Last post this year.

Well this is the end of the third year of this blog. It is great that there are readers that come here every week. Lets not end the year on a negative note. Instead, lets be a little positive.

Long term readers of this blog will know that we are not generally kind to Christmas here, so lets talk about the good parts of the holiday season. In fact lets have a top ten of good things about this time of year.

10. My mothers banana bread. I know only I get to enjoy, but still I love it.

9. Seeing the smiles of friends as they open gifts.

8. Giving a little cash to charity.

7. Reconnection with those you are estranged from.

6. Steam sale.

5. Cheap candy the day after Christmas.

4. Shopping violence.

3. Suicide rates go up. Always gives me hopes that one of my enemies will end it all.

2. Hearing the wistful stories of holiday drunks.

1. Being incredibly grateful to not be working retail this holiday season.

Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays to all. I am out of town this week. Might have something for you latter this week, if there time. Sorry for the lack of content. You know how this time of year can get.

Porno Parodies.

This is just a list of some hilarious porno parodies. These may or may not really exist.

10. Dark Soles. A foot fetish movie with black chicks.

9. World War Bukkake.

8. Big Wang Theory. Somehow the science is actually more actuate than on the show.

7. Gang-bang-ster Squad. These men are on a mission.

6. Bioshock Indecent. A porno that people will act like makes deep philosophical points.

5. Dildos. A computer animated film about the secret lives of sex toys. Featuring the voice work of John Ratzenberger.

4. Movie 69. Has a lot of stars in it doing things completely unrelated to one another.

3. Rear-Ender's game. All anal, all sci-fi. And he thinks it is a simulation.

2.  The Hung Games: Crotch on Fire. If only we could get the real actress from that.

1. Pacific Rim-Job.  Giant monster that like to have there asses eaten out.

Making a frozen pizza better.

Good pizza is hard to find. Good pizza is also expensive. You can buy frozen pizza, but it is usually pretty bad. The good news is, you can make some frozen pizza fairly good, with a just a little effort.

First you need the right frozen pizza to act as a base. Thick crust varieties will never turn out very good. So you need a thin crust. Don't bother getting anything with toppings, you can add your own and they will taste far better than what generally comes on a frozen pizza.

Here is a great place to start.

Now you have the base, it is time to build upon it. First we need more cheese. Mozzarella is nice. A little jack cheese is good too. A good way to save money is to use "string cheese". Take 2-4 string cheeses, slice/grate/pull them apart, put on the frozen pizza. Just having a bit more cheese will greatly improve your pizza.

Now is where you can add some toppings. You can get good meat balls fairly cheap. Or you could use some ham. Really this is all a matter of what you like. Virtually any meat is good. Mushrooms are nice. Just keep in mind that you want to cut whatever you are going to use to be fairly thin.

The last thing to keep in mind is that adding things to the pizza will increase the baking time. If it says 18 minutes, it will be more like 20. However many factors effect cooking time, and your mileage will vary. This will also be quite a bit cheaper than ordering a high end pizza, and be better than any cheap pizza you can order.

An item from the news.

There was a man that ended up divorced from his wife. The man lost the house to her. She now lives there with her new man. The newly divorced man bought the house right next to his former home. In the back yard he placed a statue. Here is a picture of that statue.

It is a solid bronze middle finger. It is only visible from the master bedroom of his old house. At night there is a spot light pointed at the statue.

This man in an inspiration to us all.

Well it really did happen...

I warned this would happen last year. People thought I was joking, but no it really happened. There is a "Black Friday" sale that is starting on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Christmas has now officially taken over Thanksgiving.

The horde is coming early this year, and every year from now on.

Now the day before Thanksgiving people will be trampled to death. This will give some families so much to be thankful for. Is half off a TV worth a human life? The average "Black Friday" shopper thinks so.

This will get worse next year. 2014 will have a "Black Friday" sale on Tuesday. The next year Monday. In only a few short years "Black Friday" will be the day after Halloween. How long will Halloween hold the line against the horrors of the Christmas shoppers? How much of the year will be enough to appease Christmas? The truth is that unless something is done the whole year will be given over to the Christmas season. .

We must do something to stop the spread of Christmas. We need to say "no" to Christmas. We need to fight Christmas. We need to find Santa, we need to hang him for his crimes. The elves too must be punished, perhaps through a series of elf on elf death fights. The reindeer can be made into tasty sausage. We must stop Chirstmas, it may already be too late. Still we must give it a fight.

Odd facts.

Just some odd things that happen to be true. Welcoming any thoughts on these subjects.

Men with some form of dwarfism are good people, but men that are just short are always douche bags. Seriously, any dude under about 5'7" (170 cm) is nearly always a douche bag, unless they are suffering from some kind of dwarfism.

The more a man is into a woman, the bigger pain in the ass her friends are going to be. Why do the best women always have such cunt friends? Is this just the universe having fun?

The more attractive a person is (physically speaking) the less they try in every other area. Every bang a "10" that just laid there?

The Vatican is full of men in dresses that also hate gays. Seems like a mixed message to say the least.

Children are god awful. Yes, especially yours.

No one cares about any of your shit.

Ideas Vol. 8

Another collections of ideas that just aren't ready for their own post yet.

1. People bitching about abortion

Unless you have had an abortion, or been part of the decision to have an abortion, you have no right to speak on this issue.

2. Addictions is not a disease.

People that say it is are just looking to remove personal responsibility from their self inflicted problem. There is a clinical definition for disease, and a definition for addictions. The two don't sync up.

3. Denny's

It is not really food. If it is not 3am, there is no reason anyone should ever eat their.

4. Dogs.

These animals should be placed into wood-chippers.

Pokemon X and Y.

These are the newest in the games in the Pokemon franchise. They are fun little games. However, there is one thing that just doesn't add up.

Rather than talk about the problem, we will let two screen shots do the talking.

Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker from 2006 on DS

and

Pokemon X/Y from 2013 on 3DS

After 7 years and new hardware, shouldn't these games look a little further apart? What Dragon Quest Monsters: Joker that far ahead of it's time? Or is Pokemon X/Y just that far behind the times? It could be a bit of both, but that is doubtful.

