I am looking for some confirmation. Alright, personal shit out of the way. Sorry for starting with personal shit two weeks in a row.

On to the usual.

Thanksgiving is a kick in the nuts. It leads to nothing good, and at this point it has lost all meaning. Time

You get a four day weekend, but you end up wasting two of the days, so really you have gained nothing. Thursday is killed by seeing people you hate. Worse you are expected to act like you give a shit about them. Friday is a waste because it is the start of the Christmas season, so you either shop, or avoid doing anything to avoid crowds. At the very least they should the Monday after should be given off too, then you still have three days that wouldn't suck.

You have to see people you hate. Grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, honestly even your own parents and siblings are more than somewhat of a drag. You haven't ever really given a shit about any of them, but you have had to fake it all your life. Worst, on Thanksgiving you get nothing for your effort. These people suck, and you have to force conversation and fake interest, and for your efforts all you get is a bad meal and feeling of shame.

The food is never as good as it should be. Seriously, the turkey is always overcooked, dry, and honestly seems more than a bit pasted its prime. Stuffing that is either too wet or burned, and stuffing done right is great, never seen it done right at a Thanksgiving dinner. Underdone potatoes, always to hard and cold in the center. Far too sweet canned cranberry sauce that is all gel and no actual berries. Why do we suffer through this every year?

It is the "official" start of the Christmas season. No... NO... I won't rant about this, I won't acknowledge Christmas's existence till after the false holiday of Thanksgiving is over. You know, do the thing people used to do.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Two Things, One Serious, One not so much.

Alright, two things today. First the more serious. I wold like to get more eyes on this blog, and more eyes on my various YouTube videos (channel right at the top of the page). Problem is, I have no idea how to do that. Does anyone? I would love any advice. I want to make people laugh, but you can't do that without an audience. This is not meant as a plea for help, or a cry for attention, this is just something on my mind I wanted to share with the good readers(or is viewers the right term) that I have. Thank you.

Now on to more usual schitck...

The Halloween time has stirred up some thoughts on horror. Not only horror, but fantasy and science fiction as well. These all being genres associated with Halloween to varying degrees. All get a bit of a spotlight on them for the month of October.

Are zombies and animated skeletons connected in some way? Does a zombie at a certain point become skeleton? Like if the zombie's flesh were to completely rot away, would the zombie then simply become an animated skeleton? Or are they completely unrelated? Sure they are both undead, beyond that are more closely connected?

While on the subject of zombies, do the cognitive abilities of a zombie degrade over time? When first risen, or turned, is a zombie at its peak? Or does it become better with age? Is a zombie more like beer or wine? If zombie are made by some kind of disease or infection, are some people more resistant than others? And would natural mutations lead to different breeds of zombie?

Has there ever been a medieval fantasy in which the adviser to the king wasn't corrupt? Seems like adviser, consort, vizier, or whatever, is not just corrupt but grossly corrupt. Shouldn't there be some screening for this kind of job? To work at a retail store you need a back ground check and a drug test, shouldn't someone with the ear of the king get at least the same treatment? Or are all of them just political douchebags that got where they are at with bribes and ass kissing? Seems like some tighter standards should be held by kings.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Halloween Hatred.

It is no secret that that I love Halloween. Recently some people pointed out that I throw hate and insult on all the other holidays, and show only love for Halloween. This is true, there is no debating it. So today we will talk about some "pet peeves" of mine about Halloween. So let the hate being.

Anyone that has ever put a costume on their pet. This is not a holiday for pets, and no pet has ever wanted or needed to wear cloths. It is not cute, it is a sign to the world that you have, or will, made/make love to your pet at some point. A pet is not a child, you are not a parent. You an asshole with a creepy relationship with your animal.

All the religious groups that come out of the woodwork when Halloween time comes. No "god" gives a shit about Halloween. If you think your "god" does, find a better one. "Satan" has better things to do than getting people to hand out tiny candies while in costume. If "Satan" is running any holiday, it is Christmas.

Seeing the sad kid with no costume. Usually the child of an insane couple. They have some issue with Halloween (likely based in some religious gibberish), and feel the need to force it on to the child. Children have enough bullshit to deal with, there is no need to heap more on them. Let them have some free candy, and dress up like whatever it is they are into these days. 

People giving out pennies. Pennies are not candy. Pennies are just barely currency. People hand them out should get cancer, and some heavy metal poisoning for good measure. If you hand out pennies you house deserves to get egged. Go spend 20$ on some chocolate.

There is hate here, even for the only good holiday Halloween. While generally the good overshadows the bad, the bad is still there. Only a few more days left till Halloween, then the horrors (and whores) of Christmas start.

Sunday, October 14, 2012


A video I made about a game I remember fondly. It was back on the SNES. Enjoy.

funny, comedy, humor, earthbound, mother, nintendo, SNES, wtf, wtf moments, talk, discussion, video games, video, youtube, fetus, alien, 16-bit, mother 2, rpg, jrpg, console rpg,

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Halloween Don'ts

Long time reader of this blog will know of my love for Halloween. It is the only good holiday, the only holiday I have good memories of as a child. In recent years things things have started to happen that need to be put to an end.

Don't hand out things that aren't candy. Pretzels are not candy. Raisins are not candy,  they are not even nature's candy, handing them out will lead to your house being rightfully egged. If you are giving out dental supplies, they had better come with some fucking chocolate. If you hand out pennies children are within there rights to kill your pets.

Don't go to a church function on Halloween.There is more than enough superficial religious dressing on other holidays.  We don't need this taint on Halloween. We need scares, free candy, and as much distance form religion as we can get. If you must go to a church on Halloween it should be to perform hilarious pranks in the black of night.

Don't send your child to school without a costume. Is getting your kid beaten at school worth whatever bullshit you are into? In fact if Halloween is on a school night, just let the kid take Halloween and the day after off. With or without costume give the kid a good memory.

Don't do any Christmas shopping before Halloween. The line must be drawn here. Christmas has taken over Thanks Giving. We can't let another Holiday be steamrolled by the unholy curse that is Christmas. We must fight Christmas by making Halloween bigger, and longer. Slowly letting Halloween bleed into November till we have pushed Christmas back into December.

