Holiday Ideas.

This is just a list of things to do durring the holidays.

Go caroling, but only sing metal songs.

Fist fight with Santa. Most of them are drunks anyway.

Form a protest using signs and chants about "Getting the Jesus out of Christmas", and various pro-commercialism messages.

Try to buy things that were on special several years ago on "Black Friday".  

Fart as loud as you can in crowded stores. Do it near the "hot items" of the season.

Invent a new holiday and harass places about giving you equal representation. 

Put counterfeit money in every bell ringer's bucket.

Questions.

These are just a few question that don't seem to have answers. Maybe you have some answers. These will be numbered for that purpose.

1. Is it wrong to use "Blow the rape whistle" as a double entendre?

2. What is it the Kardashians are famous for exactly?

3. "Fuck, Marry, Kill", why can't it be all three?

4. So what is the proof that Jesus actually existed?

5. Ayn Rand was really a dude right?

6. Why do we need to save the whales?

7. When will people finally turn on Blizzard?

8. How does Denny's stay in business?

9. Is it just me or does the current pope seem a little atheistic?

10. Is it the tuna or the dolphin that makes "tuna" so tasty?

11. Why it is called a "Denver boot"?

12. How the hell is Adam Sandler keep making money?

13. Will there ever be a good Lovecraft based movie?

14. If the early bird gets the worm, then shouldn't the worm sleep in?

15. Warm beer.... WHY?????

Easter Time

Easter time is here again. It is the time of year when Christians celebrate the death and return of Optimus Prime, no, that isn't right, that other poorly written children's character... Jesus. Not that you would know that, based on what you see everywhere you would think this holiday was about chocolate gluttony, and rabbit fetishism.

He died for your sins... no wait, got them confused again.

Easter Sunday is kind of a downer if you are not in to the whole religious bullshit angle. Most of the stores are closed, and restaurants are either closed or serving a limited menu. Sure, this day is about the most common imaginary friend in the country, but does that mean everything in the country has to grind to a halt? Can't people do their regular jobs while paying superficial lip service? Times might be changing, Walmart is open on Easter.

He has the touch, he has the power... no wait, wrong one once again.

So tomorrow we can all go to Walmart and get some cheap imported products. Meh, still beats rationalizing the voices in your head by going to church, the people there are assholes anyway. If only there was a place to get a decent burger on Easter. Happy Zombie Jesus Day everyone.

The "War" on Christmas

Some people claim there exist a war on Christmas. This is untrue. If a war on Christmas was ever waged, clearly Christmas won and then enslaved the survivors of the losing side. So clearly it is time for someone to try to take down Christmas. So lets ask some uncomfortable questions about this holiday.

There are those who claim we need more "Christ" in Christmas. Alright, if you feel that way. However, first I am going to ask you to prove that this "Christ" character ever actually existed. Sure, some various churches claim to have proof, but they have a certain interest in keeping people believing in "Christ", more than a bit of a conflict of interest. A body of this man would be great proof, but sadly if we find one, that will lead to the death of Christmas. So, Christians, the ball is in your court on this one. If you want more "Christ", just prove he was real, and not a collective driven imaginary friend.

Some people say Christmas is too commercial. They might have a point. Then again, the economy is rather bad at the moment. If Christmas is so commercial, would the economy be this bad? Seems like a overly commercial event would do a lot to help the economy, yet Christmas doesn't seem to be helping all that much. So lets spend more money, and spend less time with asshole we hate (family).

There is a separation of church and state in my country. So they say. However, Christmas is a national holiday. This is a supposedly christian holiday it is "CHRIST-mas' after all. So how much separation between church and state is there, when a clearly christian holiday is a national public holiday?

There is no war on Christmas, but there should be. So lets start one. Lets make it as forgotten as all of the various "saint" days.

Yuletide Rapin'

I don't want to talk about Christmas. I don't want to think about it. I sure as hell had no plans to blog about it this week, or this month. Sadly, after today, I simply must. Today started alright, then I had to go buy a few things. It is when I went into stores that it became impossible to ignore Christmas.

In every store you are greeted at the door with a yuletide raping. Every where you go Santa is waiting, with his pal Jesus, to tie you down with tinsel and take turns on you with their "yule logs". Sometimes they take turns, sometimes they go both at once, it doesn't matter, they are waiting for you at every store. They also go by the motto "Blood is nature lube". In the worst of cases they let the reindeer have a go.