Why I Love Halloween

Long time readers of this blog will know that I have a love of Halloween. Some of you have asked "why". So, this week I will try to explain my love of this holiday.It should be no surprise to anyone that childhood memories play a role in my love for Halloween. Of course, there are other reasons as well.

First, it was the only holiday that wasn't in someway ruined by members for my family. My parents didn't fight over it, my brothers did not do things to make it unpleasant. There was no boring day spent with extended family ending in a bad meal, like so many other holidays. There was just costumes, candy, some time alone going door to door.

Also school was a little less torturous during Halloween. School was a kind of psychological torture for me, from the first day of kindergarten to final day of high school. While my grades were good, I hated everyone, everything, and every moment spent in school. However on Halloween it wasn't so bad. The teachers didn't seem as suicidal and incompetent. It was the one day I wasn't the most outcast among the students, on Halloween that "honor" went to the kid with no costume (likely the child of fundamentalists).

Now that was all a long time ago. In adult life I have found more reasons to love Halloween. From the various hooker outfits that women wear on Halloween, to the cheap candy you can get on the first of November. Plus it seems to be the only barrier to Christmas taking over more of the year than it already has.

There is much more I could say on this subject. However, most of it is either too personal, or too depressing, for this outlet. Thanks for reading. Next week will be a bit more funny, and a lot less personal.

Let's Talk About Final Fantasy

Yes, another video post. Next week will not be a video. This week however...

The last two parts of "Let's talk about Dark Souls"

These are the last two parts. I hope you enjoy them.

Finally done. Took a long time. Glad it is over. The next thing I do won't be so long.

Gameboy Cartridges

A video I made a while back answering everything you ever wanted to know about Game Boy Cartridges.

Let's Talk About Dark Souls Even More

Yes two more video about Dark Souls.

Part 3:

Part 4:

If anyone is wondering, there will be  part 5 and part 6. Then that will be it. Enjoy.

Signs you might be loser.

There are certain things a person might do, or think, or take part in, that more than likely means they are a loser. This is just a small list of such.

1. Going to a strip club on a weekday morning.

2. Is an adult without children that know a lot about children's television shows.

3. Anyone that has an opinion about day time television.

4. Has bought alcohol at 6am.

5. Has ever gotten drunk immediately after waking up.

6. Adult braces.

7. Gave a shit about the James Franco Roast. Or about anyone involved with that.

8. Is a regular player of the lottery.

9. Has a digital pornography collection larger than 100 gigs.

10. Keeps a weekly blog. Oh...

Let's Talk About Dark Souls.

Yes, more videos this week. You may remember "Let's Talk About Earthbound", this is a similar idea. This is parts one and two of a six part series. The other parts aren't out yet, but will be coming out every Tuesday for the next few weeks.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Hope you enjoy them.

3ds Problems.

Recently I attempted to use the "eshop" available on the 3ds handheld. This can only be accessed through a wireless network. It was a frustrating experience, to say the very least.

First problem with this is that I lack a wireless network in my home, and have no interest in getting one. So I had to go down to the local hospital to use their wireless internet connection. At this point this is already a huge pain in the ass. Now their is the slow download speeds and constant disconnections to deal with. All of which lead to a headache, and was not a worthwhile experience.

This was so frustrating that I made a little video to make a small suggestion to Nintendo. This video does have some yelling and is just a bit NSFW.

I really would just like to be able to download the things I bought. Is that so unreasonable?

Pretentious Douchedags

There seems to be an epidemic of pretentious douchebaggery in the world today. It takes many forms. Doesn't matter the area of interest, the level of society, or part of the world you are in, you will find a pretentious douchebag to ruin your day.

The "independent" douche.They think that something is better because fewer people have been exposed to it. This is simply not true. An independent movie/band/game is just like a mainstream release. Meaning 10% of them are great, 10% of them are shit, and 80% are somewhere in the middle. This rule holds true for everything in the field of entertainment.

People reading the bible in public, or saying grace in restuarants. You are in a Burger King, this is not an appropriate setting for anything like what you are doing here. What you are doing here is the sin of pride, and I thought you people were against that kind of thing. How does hypocrisy feel? Keep it in your home and in your church.

Gamers that make a huge deal out of using roman numerals when referring to sequels. It doesn't matter if that is how it looked on the packaging. 8 vs VIII is just about saving time when typing it out. If you want to make a big deal out of a problem in gaming culture; how about making hygiene a bigger priority when in public?

"I don't own a TV". So you spend all your time alone masturbating? Does this cause a lot of chafing and soreness? What is your lube budget? Has not having a TV ever got you laid or made you money? No? Didn't think so.

Anyone on an extreme politically. Right wing, left wing, it doesn't matter one damn bit. Either way they need to calm down, learn a little more history, and realize the world is too complicated simple extremes. Somewhere out there exist the cures for all the worlds ills. None of these cures will be found anywhere near an extremist stance. Likely that such cures won't be found anywhere in politics at all.

So yeah, douches are everywhere. Perhaps we could have an open season on them. Or we could start shaming the pretentious. Perhaps, and this is a radical idea, we could all collectively pull our heads out of our asses.

Gym Goers.

The gym can be a great place to go. Do some cardio, lift some weights or do some weight machines. However, the gym seems to be a hot spot for a lot of people to go that really have no interest in working out. These varied groups people come to the gym for many reasons, to be seen, to fish for compliments, to find partners, to fit in, etc. The point being that none of these people are really there purely to workout, or for health reasons.

The most annoying group are the short men with inferiority complexes. They are short, and they are overcompensating for their lack of height with obsessive devotion to muscle tone and an aggressive persona. These guys are usually just standing around looking for an excuse to start a confrontation. Of course none of this will make them any taller, or hide the fact that they mostly shop out of the children's section. However, to be fair, they are actually doing some exercises between (and sometimes as part of) all their overcompensating. So they have a legitimate reason to be at the gym.

Next we have a group of women. Older women with to much plastic surgery. They are at the gym to collect compliments on how good they look. Ironically nothing about their looks has anything to do with going to the gym or a regular workout.  They have facelifts, fake tits, liposuction, and clothing that was meant for a women at least half their age. Do they look good for their age? Yeah, but they should after 100k spent with a plastic surgeon. What they really want is for people to think they are much younger than they really are, but that never really happens. No matter how tight the skin on your face is, or how perky your tits might be, your skin and hands will always give your age away every time. 50 year old skin will always look 50 no matter how tight it is, or how much silicone you get underneath it. 

