Black Friday is coming. The last thing you should is shop. Instead you should spend a day at home. Relax, and take a breather. There is enough rushing about in daily life without adding more on a day you have off. Do nothing, or at least nothing high stress.
Do some light drinking. Stay home, and have no more than three beers an hour. Just enjoy a day long buzz. Hide your phone before hand to avoid any drunk dialing. We are looking to avoid stress.
Watch some holiday themed pornography. Or if you hate the holidays, watch some of whatever you are into. Or just find some to bang all day long. Seems like some sexual release would do you a lot more good than a cheap HDTV.
Work on that plan you have to get revenge on your enemies. Everyone has one, and most of them need more than a bit of polish. Poor your heart into it. Then you can put your plan into action and hopefully have no remaining enemies by next Black Friday.
Sleep. Catch up on all the back sleep. More then likely what I will be doing.
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Ideas Vol. 7 Laws Edition
Here in the USA we live in a land of laws. There exist laws and ordinances for virtually every facet of life. However, it seem that some of these legal concepts are a bit one sided, and should be balanced just a little better. Here are just a few ideas along this line of thought.
1. Drunk Driving.
Not everyone reacts to alcohol the same way. Yet, everyone is held to the standard of ".08". So, how about a test to determine what the limit for each individual would be. Lightweights might be unsafe to drive after only one beer; whereas some people might be alright to drive after chugging a 5th. Then on each person's license it would have a mark to denote where the limit was for that individual. This wouldn't be permanent, as the drunk testing would be done each time the license came up for renewal.
2. Taxing Churches.
Every business and individual pays taxes. That is all but one, the business of selling faith pays no tax. It is time they anted up. Churches take in billions of dollars, and it is all tax free. This should stop. Not just for the revenue it would generate, but also because churches hold sway over how their members will vote. If churches want a say in politics, then they should pay just like everyone else.
3. Having children.
In some parts of the US in order to have an abortion, a woman must watch an abortion being preformed. While the merits of this are highly debatable, it is the way it is some places. That being said, turn about about is fair play. So in order to go ahead and give birth a mother should have to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal surrounded by screaming, crying, and hyper children. This would lead to a lot less children being birthed. Why should we act like giving birth is any better than terminating a birth? Both are fine options, and should be treated equally.
1. Drunk Driving.
Not everyone reacts to alcohol the same way. Yet, everyone is held to the standard of ".08". So, how about a test to determine what the limit for each individual would be. Lightweights might be unsafe to drive after only one beer; whereas some people might be alright to drive after chugging a 5th. Then on each person's license it would have a mark to denote where the limit was for that individual. This wouldn't be permanent, as the drunk testing would be done each time the license came up for renewal.
2. Taxing Churches.
Every business and individual pays taxes. That is all but one, the business of selling faith pays no tax. It is time they anted up. Churches take in billions of dollars, and it is all tax free. This should stop. Not just for the revenue it would generate, but also because churches hold sway over how their members will vote. If churches want a say in politics, then they should pay just like everyone else.
 |
| A piggy bank long overdue to be emptied. |
3. Having children.
In some parts of the US in order to have an abortion, a woman must watch an abortion being preformed. While the merits of this are highly debatable, it is the way it is some places. That being said, turn about about is fair play. So in order to go ahead and give birth a mother should have to sit in a restaurant and eat a meal surrounded by screaming, crying, and hyper children. This would lead to a lot less children being birthed. Why should we act like giving birth is any better than terminating a birth? Both are fine options, and should be treated equally.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The Real 12 Days of Christmas
Yes, as it that time of year, we need at least one new song parody. Hope you enjoy it.
On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Dealing with Hangovers.
We all know St Patrick's day is coming. It is a fun day that you will just barely remember if done right. The down side to the holiday is the morning (or afternoon) the next day. That hangover that hits some harder than others. It is alright, there are ways to deal with a hangover.
Waking up hungover is a horrid experience, but there are very easy steps to deal with it. First, have drink, not a big one, a good shot or a mixed drink depending how much work you want to do. Having more alcohol will get rid of some of the symptoms, but they will return if you don't follow the next step. Now that you have had a little more booze, drink lots of water or better still Gatorade (any non-caffeinated sports drink will do). The hangover is caused mostly by dehydration, so the water or sports drink will hydrate you. Sports drinks are better for a number reasons, one they have some calories your body needs, secondly they give your body back some of salts and other nutrients that likely left your body in some way the night before. Now that you are hydrated have a nice meal with some good protein and you should be ready to face whatever the day has in store for you. That is all you have to do. Vodka is a good choice that first step, and eggs work well for the meal. Keep in mind, too much more alcohol will make things worse.
Now some people would rather avoid the hangover altogether. If you are planning to drink heavily avoiding a hangover is almost impossible. Some are lucky and have the genetics to not be troubled by hangovers, this doesn't help the remainder of the population. You could not drink; but whats the fun in that? You can lessen the effects of hangover by avoiding mixing alcohol and caffeine, and by mixing your booze with fruit juice. The fruit juice method can have its own problems as too much sugar can lead to hangover like effects.