This one is for the women out there, don't be pissed when men look at you in your "sexy ______" outfit. I say "sexy ______" because every costume for women is basically a fetish whore outfit. Nurse, cat, vampire, zombie, cop, whatever else you got, are all just hooker outfits with a theme that barely justifies it as a costume. If you dress like a whore, don't be pissed when you get looked at as such. Not that I am complaining about the outfits, only the bitchy attitude that comes with them far to often.

Halloween is great, lets keep it that way.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Inappropriate Gifts.

Sometimes you need to make a point. At times the best way to make a point can be with a gift. So lets see.

Have to go to a baby shower? Why not give the expecting mother something she will never forget. A single wire hanger...

Know someone going through a bad break up? There is only one gift to get them. The gift that works like magic to kill pain be it physical, psychological, or emotional. Alcohol.

What if you knew someone down on their luck? Someone without hope. The kind of person that is about to, or already has, given up. There is one thing you can get them that will do far more harm than good...

Sunday, September 23, 2012

A Plan for the Children.

So many children making unnecessary noise places. Yes, this is not a new topic, but today it is more than complaint. Today there is a plan to deal with and help the children to be presented.

Electroshock collars that are mandatory in public on all children under the age of 13. These collars would do three things. One, it would shock the child for being too loud for too long. Second, it would keep children from misbehaving, the older one picking on the little one, taken care of with a long shock. Thirdly, it would instill fear. Every adult would be given a remote for the collars, so anyone can stop any undesired behavior. Imagine a trip to grocery where all the children are silent, well mannered, and never is a seen made.

Better school. Children need to be better educated. They need to have teachers that don't want to kill themselves. So we need to pay the teacher more, but hold them to a far higher standard. Less time wasted with coloring and bad fiction. More time spent on history, math, philosophy, and fiction that actually teaches a lesson. Philosophy, taught properly, could prevent many issues with children.

A license to breed. Parents are by far the largest influence on a child. People in an abusive relationship having a child will inflict abuse on the child. People that are immature are far more likely to be neglectful toward their children. Parents need not be held to a financial or educational standard, only to standards of maturity, stability, and psychological fitness. Better stock when breeding leads to better children. This is not a matter of race, or a matter of class, only a matter of finding good people to have children.

Allow children to fight to the death. In school some children are picked-on and tormented. This isn't right. So imagine if that little smart mouth that is making fun of a larger child had to face the wrath of the larger child. It would be a small ring, where the smaller and mouthier child couldn't run. All the other children would have to watch this fight. After the picked-on child smashed the face of the other child a few dozen times, they will never be made fun of again, and the other mouthy children will think twice about making-fun of anyone. The fights could only be one on one, and go on till the original victim is satisfied.  It wouldn't be allowed to happen without reason, there would need to a "strike" system in place, an adult witness to the misconduct and/or other such safe guards to prevent a child that simply enjoys violence from taking advantage of the system. This could make school a much better experience for the vast majority of students. Less stress at school would lead to less acting out other places.

These are just a start of what could be a better world. A world that is more polite. Over population, could even be quelled in time. Remember, this is all for the children. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Things I miss.

Just reflecting on somethings that are gone, never to return. So here are a few things I miss. Maybe you miss them too. Maybe you are glad to see them gone. Either way, these things aren't coming back.

TV before "Reality TV". You know when television shows were more than whores trying to turn a complete lack of talent into drama. Sadly it is so cheap to make that it will never go away. No matter how little anyone watches, it makes more than its money back.

Violence in schools. Once upon a time you a student could deal with their fellow students by beating them till they left you the hell alone. Now there is this "zero tolerance" bullshit. This lets mouthy little bastards get away with whatever they want, they never learn a lesson about running their mouths. We need to let children fight, so ever little shit losses their baby teeth by force.

When you could easily tell which women were whores. Now almost every woman dresses like a whore. It is god damn confusing. Sure, it is some nice eye candy, but it is also a tease.

The 16-bit era of gaming. There were so many new ideas, so many directions that one could go with the medium. Gritty and realistic is nice, but I don't want entertainment to always be realistic. It was also nice to see a protagonist that wasn't a militant douche, or a criminal. Also, back then not nearly as many franchises turned to shit.

When the job market was good. Mostly for the money.

The days before everyone had a camera. Cell phones have made it so much hard to get away with various crimes. Its like the deck is stacked against you now.

My own sanity. Like Ozzy said "Of all the things I miss, I miss my mind the most". It is debatable if said it first, but the meaning is what matters. The horrors of reality slowly twist the mind, and a mind can only twist so far before it can stand no more.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

More Pet Peeves.

This is yet another series of major psychotic hatreds that will one day drive me insane.

Morning people. It is the morning, the world is a hideous bitch-goddess right now, and will be till at least noon. If you are smiling in the morning, you need death... both slow and painful. The morning is a cruel, and must be stopped for the good of all humanity.

People that have it bad but are still upbeat. Your world is hell, embrace the negativity. Let the hate for your own existence shape your world view and harm everyone around you.

Chicks that think they are 10s when they are about a 6. You not that hot. Pull the stick out of your ass and grow a personality. Also, you don't look any better than your friends, you are not the pretty one, you might be the bitchiest.

"BBQ" items at fast food places.  Good BBQ takes hour of slow cooking. No fast food place will do that. It is just cheap meat and sauce that is far too sweet.

People under 30 that say "back in the day". There is no back in the day for you, you are in "the day" right now. Back in the day these people were still fetuses, if not a sperm that hadn't yet found an egg (or the other way around if you prefer).

Other people's kids. May they all find dad's gun and have an accident. May they all run into the street after a ball at the exact wrong moment. Unless they are well behaved in public, then they are alright. Haven't seen any kids that were alright in a long time.

Waiters/Waitresses with attitude. Serving food wasn't your first choice. You may go on to something better later. However, right now you are serving food to people and refilling drinks. Don't be an asshole just because it sucks.