Then there are the steroid enthusiasts. These are mostly men. They have bulging muscles, bacne, and shrunken testicles. They are at the gym every chance they can get. They might go to the gym more than once a day, that is if they ever leave it at all. Much like the first group, they are legitimately getting a workout, they are just taking it to an unhealthy extreme.

There are other groups at gyms. Maybe we will talk about them some other time.

Very bad week.

Sorry, but I have nothing for you this week.

This week has seen major plumbing problems in my home. Not just one. Two separate major plumbing issues. On top of that, my garage has been taken over by a colony of bees which are potentially dangerous. This means I can not do laundry in my home, because the washing machine and dryer are in the garage.

I am very sorry for the lack of content this week. Next week we will be back with our usual stuff. If time allows I will try to have something up later this week to make up for the lack of a regular post this week. 

Questions.

These are just a few question that don't seem to have answers. Maybe you have some answers. These will be numbered for that purpose.

1. Is it wrong to use "Blow the rape whistle" as a double entendre?

2. What is it the Kardashians are famous for exactly?

3. "Fuck, Marry, Kill", why can't it be all three?

4. So what is the proof that Jesus actually existed?

5. Ayn Rand was really a dude right?

6. Why do we need to save the whales?

7. When will people finally turn on Blizzard?

8. How does Denny's stay in business?

9. Is it just me or does the current pope seem a little atheistic?

10. Is it the tuna or the dolphin that makes "tuna" so tasty?

11. Why it is called a "Denver boot"?

12. How the hell is Adam Sandler keep making money?

13. Will there ever be a good Lovecraft based movie?

14. If the early bird gets the worm, then shouldn't the worm sleep in?

15. Warm beer.... WHY?????

The Bank

Banks used to be very different places than they are today. Once they were nice, classy, places you went to manage your money and get help concerning your money. Today they are a rather bad experience. This is due to several factors.

First, there is the service. The problem being that they do not want to give you any service. Tellers at the bank don't want to help, they would rather inform you that "You know, you can do this online". While it is true that most things banking related can be done online, you are already at the bank when you are told this. Clearly you had a reason to come it. Also, if no one ever came in, the teller wouldn't have a job. So isn't pointing out online banking really a bad idea for a teller?

Another sign of bad service is the "greeter". This is someone that says hello, and then tells people that someone else will be right with them. These "greeters" are dead weight. There are times when only one teller window is open, and there is a long line for it, and the greeter just stands there rather than opening another window. What the is the point of paying this person?

"Can we interest you in..." No, no you can't. Might of heard you out had you not made it so clear you would rather I do my banking online. How about next time someone comes in for help you act interested in helping? Then maybe someone will give a damn about your sales pitch.

Maybe Bonnie and Clyde had the right idea about what to do once inside a bank. Seems like if more people did that, the banks might treat their customers a bit better. Just a thought.

Hookers for the Handicapped.

Sex sells. Some people make a career out of selling sex one act at a time. Among these people, doing god's work, are those who specialize in one thing or another. A few of them are specializing in servicing the handicapped.

The term "handicapped" is a rather loose term. When used here are they just referring to cripples and the wheelchair bound, or do they also mean the mentally handicapped? Is it all unlucky solders, or is it also an adult version of the kid with the helmet we all knew? Do they really take any handicapped? Are people in "iron lungs" welcome? 

What leads a hooker, whore, or prostitute to specialize in the handicapped? Is it just that "no" really does mean "no" when your client is in a wheelchair? Are handicapped people just a lot less work to get off? Or does the fixed income of the disabled make them a reliable "John"? It really must be nice to know they worked you into their limited budget.

Do cops have special sting operations just to find the handicapped that are soliciting sex? If they do, do the handicapped go in the same holding cells as everyone else? Or does a special holding cell exist with a handrail around the perimeter? Do they put a wheelchair bound man in handcuffs, or do they have a "Denver boot" for the wheelchair?

Does the reverse of this exist? Are there wheelchair bound whores, for dudes in to that? Are there in fact dudes into something like that? Do they call themselves "Handi-whores"?

Even More Fun With Counterfeit Money.

Counterfeit money is something everyone encounters every now and then. It doesn't matter how you came across it. It is in your possession, and you need to do something with it. The "right" thing to do is turn it over to the police, or perhaps just to destroy it. However, it seems there are other promising options available for your fake money.

Take it down to the church of your choice and put it in the collection plate. It doesn't need to be your own church. You might be a Catholic and want to teach the Lutherans down the street a lesson. Or maybe you just want to screw over the Scientology center for harassing you a bit too much. No matter what church you take it too, you can still write it off on your taxes. Don't feel bad about it, they sell false hope at churches, so why not pay for it in false money?

Give it too people that are looking to make change. "Hey man, got change for a twenty?", "Why yes I do". Admittedly this only works if you have small bills that have been counterfeited, and a lot of them. Of course you could do the reverse of this, stand out side a 7/11 looking to break a 50 or 100 because most of them won't take large bills.

Take it down to a "swap meet". A "swap meet" is a wonderful place where people sell stolen and knock-off merchandise off of blankets and tables. As almost everything is already stolen, it seem like the perfect place to spend a few counterfeit dollars. This way if what you bought doesn't work, you aren't really out anything.

Just a few ideas. You should of course do the "right" thing. Even if it is not the funny option.

Resent News Items.

These are just my reactions to some resent, and somewhat resent, news items.

Zimmerman got off. Not much of a surprise. If not for the media coverage it likely would of not gone to trial. There is a lot of emotional arguments for why he should of been found guilty, but the law is about the facts not about the emotion surrounding them. Was justice done, don't know, we have a "legal system", not a "justice system".

Kim Kardashian had a baby. Why is this treated as news? Also, why isn't the baby named "Kunt"? Anyone want to take bets on what age this child will enter rehab the first time? Wonder which parent it will take after, the media whore of marginal talent, or the media whore of no talent.