Everywhere you go there are poorly made decoration punishing your eyes. Screaming children and yelling adults making you wish for sweet silence of death. Every where there are heaters on, making rivers of sweat and stink. Why must everything about Christmas make to world so much worse? Why does it have to have to involve the torture of every one of the senses?

We must start a war against Christmas. We need to see that it is contained, and isolated. Make it so it only exists a week before December 25.

Controversial Opinions.

These are a few opinions I hold that seem to get people going. I don't see what the big deal is, I am not trying to force these views on anyone, but it would seem holding them is enough to get people after my blood. So lets explore them.

Pornography is art. Film and photography are both considered art. Why should film and photography of a particular subject be barred from being called "art"? When trying to define the difference between what was art and what was porn Justice Potter Stewart said "...I know when I see it...", this is bullshit, because this is no difference. Sexual content, or intent to sexually arouse you, does not limit the scoop of what art is.

It is more than somewhat likely Jesus didn't exist. While he might be a good role model, and might have a few good stories about him, there is not much in the way of proof that he was ever really here. The majority of sources that offer any proof are ones that exist within various churches, and these have a vested interest in keeping him real. We can prove many people far older than him were real, but he seems to be much more slippery. I guess it is time we went looking for a body.

Rap isn't music. No one has an instrument, no one is singing, there is just some talking. There is no harmony or melody,  there is no real rhythm, there is a loud constant beat that doesn't go anywhere. It is a valid form of expression, it just isn't music.

Offensive Ideas.

This blog is called "The Offender". It has however been pointed out that there has a lack of "offensive" content as of late. This is debatable, as what is offensive varies greatly from person to person. So lets see how offensive we can be, but while also making it funny.

The best reason not to cheat on a woman is it is too much work. One woman takes up enough of your time. You spend a great deal of time with the first woman, talking on the phone, going places, getting meals, seeing films, so forth. Do you really want to double the time you spend doing these things with a second woman? Sure you would get more pussy, but you are doing so much more work for it.

Abortion is always a good option. Childhood is a horrible thing, for both the child, and the people around the child. So do everyone a favor and go for an abortion. Your doing the kid a favor, public school (and private for that matter) is a hell no one needs, and your not going to be a fit parent anyway. Beside think how much money you will save in the long run without having a kid around. Also it is one less child to make noise in restaurants.

Jesus loves porn. I hear his collection is both expansive, and filled with the truly bizarre.

We should really be doing something with dead people. They are dead, but they could still contribute. We could process corpses in to chemicals for farming, or for pharmaceuticals. Or we could raise money by renting corpses out to necrophiliacs. It just seems silly to just bury this potential resource. Also how much money is just left in the ground in the form metals used in fillings and implants, or in false hips. Seems like all of that could be melted down and used again.

So this should cover us on offensive content for a while.

Easter.

Easter time is here. That time of year where Christians celebrate the death and return of Superman, no wait, that other character... oh yeah, Jesus. There is candy, and rabbits, and eggs. It is a bit like Halloween, but there is only one zombie involved. Every year it has a different date, but somehow always on a Sunday.

The Christians are celebrating the brutal death and mysterious resurrection of their supposed savoir. It would seem that dyeing eggs and eating chocolate are the ways you celebrate that kind of thing. Somewhere a long the way a rabbit got involved, can't find a clear answer for that one. Seem like a more somber celebration would be in order, given what the holiday is based on.

Most holidays are on the same date every year, Christmas is December 25,  Halloween is October 31, but not Easter it changes every year. Sometimes in March, sometimes in April, consistent it is not. The date is base on a different calendar than the modern one. What, is it too much work to make it happen the same day each year? They already round off to the nearest Sunday, so lets go the next step and just make it the same day each year.

They call it Easter, but really it is "Zombie Jesus Day". Death on a Friday, followed by zombie time on Sunday. Where do you think the symbolic flesh eating came from? Well when zombie Jesus came to town it wasn't so symbolic. What, they don't talk about that in the bible? It got edited out over time.

So enjoy your Easter zombie extravaganza. Find some colored eggs, eat some chocolate, and try to guess when you will be doing this all next time. The holiday might not make since, but at least the candy will be marked down on Monday.