Anyone that is under 35 that thinks they found "true love". She is the first cunt on your penis, you are the first guy willing to put up with her level of crazy. This is not love. You will find your other half fucking one of your friend in a month or two. Don't act all broken up when it happens. Don't do the same thing with the next fuck partner you find. Love is a young man's folly, and is a game more suited to a mature man.

People into politics that think they are deep.You are not deep. You are not original. Everything you have to say has been said before. Had one of these douchebags tell me how much there professors thought of them, this just shows the level of immaturity at work. Firstly, any student worth a shit know the opinions of the professor only matter if you are sucking up, secondly no one else cares if they praise you. Grow the fuck up, and see if it is still possible to pull your head out of your ass. 

Morning radio.This is making people dumber.

Optimism.The world is not that great. James Branch Cabell said it best: "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Some Random Thoughts and a Review.

Election time is near. Since the last election we learned that having a black guy in office is the same as having a white guy in office, I figured as much, but some people seem surprised by this. The people that are surprised would generally be racists... or "set in there ways" if you want to be politically correct.

Superman sucks. He is a relic form the early days of comics, and need to take some time off. Maybe they could kill him... again... but this time actually mean it. Or they could bring back Bizarro World comics, that would be some interesting PR for the franchise.

Could religious people just shut the fuck up? For that matter could anyone that is really deeply into something just the fuck up? It might be god, it might be politics, it might be a lack of god, it might be a book or movie, whatever it is just stop talking about. Leave other people alone. Keep your shit to yourself. Or if you are really into something, just blow your brains out. I heard someone where that "suicide is painless", test out that idea for us.

Also I made a review. It is a review of the second generation camera for the Sony PSP.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Things That Suck.

Some experiences just suck. Theses things happen to everyone from time to time, and there isn't much that can be done about it. There are things in life that just suck.

When you get into watching a show only to find out it is already cancelled. This usually happens when a show is syndicated. It is on when you have nothing else to watch so you settle on it as you know nothing about it. You see an episode or two and like it. You look to see when new episode are on, and it was cancelled last year. It is a real kick in the balls.

The place you want to eat is out of what you want. You want something, and they are out of whatever it might be. This comes in two forms generally, where they are out for the night, and where they are out and will make more but it will take some time. If they are out for the night, there is nothing to do, but pick something else, but it is never very good because it isn't what you really wanted. If they are out for now, you can wait, but is it worth an extra 45 minutes for what you want? Guess it depends how much you want it, and what it is.

That website you need is down. It is gone. You need it NOW. It might be a technical problem on there end, and it might be back later, but that doesn't help you right now. For all you know it may never return. You need something that was on it, and you have no idea where else you might find this information. Could be work related, could be something personal, doesn't matter either way as you aren't getting it.

There are many more somewhat universal experiences that suck, but this is enough for now. So many things that suck, so little time. Didn't even mention how much douchebags suck.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

My two new series.

As readers of this blog will know, I have started making youtube videos. I have decided to start two series of videos. Both are intended to be funny, a bit ranting, and more than likely a bit offensive, much like this blog. Looking to get feedback on both.

The first was inspired by my previous blog entry, it is a series about the various breeds of douchebags. This one I intend to make on a regular basis, as there are many kinds of douchebags, and all of them piss me off. If you have a particular douche you would like done, please due tell. Here is the first of the series:

The second series is just about questions. Questions being asked. This series is not meant to happen very often, as it will only happen when I have question on a subject. Here are my first few questions on a subject:

I know neither are perfect, and my skills are still being sharpened (clearly). However, I hope to make you laugh, and welcome feedback of all kinds. 

Sunday, August 12, 2012


Some people you just have no respect for. They might of just given you a horrid first impression, or they may have slowly lost your respect over the course of time. It doesn't matter either way, as no matter what they have shown themselves to be douchebags. Douchebags are all the people out there that really deserve no respect.

There are many breeds of douchebag. Much like with dogs the passage of time has allowed the douchebag to take many forms. Not all are easily identifiable, many have subtle tricks to hide their true nature. Some types are only found in certain places, or in a certain age range. Being a douchebag can be a temporary condition, but that doesn't make it any more acceptable. However, there are common traits to all douchebags that can help in identifying them.

There are a few common traits to all douchebags, and none of them are good things to find in a person. The first is self obsession. There is a belief deep inside the douchebag that tells them they are the center of the universe. The second is a need to impose their bullshit on to other people. A douche will go to great lengths to force other people to deal with whatever it is they are in to, or are taking part in. Thirdly, and this one is a bit situational, they will abuse even the smallest amount of power. Thankfully, not many douchebags have much in the way of power, so you won't see this trait expressed very often.

There exist far too many breeds of douchebag to name, at least here and now. There are some more common types you might run into. The boss douchebag, they are your boss, and they will ride that for all that it is worth. The internet douche, his opinion will be forced down your throat, if they are a mod or admin at a place you go just leave and never return. Workout douche, they has a lifting schedule, they either wants to impress you with it or tell you that you are in the way. Many more exist, and they are native to every place on earth.

Douches are those people that just don't deserve respect. You will have to deal with them from time to time, most likely on a daily basis. Perhaps someday a cure can be found for whatever it is that causes a person to become a douchebag.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Ideas Vol. 5

It is that time again. Been more than a little while since that last "Ideas" post.

1. A truly realistic take on Batman

A spoiled rich man goes out to fight crime with millions of dollars worth of equipment. Assuming he doesn't die on his first night out, no one really has an problem putting together who would have the funds to do this kind of thing. Also there is the issue of how long it would take to develop the various gadgets.  Prototypes don't often work perfectly, and it take a lot of money and time to develop something. Not only that but there are huge numbers of people involved when developing anything. So Batman goes out the first night, likely dies, and if he doesn't everyone already knows who he is. Realism and depression are closely connected.

2. Gambling on the Suicidal.

Many people choose to take there own life. Sometimes the signs are clear, other times not so much. Losing someone is always a tragedy. However, wouldn't some cash help with mourning process? Think about it an organization that makes odds on who will end it all, when they might do it, and how they will chose to end it. Think your good friend can't cope with their divorce? Make a little a bet that they will end it. The more details on the when and how, the more the pay off will be when it happens. 