The Steam Summer Sale is on. I am a man of no faith, I am not a patriot, nor do I possess a strong connection to family or any group of people. So when Steam has a sale it is like Christmas, Thanksgiving, the fourth of July, Saints Patrick's day, and Easter, all rolled together. You might not get it, but at least it isn't forced on you like some other holidays I could name.

Ideas Vol. 7 Laws Edition

Here in the USA we live in a land of laws. There exist laws and ordinances for virtually every facet of life. However, it seem that some of these legal concepts are a bit one sided, and should be balanced just a little better.  Here are just a few ideas along this line of thought.

1. Drunk Driving.

Not everyone reacts to alcohol the same way. Yet, everyone is held to the standard of ".08". So, how about a test to determine what the limit for each individual would be. Lightweights might be unsafe to drive after only one beer; whereas some people might be alright to drive after chugging a 5th. Then on each person's license it would have a mark to denote where the limit was for that individual. This wouldn't be permanent, as the drunk testing would be done each time the license came up for renewal.

2. Taxing Churches.

Every business and individual pays taxes. That is all but one, the business of selling faith pays no tax. It is time they anted up. Churches take in billions of dollars, and it is all tax free. This should stop. Not just for the revenue it would generate, but also because churches hold sway over how their members will vote. If churches want a say in politics, then they should pay just like everyone else.

A piggy bank long overdue to be emptied.

3. Having children.

In some parts of the US in order to have an abortion, a woman must watch an abortion being preformed. While the merits of this are highly debatable, it is the way it is some places. That being said, turn about about is fair play. So in order to go ahead and give birth a mother should have to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal surrounded by screaming, crying, and hyper children. This would lead to a lot less children being birthed. Why should we act like giving birth is any better than terminating a birth? Both are fine options, and should be treated equally.

Final Fantasy Summation.

A video I made about the Final Fantasy series. It is short and to the point, so it is completely unlike the average Final Fantasy game.

Something a little more personal.

Earlier this past month was the 2nd year anniversary of this blog. This is not big deal, nor should anyone really care. However, I thought in honor of this little non-event that I would let the readers I have in on my life just a little. So there won't be much in the way of jokes this week.

I write this blog on a laptop from 2005. This is so I can write while laying down. This is also the computer I spend the most time on. It is old, and getting more than a bit slow. However, it still functions with no major problems, and I can't afford to replace it anyway. It was a powerful machine back in its day.

This is the truck I drive. This truck is old, but still runs well. You may remember a blog about the troubles of owning a truck, this was indeed the inspiration. In a couple more years it won't need to smog-checked anymore, that will be nice.

Here are the desktops I make my videos on. You will also see the mic I use to record with, and yes I know I need a better mic. The one on the left is newer, and the one I use to PC game. The right one is mostly for archiving. Also in this picture is a notebook where I write down ideas for blogs and videos, and ideas can strike at very odd times.

Sorry for the short blog, it is not easy to share things about myself. I willing to answer any question that anyone might have. So please do let me know what you would like to know.  Thank you for reading.

Your Baby Is Only Cute To You.

Why is it when people have a baby they think everyone else gives a shit? We know you are having some "buyer's remorse" about having the kid, but shoving the little freak in everyone face isn't going to make that go away. So keep that thing at home till you can teach it to be quiet and to amuse itself. 

Your baby does nothing but make annoying sounds. Do something to shut the little shit up. Please. It make nothing but high pitched gibberish, and even once it can talk it won't say anything of real value for about 20 to 25 years anyway. Can we put a ball-gag on that kid, or maybe just some duct tape over its mouth? It is like having the world's most annoying pet around when you bring this little bastard around. Also, no one is buying when you try to act like the sounds coming out of it are anything other than ear rape.

The little bastard makes everything it touches sticky. Why must it leave a trail of drool, mucus, and feces everywhere it goes? Can't we put it in to some kind of holding pen to keep it form getting this slime all over everything? Seems like the only reasonable solution to this problem. Or you could put it outside, it might enjoy that.

Your baby is ugly, just like all the other ones. No baby has ever been aesthetically pleasing. It is a fact. They are an odd, squishy little creature. Nothing that it does is pleasant to look at. It always looks like something is very wrong, and there is something wrong, you brought this thing around for us to see. Evolution as made it so this creature that squirmed out of you seems like a delight, that is only a delusion.

Seriously if I had a time machine, I would go back a few months and give you the money you needed for an abortion. Would also use it do that same trick only involving your mother and father. In fact, seems like "Time Travel Abortionist" might be the best idea ever. Might take a toll on the world and its population after a time, but think how much further along stem cell research could be.

Nothing your baby can do is impressive. Great you taught it a trick. Unless it can make money with this trick, no one cares. Right now, all you are doing is adding more reasons for other people to hate this little shit machine. Want to teach it a good trick? Teach it how to fetch beers.

Remember folks, it might be to late to abort, but adoption is still an option. Or you could do a nice murder suicide thing with you, your partner, and your little bastard. Above all, just don't bother anyone else with it.

Pet Peeves Vol 2

It has been awhile now, but the time has come for more generalized hatred toward the world at large. Just a few topics, and some short rants about them. Please enjoy, or if you don't, consider suicide. If you really do, mention me in your note.

People that want to save the world. The world is a shitty place, and not worth saving. Besides, taking part in its destruction is so much more fun. History remembers the bringers of destruction, and quickly forgets the poor bastards trying to save it.

Fast food barbecue. It is congealed grease bathed in an overly  sweet sauce. Real barbecue takes hours of work, and it is worth the time and effort. What fast food restaurants, that isn't even a methadone for the real thing.

Children that say "back in the day". If you are under 30 you are still in "the day".

People that are "offended" all the time. These people need a slow and torturous death. It is on you if you are offended. You make the decision to become offended. In fact if you are truly offended more than once or twice a decade, you are fucking stupid. You are a low functioning retard and you likely should be a ward of the state.

Anyone that can't discern sarcasm. These people should be greatly rewarded.

When you can only get something online. You are a big company, sell your wares in stores. Not everyone want to share their information with you.

Trying to find a place to eat at 3am. The only thing open is Denny's, and that isn't food. Why can't one good steakhouse, or a sushi bar, or a barbecue joint, stay open at night? Is a good meal so much to ask for at odd hours?