3. Sarcastic get well cards.

These are cards to send to people you are not on good terms with. Ones that look nice on the outside but then wish ill on them once they are open. Or perhaps say "I am sorry you have a cold, I wanted it to be something much more lethal". If it is something that will kill them the card could have a nice message inside like "Once the cancer takes you, I am going to bang you wife... more so than I do already". 

Monday, July 30, 2012


Some people just can't be with only one person. You can't always tell who these people are, but there are some signs to watch for. Some are useful to find a one night stand, other are good indicators to avoid these people completely. You can't always tell if you are compatible or not, but there too are signs for that.

Want to know how loyal that married woman is? Just look at her hand. The more expensive and ornate her ring is, the more likely she is to be having some fun on the side. A woman with a simple ring with a small stone, she really love the man she is with, and wouldn't do anything to hurt him.  Loyalty here has an inverse relationship to the quality of ring.

How do you know if a man cheated? Did he travel alone? If he did, then he did. Men aren't generally looking to cheat, but aren't going to turn down a free meal. Don't like that idea? Sorry, reality doesn't care what you like.

On the other hand there is just crazy. Crazy take many forms, but it is never good in the long run. Now there are levels, and everyone has a little crazy to them. When you find the big crazy, just run. You can't fix crazy. Somethings just can't be fixed.

Speaking of "fixing" people. If are a broken person, and someone wants to fix you, it won't work. They will try, but you are what you are, and the relationship will end badly. So if you think you need to fix the person you are with, just walk away. Now if you are broken, just find a person with another kind of brokenness, something that complements your own, you will lean on one another and make something new out of the broken bits. When the right two broken people get together, they make a new and better whole.

One more thing, don't sit thinking about the one that got away. They aren't thinking of you, and you don't need the grief. Find someone else, even if only for a night.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Song Parody.

Sometimes you hear a song and you hate it. In your hate you start making up other lyrics for the song. Sometimes these amuse only yourself, other times you can make others laugh with it.

The original is by a below average band called Linkin Park, and the song "One step closer". The lyrics originally were generic angst ridden bullshit, like the vast majority of their songs, and the songs of their contemporaries. So here is a nice lyrical parody.

I cannot hold it anymore 
I've been holding it since the day before
All this piss it  makes no sense 
I need a place to drain my piss
More I drink the more I spray

You'll clean it up anyway 

(Just like before)
Every time I take a leak

(Takes me one step closer to the edge) 
(And right up on he seat) 
I need little time to piss
('Cause it's one step closer to the edge)  
(Right up on the seat)
I hate when my urine is all clear 

Drank too much and now its here 
All this piss it makes no sense 
I finally found a place to piss
Nothing seems hit the bowl  

All over  the seat again 
(Just like before)

 Every time I take a leak

(Takes me one step closer to the edge) 
(And right up on he seat) 
I need little time to piss

('Cause it's one step closer to the edge)  
(Right up on the seat)

Every time I take a leak

(Takes me one step closer to the edge) 
(And right up on he seat) 
I need little time to piss

('Cause it's one step closer to the edge)  
(Right up on the seat)
Shut up when I'm in the bathroom

Shut up, shut up, shut up  
Shut up when I'm in the bathroom  

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up 
I'm about to... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Every time I take a leak

(Takes me one step closer to the edge) 
(And right up on he seat) 
I need little time to piss

('Cause it's one step closer to the edge)  
(Right up on the seat)

Every time I take a leak

(Takes me one step closer to the edge) 
(And right up on he seat) 
I need little time to piss

('Cause it's one step closer to the edge)  
(Right up on the seat)

Monday, July 16, 2012

So I made a video.

Nothing funny here today. There is a lot of personal stuff getting in my way this week, so I don't have time to do my usual semi-funny ranting. I prefer not to go into complete detail, but it involves family, surgery, and other personal matters. Right before all of this landed on me I was attempting to make an internet video.

Here is that attempt. I know it is not a masterpiece.

I am hoping to get better at them.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Pet Peeves.

This is just a series of things that have been on my mind lately. Some people might call them pet peeves, but I am to angry for that, these are major psychotic hatreds that will one day make me snap. Feel bad for whoever is around me when that happen.

Young people that think they can solve the worlds problems. Your 19, and you think you can fix the world, but by the time you hit 23 you will have given up, and will begin to hate the person you were at 19. You can't fix the world, so please shut the hell up.

People with high ideals. They are never based in reality. There is another universe in which your ideal are practical, we don't exist in that one.

High pitched anything. Shut all children up, and oil all metal on metal contact. Duct tape and WD-40 exist for a reason.

Abusive people. Ironically these people just need a good beating. They needed one, and never got one. Might be too late now. Guess we will need to use a gun on them.

Fanboys. I don't care what you are into, nothing you say will make me care. Also how is it that fanboys are always have horrid personal hygiene, but everything they own related to their obsession is squeaky clean?

Openly religious people. Keep your imaginary friend to yourself. These people might just be fanboys themselves.

People obsessed with "reality" tv. It is just really poorly done fiction.

People that don't speak the native language of the country they are in. When I go to Canada I speak french where appropriate. When in Mexico I speak Spanish. I might not speak them perfectly, but at least I try. Is expecting the same form other so much?

Old women trying to look a lot younger than they are, it just makes it more obvious you are old bitch. Dress your age, you have never fooled anyone. The young dudes that come up to you are only there because they know you are an easy target.

People that can't hold their liquor. Man up light weight. Build your tolerance, and drink with pride.

Stoners that only talk about "legalizing it". One day it will happen, but nothing you are doing on your couch is going to speed it along.

Chicks that don't make with the head.

People that censor anything. It doesn't matter that you are offended. People can express themselves however they want. If you don't like it, ignore it, walk away from it, express yourself in a way opposed to them.

5 dollar pizzas. Yeah they are cheap, but they suck. I would rather spend 10 and get decent pizza. Better still, lets get 25 together and get a good, or maybe even great, pizza.

Anyone super into an "indy" scene. Independent stuff is just like regular stuff, 10% is great, 10% is crap, and the other 80% is in the middle. It doesn't matter if it is music, movie, video games, or anything else.

Flavored beer. I want beer to taste like beer. I don't want it to taste like fruit, or like sugar, or coffee, or any other flavor. Beer is its own flavor, and it is great flavor all on its own. 

Monday, July 2, 2012

Controversial Opinions.

These are a few opinions I hold that seem to get people going. I don't see what the big deal is, I am not trying to force these views on anyone, but it would seem holding them is enough to get people after my blood. So lets explore them.

Pornography is art. Film and photography are both considered art. Why should film and photography of a particular subject be barred from being called "art"? When trying to define the difference between what was art and what was porn Justice Potter Stewart said "...I know when I see it...", this is bullshit, because this is no difference. Sexual content, or intent to sexually arouse you, does not limit the scoop of what art is.

It is more than somewhat likely Jesus didn't exist. While he might be a good role model, and might have a few good stories about him, there is not much in the way of proof that he was ever really here. The majority of sources that offer any proof are ones that exist within various churches, and these have a vested interest in keeping him real. We can prove many people far older than him were real, but he seems to be much more slippery. I guess it is time we went looking for a body.

Rap isn't music. No one has an instrument, no one is singing, there is just some talking. There is no harmony or melody,  there is no real rhythm, there is a loud constant beat that doesn't go anywhere. It is a valid form of expression, it just isn't music.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Things that need to go away.

Something just need to stop. They get too much attention for what they are bring to the table.

E3. Not so much the event itself, but all the coverage it gets. Video games, and electronic entertainment in general is great, but when E3 rolls around ever website even remotely connected to the video game industry does nothing but cover "news" about E3. E3 is basically just a big commercial, it shows you things to excite you, and entice you, without giving you any real information. As there is no real information, all the coverage of it is either meaningless speculation, or fanboy ramblings.

Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry. Their filmography speak for themselves. Both men have committed crimes against cinema, and against comedy. Both have made far more money than they had any right to. These men must be stopped, we can't allow people with such little talent to be successful. However, we must save their bodies of work, these need to be analyzed and studied to ensure nothing like them can ever happen again.

Blogger ranting about shit no one cares about. These assholes go off on all kinds of subjects no one in their right mind would care about... oh... wait... well fuck...

Monday, June 18, 2012

Customer Service.

Most people have been on both sides of customer service. We all had to deal with an unreasonable customer, a clerk that clearly didn't care, or perhaps just a profoundly stupid individual on either side. The problem on both sides are people that are just complete assholes.

Customer service people are paid to service customers. Many of them are take this the wrong way. Most of them are apathetic, uninformative, and more interested their phones than helping customers. Someone walks up looking for a product from an empty shelf, rather than check for more, they just shrug and say "I guess were out". At least bullshit the guy a bit, walk to the back and count to five, or fake checking inventory on a computer. Don't be so obvious with the fact that you don't give a shit, at least bullshit a little to earn your check.

On the other side there are loud, self centered customers. People that need printer ink, but don't know what kind of printer they have, or what cartridge it takes. People that see a long line, and try to come right to the front of it. Or the real superstars that come in looking for "that thing I saw on TV", but won't give anymore detail about what they want. If you don't know what you need, don't assume anyone can help you find it. Try bring the empty printer cartridge, or getting in the back of the line, or finding out the name of  "that thing on the TV".

We have all been on both sides, at least most of have. The end source of all problem with both sides are people that are exceptionally self-centered, too stupid to ask for what they need clearly, or maybe a lot of people that just don't give a shit. So we need smarter people on both sides, that know the universe is not about them, and maybe we could all put ourselves in the other man's shoes. We just need some sympathy, some courtesy, and some taste.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Song Covers.

Sometimes the same song is done by more than one artist. Often time the original performer  a song will have influenced or inspired another performer. This can lead to this other artist then doing their own version of that song. This can be done several ways, but the best covers show the style and substance of both the original artist and the person or group making the cover. It can also go completely wrong, and have the two version of the song sound almost identical.

Here is an example of  good cover work.



Above are the original Queen version of "Radio Gaga" and the Electric 6 cover. While they are the same song, there is a huge difference in how they are performed. This shows how much a song can change with artists, as they aren't even the same genre of music.

On the other hand, here is a poorly done cover:



Here we see a cover that is nearly identical to the original. The singer on the cover is even going so far as to make is voice sound like the original artist. When doing a cover, an artist should try to make the song their own. What is the point of covering a song just to have be so close to the original.  This only a critique of the cover, not of the song itself. 

Monday, June 4, 2012

Security Guards.

You seem them everywhere. They are in shopping centers, at banks, and any large public event. They are people with no real power placed to make the dumbest 5% of criminals think twice, and make the most ignorant of consumers feel slightly more safe. They serve no real purpose, and aren't good for much. It is a job with no real point, that is given to people with no real other option.

The people that work as security guards fall into several categories. First there are the ones that think one day they will become police officers, they won't, but it is good they have a dream. Then we have ones that are just not cut out for anything else, too dumb to operate a register, too clumsy to be a stock selves, too ugly to get by on looks. Last we have the failures, ex cons, dishonorably discharged, dirty cops that got caught, and whatever other breed of loser you can imagine. All three of these groups doing what they do because they aren't bright enough for anything else. They are too dumb to see what ISN'T in their future, too dumb to have avoided getting caught at their first choice, or just too dim for most things period.

Security don't really serve much of a purpose. No one serious about committing theft, or any other crime, has ever been scared off by the presence of a security guard. They have no real authority to do anything. Sure they look something like a cop, kinda, if you don't get a very good look at them. In the end they are space fillers, and having them on the payroll is making every item in the store slightly more expensive.

The average security guard is sad, lonely, and likely suicidal person. You don't need to pay them much attention, but don't openly disrespect them. Instead just steal what you want, and give them a smile. We can always be civil.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Offender is now on Twitter. Bonus, funny thoughts.

Sorry folks, I am out of town this week. Not much time this week, so this is going be kind of light. As the title says I am now on twitter, The Offender @TheOffenderBlog , please do follow.