People always selling their line of bullshit. No one is buying it. You are a hack fraud and every one with any mental faculties can see right through you. Drop your act and find something real.

Pussy and cock piercing. These don't help anyone. How much do you hate yourself to do this? On the upside, if you are with some that has done this to themselves just imagine the things they will let you do. 

Vampire Questions Video

This is a not quite direct translation of the blog from a couple of weeks ago. Hope you enjoy it.

In retrospect I should of made a lesbian vampire period joke.

Zombie Questions

Well, we talked about vampires last week, so how about some zombies this time. Like vampires, zombies appear in a lot of mythologies taking many different forms. They can be living men without souls, the dead raised again, people inflicted with a particularly bad infection, and many other forms still.

The modern versions of zombies we see today are generally the victims of a disease or virus. This has several problems. First, are zombies the only carriers? Or could fleas, mosquitoes, rats, and house pets also be carries? If so, are they only carriers, or would we have zombie bugs and animals to worry about? If you did have a zombie bug, and a spider ate it, would the spider become a zombie, and would that effect its behavior at all? Further would the zombie animals and insects be interested in humans, or would they be after their own kind?

If only zombies are carriers, how effective are zombies at hunting? If they are effective hunters, then the plague can't spread that fast, as a victim would need to be bitten and get away. So if there is a large portion of the population being bitten and getting away, how dangerous are the zombies really? Is it possible all the victims of the zombies are just he dumbest people that couldn't avoid a rather ineffective zombie attack? It is hard to have it both ways, zombies are either a very small number of highly effective killing machines, or they are punch drunk senior citizens.

Why do you only see regular people zombies? Why do you never see disabled zombies? You know, like a wheelchair zombie, or maybe one with a prosthetic limb? What a about a pregnant woman becoming a zombie? Would that by default make her child a zombie? Would the zombie fetus try to chew its way out? If the zombie fetus did chew its way out, would keep growing once it did? What about a person with some form of retardation becoming a zombie? Would they still be "retard strong" as a zombie?

Vampires Questions

Vampires are in popular culture a lot lately. This is nothing new as vampire myths are found in nearly all cultures. They take many different forms in world myths, and in various popular fiction. However, there are a few basic questions that never seem to get answered about them.

The need to consume blood is an extremely common theme with vampires. How much blood does a vampire need daily? Is a pint enough? Or do they need several gallons a day? Does it need to be human blood? Would pig, or cow blood work? What is it in the blood they need? Is it just the red cells, or is the plasma needed in the vampire diet? Or is it just the iron and water that are in blood? Could supplements be a substitute for the blood? Is it only blood that can satisfy a vampire? Could they use the marrow? Or any other bodily fluids for that matter?

Generally speaking vampires have fangs. These usually look like nothing more than enlarged canine teeth, but what are they really? Are they like hypodermic needles that extract the blood? Or are they just sharp teeth that make a hole that the blood is licked from (like a large feline)? Are the fangs really necessary in modern vampires? The lower teeth a vampire don't seem to have a place built in for the fangs to go, so how does a vampire close their mouth? Do the fangs retract? Also, do the fangs need sharpened ever?

Why is it modern vampires are so sexually over charged? What happened to the "Nosferatu" style of vampire? Predators are not sexual attractive to their prey. Gazelle don't want to fuck lions, nor do rabbits want to bang wolves. Having sex with your food just seems like a bad idea.

Also, modern vampires don't seem to act alone anymore. There seems to be a trend of vampires having a large secret society in modern fiction. Why don't they work alone anymore? Dracula worked alone, seemed like it was going good for him.  While there are pack hunters, most predators work alone. Do they really need blood in such amounts that they need to band together to ensure a regular supply?

Now vampires do have a lot of weaknesses that generally would get in the way of normal life. Sunlight comes to mind. Since the sun is a problem, how do they do thing that need to be done in the day? How does a vampire handle jury duty, or going to the DMV? They might be feeding on people, but they still need to somehow hide within the society they are finding prey in. For that matter, how do they take a drug test for a job, or pass a physical? How do they explain the lack of aging to the people they must interact with on daily (nightly?) basis?

Anyone have some insight to any of this?

Two things that should exist.

These are a two things that don't seem to exist anywhere. At least "Google" didn't seem to know of where to find examples of these ideas in practice. If you know of an example of one of these, please do tell.

Why has there never been someone sexually abusing a zombie in any medium. Never read a story where this has happened, never seen a movie where this happened either. Seems like some sick person would capture a zombie for sexual exploitation. It wouldn't even need to be intentional, what if a submissive at somekind of BDSM dungeon came down with the zombie plague and no one noticed? Also, would a zombie plague be sexual transmissible? Aside from that, would you this technically count any of this as necrophilia?

Would you?

Some really  good jokes about abortion. Seems like this is a subject that is overlooked in the joke department. Or how about using an aborted fetus as a character in a comedy? What if you did a period movie about Jesus, only he was miscarried by Mary, and now a fetus Jesus need to go through the whole story including getting nailed up? That is some comedy gold right there.

Happy Mother's Day

Get your mother something nice this year. Flowers are nice, but try to get something a little more personal. Think for a moment about what she would like, and then get it for her. Don't be cheap, don't be thoughtless. This conclude the practical advice portion of this blog.

How do you think people with an oedipus complex feel about Mother's Day? Well they obviously have a gift they would like to give their mother, but know she wouldn't be cool with it. Needless to say, this is likely not the best time to reveal these feelings. Well... maybe... if she is REAL open-minded about things.

If you get an abortion on Mother's Day can you still celebrate? Or is the abortion itself enough of a reason to celebrate? You know the father is doing a dance after the abortion.

Fast food restaurants are even crowded on mother's day. That might just be the saddest thing about this holiday.

Fanboys.

Summer movies tend to hit and miss. However they always seem to bring fanboys out. Movies make them come out in public, out of their parent's homes, and take their lips off the barrel of a gun. They come out and act socially awkward, and overtly defensive. Worse of all, we have to deal with them. This rarely, if ever, ends well.

The fanboy is a horrid creature. One that sadly we are forced to deal with far to often this time of year. There is no known way to purge us of them, so instead we need to identify them quickly, and avoid the places they roam. Sadly if you like movies, avoiding there habitats may not be an option. Don't worry however, there numbers don't grow much as women want no part of them, and top scientist are working on a poison that will kill them and not the average person.  Donation might help their work to that end along. In the mean time, there are a few things one can look for in order to spot them. Here are five universal traits of the fanboy.