A few thoughts to make you laugh however...

They now make Watermelon Sunny D. Is there a joke to make about this that isn't racist? Didn't help that it had a coupon on it for fried chicken when I saw it.

Summer is here, and all the joys it brings. By joys I mean women wearing the bare minimum. There is nothing else good about summer. Maybe the Steam summer sale, depends what is on it.

I hear Alf might get a feature length film. That is what we need more of in cinema, puppets. Really bad looking puppets. He wants to eat your cat, and is furry. A lot of things from the 80's were because of  cocaine, they come back today because of nostalgia... horribly horribly misplaced nostalgia.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Restaurants Annoyances.

Everyone enjoys going out for a meal every so often. Not fast food, but a meal at a place where you are seated and served. Could be a diner, could be fine dining, but no matter the quality or style certain little annoyances happen all too often.

When you first set down you are usually imediately offered a drink. This should be simple, but in the last few years something new started happening. You say "Coke" or "diet Coke" and they reply "is Pepsi alright?", as if that is going to ruin the entire meal. This didn't used to happen. Did some lawsuit happen so now they need to correct you on what they have? I want something cold, wet, and mildly fizzy, just bring me what ever is on tap. This is easily the second worst thing about getting a drink.

While were on the subject of ordering drinks; why do some restaurants feel the need to put lemon wedges in your soda? The reason you ordered your drink, is almost certainly because you like the taste, adding this lemon garnish changes the taste. Why would do they feel the need to do this? It is like when you are getting a blow job and the chick reaches around to put a finger in your ass. You didn't ask for that, and you do want it. If you ask her about it, or the server about the lemon wedge, they will both say "well, some people like it", well some of the people you do this with are into some strange shit honey.

Then there are the people you are with. If you are in a group of three or more, someone is going to special order. Not a simple special order either, a simple one is fine, a "hold this" or "extra that", that is fine. What gets annoying is the person who has to make a change to nearly every part of the dish they ordered. Everyone else took no more than 10 seconds to order, and he is on minute 25 of exactly how he wants his dish made. If you need to make more than one change to what you are ordering, you do want it, so don't order it. This behavior just leads to your food being spit in.

All that being said, it is still better than cooking some nights. If only we could just cut a few things from the experience. Just perfect it a bit.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Offensive Ideas.

This blog is called "The Offender". It has however been pointed out that there has a lack of "offensive" content as of late. This is debatable, as what is offensive varies greatly from person to person. So lets see how offensive we can be, but while also making it funny.

The best reason not to cheat on a woman is it is too much work. One woman takes up enough of your time. You spend a great deal of time with the first woman, talking on the phone, going places, getting meals, seeing films, so forth. Do you really want to double the time you spend doing these things with a second woman? Sure you would get more pussy, but you are doing so much more work for it.

Abortion is always a good option. Childhood is a horrible thing, for both the child, and the people around the child. So do everyone a favor and go for an abortion. Your doing the kid a favor, public school (and private for that matter) is a hell no one needs, and your not going to be a fit parent anyway. Beside think how much money you will save in the long run without having a kid around. Also it is one less child to make noise in restaurants.

Jesus loves porn. I hear his collection is both expansive, and filled with the truly bizarre.

We should really be doing something with dead people. They are dead, but they could still contribute. We could process corpses in to chemicals for farming, or for pharmaceuticals. Or we could raise money by renting corpses out to necrophiliacs. It just seems silly to just bury this potential resource. Also how much money is just left in the ground in the form metals used in fillings and implants, or in false hips. Seems like all of that could be melted down and used again.

So this should cover us on offensive content for a while.

Monday, May 7, 2012

What to do when your sick.

Everyone gets sick. This leads to a lot of staying home and having time on your hands. You could just rest and try to feel better, or you could put this new found time to use. After all you are sick, and no one is going to be around. With no bullshit from other people to deal with, you can finally get some things done.

Got someone in you hold a grudge with? Why not use your sick time to plan your revenge. You have a couple of days here, you can at the very least lay out the broad strokes. While you might not have time to iron out all the details, but you could get half way there. You could even use your ailment as part of the plan. You likely have many, disgusting, things oozing out of you; why not use them to your advantage? Of course, some people aren't in to revenge.

If you are sick, you are home, and if you are reading this you have access to a computer. Why not do somethings online? Maybe start a new hobby. You could take up bully or stalking someone on the internet. It doesn't need to be someone you know, it can be someone picked at random. Some people say it should be crime, but it isn't. If you are very good at it, you might even drive someone to suicide.

Now some of you might want to be more practical. Everyone has a backlog of something. Could be books that need to be read, movies that need to be watched, games that need to be played, or some other such thing. The daily grind often leave you with little time for you interests, why not use sick time to work through some of your backlog. disease

Being sick can be an annoying experience, but you can do things to make it more worthwhile. Or you could just sleep. Then again, why sleep when you could be having a good time?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This Really Exists Vol. 1

Sometimes you are dumbfounded to find that something actually exists. You may wonder why it exists, or who it was meant for, but in the end you can think of no answers. One such thing is the commentary tracks that are on pornographic DVDs. Yes, director and actor commentary on pornography. It would seem that it is so hard to understand the actor's motivation, or the effect the director was hoping to attain, that we need to hear what they have to say to clarify what is going on.

His motivation? Could it be banging a hot 20 year old?
These are movies made for people to masturbate too. Is the commentary track there for a fetish of some kind? Is there someone watching that can't get off without hearing the director talking about what went wrong on set? The directors don't have much to say, the commentary track doesn't seem to be their idea. It is great to learn how many takes it took get the money shot just right. Without that information, how could you ever get off?

The actors are far worse than the director. The men don't have much to say, just how many scenes they did that day, or which actresses they enjoy working with. The women on the other hand have lots to say, and none of it is anything you want to hear. The women want to tell the story of how they started doing porn. That story always starts with molestation, and usually incest. Not really things you want to hear when about to rub one out.

Thank you porn industry. Without commentary what would we ever do? How would we ever learn things we don't want to know?

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Complete Honestly.

"Truth is beauty, beauty is truth". A bit of poetry everyone has heard. It is a lie. The truth is almost universally a horrid and distasteful thing that most people want nothing to do with. If you were to be truthful with people, and be completely honest, you would find yourself surrounded by hostile people.

Try some honesty at work. Tell your boss what you really think about their ideas. Tell them you are working just hard enough no to get fired. Let them know that if you get a slightly better offer you are taking without hesitation. Your boss knows that they are worthless, but they hate when other people bring that up. If you really let out your feeling about your work place you would be fired so very fast.

Ever had an honest conversation with your woman (or man)? Your with them because they are the best you can do, or at least you are too lazy to try to do better. You can think of few people you would rather be with, but at this point this person is already here, and it is less work to just put up with their shit. You could tell them about the dozens of thing they do that piss you off, but then there would be a fight and drama. Honesty  leads to breakups. Communication, honest communication at least,  is the greatest enemy of a long lasting relationship.

Honesty doesn't even work when you are alone. Do you know how god awful a moment of honest self reflection is? One where you admit that all the ways your life has gone wrong is your own damn fault, and you stop trying to pass the blame. You realize in such a moment that you hate yourself with the intensity of a thousand suns. This is why you have the person you are with, the discuss you have for them makes you forget about your self hatred. This is why you under achieve at work, because thinking you are better than your job give you an excuse to not reach for more. The worst part is, you find you have become all the things you never wanted to be.

That is what honesty is. It is hideous, and painful to behold. Lies and misdirection are what we have become comfortable with. If we were all honest at once, it would hurt, but after a while it would get better. However, the truth is just another lie.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Some people just aren't going to reach sweet success. It could be a lack of drive, or a lack of intelligence, an unfortunate genetic combination, or maybe just bad luck along the way, whatever the case may be some people are just losers. Its alright, there is no shame in it, not everyone can get the best out of life. Of course there are levels of loser. So if you are a loser make the best of it.

Are you an attractive woman with no real skills? Don't have the patience or grace to be a waitress? Why not take up stripping? All you have to do is shake your ass and let strange, lonely, men touch you. You might say it is degrading, but I say it is better than living on the street. You get tips, and with a little luck you can marry an old man and take him for everything he is worth. Keep in mind there is a time limit on how long you can do this ladies.

Now maybe you are a woman not quite attractive enough to take your cloths off for money. That is still no problem. Start a youtube channel where you talk about video games. As long as you are a woman, you will get tons of fanboys watching your videos and clicking your adds. It is a great place for an average looking woman to be treated as queen, despite not having an original thought in her head. You might not be the best looking woman in the world, but you are likely the best looking one that gives a damn about video games.

That is enough about women, lets talk about males losers. Bartender is basically the male version of stripper, as you need not have any real skills to do it, but can make decent cash anyway. You will never need to be awake before 10 am, and you have your choice of women drinking after a breakup to enjoy.  Best part is unlike stripping there is no time limit.

Of course all of these still require a minimal level of motivation. If you really have no drive, you can take up blogging. All you need is an internet connection. Just start one and watch the cash trickle in. You can make up to 20$ a year doing it.

So remember, just because you are a loser doesn't mean there aren't options.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My Comedic Influences.

Time for a more serious entry today. These are the people that most influence my style of humor. All of them dead now, but all of them are still funny today.

Groucho Marx. Real name Julius Marx. He was an early pioneer of improvisation in comedy. He used to his quick wit to become the archetype of the "smart ass". Whenever someone would say anything he had something to say back. It is very telling that he is the only Marx brother to find much in the way of solo success. His genius came at a price, he was married and divorced 3 time, because he couldn't turn off his mouth.

The angry preacher Sam Kinison. Yes, he did start off as a preacher. After his wife left him, he left the life of preaching, and took up comedy. His style while preaching and doing comedy was the same, that is to say very loud and very intense. He wold come on stage high, and work almost completely off the top of his head. In another time and place he would have been called prophet.

George Carlin. This should come as no surprise to regular readers. Carlin is easily the greatest and most influential comedian of the second half of the 20th century. He made a prolific mount of comedy both written and recorded. He took people to the edge of their comfort zones, and then pushed on past them. Nothing to him was scared.

Well that is my top three, not really in any particular order. There are other of course, but they are for a different time. These are my comedy heroes. Some my have died too soon, but all are still as funny today as they were in their prime. If you don't know there material, type their names into youtube.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Easter time is here. That time of year where Christians celebrate the death and return of Superman, no wait, that other character... oh yeah, Jesus. There is candy, and rabbits, and eggs. It is a bit like Halloween, but there is only one zombie involved. Every year it has a different date, but somehow always on a Sunday.

The Christians are celebrating the brutal death and mysterious resurrection of their supposed savoir. It would seem that dyeing eggs and eating chocolate are the ways you celebrate that kind of thing. Somewhere a long the way a rabbit got involved, can't find a clear answer for that one. Seem like a more somber celebration would be in order, given what the holiday is based on.

Most holidays are on the same date every year, Christmas is December 25,  Halloween is October 31, but not Easter it changes every year. Sometimes in March, sometimes in April, consistent it is not. The date is base on a different calendar than the modern one. What, is it too much work to make it happen the same day each year? They already round off to the nearest Sunday, so lets go the next step and just make it the same day each year.

They call it Easter, but really it is "Zombie Jesus Day". Death on a Friday, followed by zombie time on Sunday. Where do you think the symbolic flesh eating came from? Well when zombie Jesus came to town it wasn't so symbolic. What, they don't talk about that in the bible? It got edited out over time.

So enjoy your Easter zombie extravaganza. Find some colored eggs, eat some chocolate, and try to guess when you will be doing this all next time. The holiday might not make since, but at least the candy will be marked down on Monday.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Philosophies of Life the Universe and Everything

Now for a few words on philosophy. There are as many philosophies of life as there are people. Some are more useful, workable, or applicable to your situation than others. Philosophies should be fluid and change to fit the realities of your daily life. You know you have one to stick with when you it can be applied to almost any situation.