5. Defending things to the death.

They can often be found being overly defensive about legitimate criticism. Be it movie, book, comic, or game, if you say anything other then how great it is they flip out. It could be minor, but it is a word against there love, and they can't take it. Fanboys love things the way a child loves mommy, and can't take a word against mommy.

4. Creepiness.

This isn't always visual. This can happen as you are talking to them, and suddenly you notice talk on a certain subject really gets them going. When this happens, you should run. An aroused fanboy might try to rape you, and all because you talked about the last Marvel comic movie.

3. Bad Hygiene.

When you only friends are inanimate objects, you just stop caring. Oddly enough, they are filthy, but everything they are into is perfectly clean. Not a disk has a scratch on it, not page bent, somehow the grease on there hands never makes it on to their objects of obsession. This phenomenon needs study.

2. Emotionally unstable.

They get go form gleefully happy, to crying, to violently angry all in a matter of seconds. Why? Because you don't view what they love as perfect. Luckily, they are usually not in good enough shape to do much in the way of violence. A general lack of contact with others seems to cause this.

1. Claim you are not smart enough to "get it".

This is something only the most obvious and pathetic fanboys do. They know they have no way to defend there greatest love, so they try claim superiority. This is sad to see. It is very transparent, and has never really worked. Yet somehow, it has stayed as the most common defensive tactic used by the fanboy.

Donate today. We can find a cure for "fanboy" in our lifetime.

Lets Talk About Movies.

This isn't a review of any particular movie. Nor it is about any genre or theme in film. This is just about movies in a very broad sense. This is because all movies fall in to one of three categories: bad, good, and great. Certainly there is a degree to which this is based on taste, and is therefore subjective. However, regardless of taste these three broad labels still apply, it is just that they may apply to different movies based on the individual. So lets define these labels.

First we have the label that likely encompasses the most movies, that is to say "bad". A movie can be bad for any number of reasons, the script, the director, the actors, the production value, etc. It could be one of these factors, but it is likely more than one. The thing with bad movies is that they generally get worse with repeated viewings. You might of not enjoy "Your Highness" the first time, but by viewing number ten you will hate it with a burning passion. Why they get worse does change from movie to movie, and some people claim movies can be "so bad they are good", but this seems unlikely.

It gets a little worse with each viewing.

Good movies is another fairly large category.  Good movies don't get worse as you see them, but they don't get much better either. Movies of all types fall here, most properly handled genre pictures will be "good". Good movies are a varied lot, some you will watch, like, and forget about all in the same day; while others might stay with you a long time. These movies are competently made with out reaching a truly higher level. Certainly you would watch a "good" movie again, but you wouldn't get much more out of it.

Wroth a watching every so often.

This is likely the smallest category for everyone, the great movies. These are movies that get better with time and more viewings. This movies go beyond "good", they are movies that some might call "flawless". Most people will only have a extremely small handful of movies that they consider great. One that might come up more often than others is "The Godfather". For myself, it has gotten a little bit better each time I have seen.

Well I think it is "great". Maybe the sequel too.

This is all a matter of personal opinion. What is "great" to one person might just be "good" to another. As with all art, there is a huge amount of subjectivity. Still, yet to find anyone to call "Battlefield Earth" anything other than "bad".

Never Own a Truck.

You are just asking for bullshit when you own a truck. People expect you to do things. While at the same time there are things you can never do when you own a truck. Sometimes the same people that want to use you for your truck, are also pissed that you drive a truck. It is all a big bullshit headache, and one you don't want to ever deal with.

I wish my truck was this new or nice. Mine is old and not this make or model.

Helping people move. When you own a truck you are expected to help people move. Sometimes you might get paid, but even when you do the job is not worth the pay. Most of the time your lucky if you break even on the gas. This is the biggest burden of owning a truck, having to give up your weekends in exchange for a sore body and a lack of free time.

Related to the hassle of helping people move, is helping people haul things. It might be a large item from a store being taken back to there home, or it could be unwanted items being taken to the landfill. Either way it is going in your truck and you need to waste your time and gas to get rid of it. This often comes with the person that asked for your help being angry that you don't have rope with you. A truck cab is small, you can't carry extras with you at all times. Not that they care, they want free help with extras included.

Of course something you just can't do in a truck. You can't take a nap in a truck, at least not in the majority of them. Truck cabs are small, and you can't stretch out, nor can you recline the back of your seat, generally. So you are upright, and rather cramped, this is uncomfortable and this gets old fast. Anytime you have to wait in your truck for anything you find yourself wishing you could recline. Comfort is only one problem with a tiny truck cad...

The much worse problem is you can't have sex in a truck. There simply isn't room for the act. Maybe if both people were very small, but even then it would be incredibly awkward. Even road head is likely out of the question in most trucks. Your with a woman, it is going well, to bad, can't take it any further without finding a place. You can pick her up in your truck, but you won't get her off in it.

The one nice thing about having a truck is you never have to drive your group of friends. Of course this will piss of members of that group. Never mind that you spend every weekend help them move there shit from here to there. It is suddenly a real issue that they own a 4 seat vehicle and you don't. The restaurant is only three blocks away not across town, and it is only one trip in your car, not 4 loads of furniture in a truck across town. If they are going to bitch you can't drive the group, then they need to start coughing up more cash when they need help in the form of a truck.

So truck ownership, don't do it. Get yourself a two door car. That way no one will ever ask you for anything. While technically it has four seats, they are too small and cramped for anyone to ever want to ride in them.

Superman Pros and Cons

This is a bit off my regular schedule, but I wanted to share this with you all.

Tell me what you think.

Second Attempt at "Micro Reviews"

Last week, in addition to some other ideas, I mentioned the concept of "micro reviews". That is to say review that are very quick and done go into great depth. Also, I posted my first, and honestly rather weak attempt. Today  I want to share my second attempt.

It is much longer, and concerns more games. This video is about all of the various Mario RPGs that have been made. So here it is.

I would welcome any and all feedback. This seems better to me than my first attempt, but still could be greatly improved. Any advice would be welcome.

Thank you kindly for watching and your feedback.

Ideas Vol. 6

It has been a while since the last time the last "ideas" post, so time to fix that.

1. The ability to send smells over the phone or text message.

Imagine if you could send more than a text, more than a picture. Think about when you are eating some quality food, if you could send out a picture of it that would also capture the delicious aroma. Or on the other end of the spectrum, what if you could send out a truly rancid fart to everyone you know. Think of the great experiences that could be shared with the aid of smell.

2. Poetry for the common man.

How about some poetry an average Joe could relate to? Maybe something about going home, taking a shit, drinking a beer, rubbing one out, and going to bed. Now that would be something for the average man. Or some nice poems about how good that stripper's ass looks? That would be inspirational. How about a poem about all the disappointments of life, but being to much of a pussy to just end it? That would strike a cord with a lot of people.

3. Micro Reviews.

Everyone does long detailed reviews, why not just do short reviews. Just a few sentences. Now this idea I am actually experimenting with. Here is the first attempt. There are more than a few problems with it, but I think the core idea is sound.

Easter Time

Easter time is here again. It is the time of year when Christians celebrate the death and return of Optimus Prime, no, that isn't right, that other poorly written children's character... Jesus. Not that you would know that, based on what you see everywhere you would think this holiday was about chocolate gluttony, and rabbit fetishism.

He died for your sins... no wait, got them confused again.

Easter Sunday is kind of a downer if you are not in to the whole religious bullshit angle. Most of the stores are closed, and restaurants are either closed or serving a limited menu. Sure, this day is about the most common imaginary friend in the country, but does that mean everything in the country has to grind to a halt? Can't people do their regular jobs while paying superficial lip service? Times might be changing, Walmart is open on Easter.

He has the touch, he has the power... no wait, wrong one once again.

So tomorrow we can all go to Walmart and get some cheap imported products. Meh, still beats rationalizing the voices in your head by going to church, the people there are assholes anyway. If only there was a place to get a decent burger on Easter. Happy Zombie Jesus Day everyone.

Retail "Joys"

Everyone has worked retail at one time or another. If you haven't, you were more than likely born with a silver spoon shoved squarely up your ass. There are certain people that every retail employ has to deal with at one time or another. Doesn't matter where you worked, from Wal Mart to Nordstrom, the dressing might change but the costumer underneath is the same everywhere.

The "But they have it at _____" guy. This costumer wants something that your store does not carry. They come in to inform you that the local competition does have it. They seem to be under the impression that if your competitor carries it, and they inform you of it,  somehow magically it will appear in the store. It won't. If you want that item, please go to the competition, and never come back here.

Then there is the "Oh, I have a coupon.. but I think it is at home, can I use it anyway?" dumb-ass. No, you can't, not now, not ever. If you want to use a coupon, you need it with you at time of purchase. No amount of bitching at the register will make up give you a discount. Oddly enough you get this person more at place that don't actually ever have coupons. This might be the dumbest type of customer in existence, or maybe the one with the biggest balls, but then the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Oh and the "When will this be on sale?" asshole. As if the costumer service level person would know. The best answer to this person is "It was on sale a week or two a go, you just missed it by that much". It will go on sale whenever the hire ups feel like it, no one you can talk to can influence that. You will waste more money on the gas coming here to check that you will ever save on the product.

Welcome to your personal hell.

Working retail is a hell we all go through. Some people stay there forever, some move on to entirely different hells. In the end all we can do is laugh at it, because it hurts less than crying. Bonus points to you if ever told your manager what you really thought.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's day. May you all get drunk and get laid. Today everyone is just a little Irish, except maybe the Italians.

This year the hangover tomorrow will be a bit worse than usual. Tomorrow is Monday, and that is the worst day of the week to wake up with a hangover. To make matters worse, it has only been a week since daylight savings time and no one is really adjusted yet. If your boss has a problem with you being in a little less than top from, follow another Irish tradition and punch your boss till they stops moving. 

Hope you enjoy the day, and a drink or too. Eat a potato, and a bit of corned beef. Sign a sweet song, and forget to wear a rubber. Have a good time, and in the morning know you had a great time you will never remember.

Daylight Savings Time

It is that time again. The time when an hour is lost. We set the clocks a head an hour, and lose an hour of sleep. Or we sleep in for an extra hour (according to the clock anyway), and completely destroy what passes for a sleeping pattern. Some might ask why do this, and the good news is there are a few theories.

The idea that makes the most since is to further torture insomniacs. What that your lucky to get 3 hours of sleep at a go? Good news, your going to be cutting back on that!

As it now takes place in March, used to happen in April, it could be a scam to make the hangovers from Saint Patrick's Day even worse.  Too early for that you say? That is the great genius of this scam. You think that doing the week before gives you enough time to adjust. It does not.

Could be that there is no real reason. It is just a collective expression of masochism by the American public. This is just a sign that the average person's self-hatred has gotten to critical levels. Not sure how it got this bad. Reality TV might be part of this self-hatred, or be another sign of it.

Well this time of year is a special hell all its own. So happy Saint Patrick's Day, know that hang over will hit just a little harder this year, thanks to daylight savings. Have an exhausted day.

Bullshit Quotes

There are a lot of common quotes that sound good, but when you scratch the surface don't hold up.You encounter them in many places. Likely many of them are/were "pearls of wisdom" from a teacher, boss, or caregiver.

"Truth is beauty, beauty is truth." John Keats wrote that. It is perhaps the most pleasant sounding lie that has ever been spoken. "The truth" is almost always an unpleasant. When presented with the truth people become angry, scared, and very likely to become violent. Think for a second what would happen if you were honest with anyone in your life. Your boss. Your significant other. Your "friends" you have here and there. You would find yourself fired, single, and like in the hospital.

A picture of "The Truth"

"... the truth will set you free." John 8:32 (NIV). Only half of the verse there, as most people only say that part, and do so not realizing where it comes from. The truth would only set you free in the case that you are wrongfully accused. If you were guilty, the truth will take your freedom. Depending on the situation, the truth can be the worst possible thing for a situation, as it will not lead to freedom, or anything good.