Is it worth it?  How do you determine rather or not to do something. A simple answer might be, in the long run, "does it bring you money, or does it bring you happiness". Some might replace "happiness" with contentment, but that is unimportant. What is important is that this statement can keep you grounded. Should you ask out that 10, should you apply for that job, should you light fire to your neighbor's lawn. Weigh whatever you are thinking of doing against the standard of "money and/or happiness", it will clear your head, and help you find what you should do. It will lead you to let go of the unimportant, and reach for the best you can do.

Getting revenge is usually at odds with the "money and/or happiness" idea. In the end revenge will usually destroy all parties involved. So if you must get some, follow a few rules. One, make sure it can't be traced back to you. Two, don't do more than get even. Three, don't contact them to gloat. These ideas do take a lot of self-control, but in the end it will work out better if you follow them. It is "eye for an eye" with anonymity, followed by a complete breaking of ties and contact.

Earn it. There are many ways to earn your way. You can work hard, which is the thing most do. You can work smart, which not enough people do. It doesn't matter how, but you need to earn it in some way. Some people steal, and that is fine too. If you planned the theft well enough to get away with it, you earned what you took. It took just as much work to plan and prepare to steal a hundred grand as it would to earn it any other way. This is not an encouragement to commit crime, merely an alternative way of looking at the situation.  Getting away with a crime is the logical extreme of "working smarter", much as starting a business is the extreme of "hard work". It doesn't matter how you earn, as long as you earn.

Sorry there is no real humor this time around. Wanted to be a bit more thoughtful this time around. Would love to hear your philosophies.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

More fun with Counterfeit Money.

A while back I mentioned a few things you can do with counterfeit money. It is not a common thing to run across for most people, most people would not realize they had it and just keep passing it on. However if you do know you have some, why not have a little fun?

You can use it to screw with people. The various groups that camp out in front of stores are a good target. The girl scouts are a good group to pass the money on too, and you get some cookies. The salvation army man ringing his bell, well reward his ever annoying noise with some of your newly found counterfeit currency. Someone taking donations for a political cause you don't like, can you think of a better target?  Of course, all of these groups are doing things legally, perhaps it would be better to pass it to someone working illegally.

It is after all illegal to spend counterfeit money; so why not spend it on something illegal to begin with? Got a drug problem, make it less of a problem with funny money. Need some stress relief? Get your fake cash together and find a hooker with big fake tits. If you want to put a hit on someone, think about how you could pay for it. Admittedly, most illegal items would take an unusually large amount of counterfeit money. 

Now if you are not in the mood for fun, you could always turn your counterfeit money into the proper authorities. Not sure why someone would do that, but you could. You didn't make the money, but you can still have fun with it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dealing with Hangovers.

We all know St Patrick's day is coming. It is a fun day that you will just barely remember if done right. The down side to the holiday is the morning (or afternoon) the next day. That hangover that hits some harder than others. It is alright, there are ways to deal with a hangover.

Waking up hungover is a horrid experience, but there are very easy steps to deal with it. First, have drink, not a big one, a good shot or a mixed drink depending how much work you want to do. Having more alcohol will get rid of some of the symptoms, but they will return if you don't follow the next step. Now that you have had a little more booze, drink lots of water or better still Gatorade (any non-caffeinated sports drink will do). The hangover is caused mostly by dehydration, so the water or sports drink will hydrate you. Sports drinks are better for a number reasons, one they have some calories your body needs, secondly they give your body back some of salts and other nutrients that likely left your body in some way the night before. Now that you are hydrated have a nice meal with some good protein and you should be ready to face whatever the day has in store for you. That is all you have to do. Vodka is a good choice that first step, and eggs work well for the meal. Keep in mind, too much more alcohol will make things worse.

Now some people would rather avoid the hangover altogether. If you are planning to drink heavily avoiding a hangover is almost impossible. Some are lucky and have the genetics to not be troubled by hangovers, this doesn't help the remainder of the population. You could not drink; but whats the fun in that? You can lessen the effects of hangover by avoiding mixing alcohol and caffeine, and by mixing your booze with fruit juice. The fruit juice method can have its own problems as too much sugar can lead to hangover like effects.

Hope you all have a good time on St Patrick's day. Luckily it is on a Saturday this year, so the hangover won't be as big of a problem. This advice should serve you well for years to come. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

St Patrick's Day

Oh, what a fine holiday. Everyone in green, everywhere drinks are cheap, and everyone that doesn't drink hides for fear of the party. It is the one day a year where public drunkenness is not a crime, but a requirement to be outside. No one judges you for having 30 drinks, in fact people will wonder why you are stopping so soon. Everybody is a little bit Irish this day, and everyone is well over the legal limit.

Have a all the drinks you want, but make sure they are Irish. Whiskey and beer are the obvious options, whiskey is for the serious, and beer is for everyone else. Irish beer comes in all shades, form the darkness of Guinness, to he pale of Harp Lager. Failing an Irish drink at least make sure it is green. Needless to say, there is no room for wine, wine coolers, or things of that nature.

Doesn't look good?

In addition to drinking there are other things to do. Singing off key, darts, a good drunken fight, and drinking contest are also fun. The difference between drinking, and a drinking contest, is the difference between armature and professional sports. Even if you don't drink, key a drink in your hand at all times, you don't want be stuck driving.

Of course this day will lead to a hangover the next day. Next week we will talk about how to deal with that problem.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

A shitty post.

Just took my favorite kind of shit. I call it the "Champagne Shit", no it has nothing to do with drinking champagne. It is where you take a shit where the first part is solid, but then after that it is all liquid shit coming out of you. So it is like when the cork is popped out of a bottle of champagne.

It is a rare kind of shit, that you don't see daily. Might not even see it once a year. However, when it happens, it is going to be a great day.

You might be wondering why I bring up defecation today. Well I had a few day where I could not use my own toilet, or my own shower for that matter. You don't realize the joys of shitting in your own toilet till suddenly you can't do it.

So today, having finally regained full use of my bathroom, I wanted to share with you one of life's simple pleasures, the "Champagne Shit".