"Once you choose hope, anything's possible." Christopher Reeve. Having said that, he still never walked again. Never got back on a horse either. Seems that despite having hope on his side the laws of nature, physics and the universe as a whole still limited his possibilities. Not to run the guy down, he was a good guy, a decent actor, and had one hell of a bad ride one day. Still, hope means very little compared to the often harsh realities of what is, and that which cannot be changed.

There are many more, but there will be time for them later. Maybe you have a favorite quote you would like to be analyzed with a cynical eye. Please do share.

System Shock 2 FINALLY Out again.

It took long enough. I am not getting paid to spread the word about this, I am just a fan that wants as many people as possible to play this masterwork of a game. It is out now on "Good Old Games" (GOG), and is supposed to come to Steam later this year. GOG has an exclusivity contract for the game for the next 5 to 6 months, after which it will likely show up on Steam, hopefully in time for the summer sale.

Greetings insect.

Originally released in 1999, System Shock 2 was mind blowing at the time, and far beyond anything else on the market at the time. While today the graphics are not much to look at, the gameplay and story are still far beyond most of the other games out there.

If you are wondering what this game is like, it is a lot like the first Bioshock. However, it is much harder, and has actual RPG elements, not just the window dressing of them. "Deus Ex" might be a better comparison now that I think of it. The point being that it is a first person game, with guns, and with lots of stats and skills to keep track of, that allow you to approach the same situations in many different ways. This leads to a very high replay value.

So pick it up on GOG http://www.gog.com/gamecard/system_shock_2. Or wait for the Steam release. Either way, you owe it to yourself to play this masterwork.

Retail Retards

Ever notice the look of the people that run the cash registers most places? Something seems "off" about these people. What it is is rather hard to pin down. Likely there are several things going on, a compound solution to the problems of the retail clerk.

Drugs? Retardation? Fetal alcohol syndrome? Little of each?

Admittedly not all retail workers need much in terms of mental abilities. The cart pushers, the door greeters, shelf fillers, and a few others, can be mostly without higher brain functions and perform their tasks just fine. Walmart and Target have taken this idea to its logical extreme.

Some retail workers seem to have something wrong with them. While some simply seem to be high, other seem to have more serious problems. In the retail game, there seem to be a lot of mild retardation. Some of them seem to have both going for them. Remember, don't move to fast around them, they might become aggressive.

Clearly these people have it bad, so we should try them with kindness. Don't take out your frustrations on retail workers. Instead take them out of children screaming in the store.

More Restaurant "Fun"

Restaurants employees can't seem to keep their stories straight. If you are going to tell a customer "no", and then give a reason, keep that reason straight. Nothing is worse than being caught in a lie, least of all by someone that will/might give you money.

Polly's Pies sent out a flyer advertising, among other things, strawberry rhubarb pies being on sale. That is a tasty pie, so seeing it on sale is nice. However, when going into get the pie things went poorly. The cashier says "Were all out, um... we don't make that pie any more, and ah that sale ended like ah um a week a go", sadly that is an exact quote. Well which is it? Are they sold out, or do they not make it anymore? The two are more than somewhat mutually exclusive. The reality it, this person didn't want to go get the pie. Normally I like apathy in a person, but this time it seems to be working against me.

With the last month or so Carl's Jr started selling a cod sandwich. Not my kind of sandwich, but a person I was eating with wanted one. The cashier didn't seem to understand what the cod sandwich was, much less that they are being sold at this restaurant. They sandwich which was ultimately made it to the table was not cod, not grilled, and from what I am  told not very good. Shouldn't the people that work at a restaurant know what is on the menu? Or at least speak English? Seems both were problems on that day.

When did not giving a shit about your job become alright? When did everyone just give up? Well it seems we have started the down a bad path, and there is no turning back. Worst part is, I got no pie.

Wastes Of Time.

Somethings are just a waste of your valuable time. So here are some things that are a waste of time, and what they really are when you break them down.

1. The Superbowl- Bunch of dudes getting together to play with their balls. This doesn't just apply to the Superbowl, but nearly all sports.

2. Family- group of people that you hate that share some of your genetic heritage. They only want you around as a potential organ donor.

3. Religion- Group of people that think their shared NEEDY imaginary friend makes them special. If you hear a voice in your head, you need medication, it is not an all powerful parental figure giving you advice.

4. Protesting- No matter how clever the sign you hold is, and no matter how long you stand/march, it will never effect anything.

5. Working without compensation- It is only work if you get paid. It doesn't need to be in money. You might help a woman with something for reasons other than money.

6. Giving a shit about anything- It doesn't make you special. No one else cares, or will take notice.

7. Blogging- Bitching about a bunch of shit no will ever read... oh wait.... shit... Well that is depressing as all hell.

Striving For Mediocre

Seems like the goal has changed. It is as if no one cares about being the best anymore. Food is getting worse, movies have nothing to say, and television after only the lowest common denominator. It is no longer a matter of trying to be the best, it is instead a quest not to be the worst.

McDonald's is not bad. It is not great either. It is edible, that is about all you can say. So why is there a trend of other fast food restaurants trying to emulate the food of McDonald's? Why is everyone making a version of the Big Mack? Jack in the Box has the Bonus Jack, Burger King has the Big King, Carl's Jr (Hardee's) has the Big Carl. The Big Mack is edible, but it is hardly great. It might only be fast food, but they could do better. Carl's Jr has made some great food in the past, the Prime Rib Burger and Steakhouse Burger come to mind, neither of which they make anymore. 

Television has gotten worse. The fact anyone knows who the person pictured above is, is proof television television is doing harm. How can "Honey Boo Boo" do better in terms of ratings than "30 Rock". "30 Rock" is a consistently well written and funny show. "Honey Boo Boo" is  very ugly white trash family eating horrid food and reinforcing stereotypes. When did quality stop mattering? When did shit become the gold standard? 

Movies. Sure it is January, and movies are usually weak this time of year. However that is no excuse for Hansel and Gretel being released. How did this happen? Some one had to first think this was a good idea, present it to their boss, who would then need to green light this idea. A writer then has to right it, and actors have to agree to be in it. How does all of this happen for an idea this bad?

So to sum up, the world is getting worse. Food is getting bland, TV is making you less intelligent, movies... dear god... When did being the best stop being the goal?