Hope you all have a good time on St Patrick's day. Luckily it is on a Saturday this year, so the hangover won't be as big of a problem. This advice should serve you well for years to come.
Waking up hungover is a horrid experience, but there are very easy steps to deal with it. First, have drink, not a big one, a good shot or a mixed drink depending how much work you want to do. Having more alcohol will get rid of some of the symptoms, but they will return if you don't follow the next step. Now that you have had a little more booze, drink lots of water or better still Gatorade (any non-caffeinated sports drink will do). The hangover is caused mostly by dehydration, so the water or sports drink will hydrate you. Sports drinks are better for a number reasons, one they have some calories your body needs, secondly they give your body back some of salts and other nutrients that likely left your body in some way the night before. Now that you are hydrated have a nice meal with some good protein and you should be ready to face whatever the day has in store for you. That is all you have to do. Vodka is a good choice that first step, and eggs work well for the meal. Keep in mind, too much more alcohol will make things worse.
Now some people would rather avoid the hangover altogether. If you are planning to drink heavily avoiding a hangover is almost impossible. Some are lucky and have the genetics to not be troubled by hangovers, this doesn't help the remainder of the population. You could not drink; but whats the fun in that? You can lessen the effects of hangover by avoiding mixing alcohol and caffeine, and by mixing your booze with fruit juice. The fruit juice method can have its own problems as too much sugar can lead to hangover like effects.
Hope you all have a good time on St Patrick's day. Luckily it is on a Saturday this year, so the hangover won't be as big of a problem. This advice should serve you well for years to come.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
January Annoyances.
Every January has the same group of annoyances that pop up. There seems to be little reason for these things to happen, but they seem to be part of an extended new years ritual that doesn't seem to end till midway through February. Each year they happen and slowly fade away. If such is their fate, why must they come up at all?
People that pay for a year long gym membership and only use if for a few weeks make working out a pain. They clog the parking lot, crowd the gym. Most of them aren't even working out, they are sitting on a machine without actually using it. Men and women are both guilty of this, but have slightly different habits. The men come for two weeks, and then bullshit themselves into thinking they are in shape and stop going. Women keep going till Valentines Day, at which point they stop. Why do these people bother? They are throwing away money, and just making it harder for people that really do give a damn about working out.
Then there are the people that swear off drinking after waking up hungover on New Year's Day. Most of them make it a week, then the weekend hits and they hit the bottle. It wouldn't be so bad, but these people for that week are very vocal about there newly found (and very short lived) teetotalism. They all seem to be on a high horse about not drinking, but never want to hear about it again when happy hour hits on Friday. If these people were smart, they would know the cure for hangovers is not no more booze, but having a few more drinks that morning and then re-hydrating.
People not getting the date right. You are in line at a store, but in front of you is a middle aged woman that doesn't get enough attention. So she makes a big deal she just put the wrong date on her check. "Oops, its a new year. Do I need to write a new check, or can I cross out the date?", first she did this on purpose to get some human contact, secondly why doesn't she use a debit card? The answer being that if she used her debit card, she could feel like the center of attention for holding up the line.
January would be so nice, if it weren't for all the people. All the people, and all of their bullshit. Can't anyone just keep it to themselves?
People that pay for a year long gym membership and only use if for a few weeks make working out a pain. They clog the parking lot, crowd the gym. Most of them aren't even working out, they are sitting on a machine without actually using it. Men and women are both guilty of this, but have slightly different habits. The men come for two weeks, and then bullshit themselves into thinking they are in shape and stop going. Women keep going till Valentines Day, at which point they stop. Why do these people bother? They are throwing away money, and just making it harder for people that really do give a damn about working out.
Then there are the people that swear off drinking after waking up hungover on New Year's Day. Most of them make it a week, then the weekend hits and they hit the bottle. It wouldn't be so bad, but these people for that week are very vocal about there newly found (and very short lived) teetotalism. They all seem to be on a high horse about not drinking, but never want to hear about it again when happy hour hits on Friday. If these people were smart, they would know the cure for hangovers is not no more booze, but having a few more drinks that morning and then re-hydrating.
People not getting the date right. You are in line at a store, but in front of you is a middle aged woman that doesn't get enough attention. So she makes a big deal she just put the wrong date on her check. "Oops, its a new year. Do I need to write a new check, or can I cross out the date?", first she did this on purpose to get some human contact, secondly why doesn't she use a debit card? The answer being that if she used her debit card, she could feel like the center of attention for holding up the line.
January would be so nice, if it weren't for all the people. All the people, and all of their bullshit. Can't anyone just keep it to themselves?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Weddings.
Marriage, the union of two people. Two people coming together for love, or at least economic reasons, maybe forever, more like not. It is a day about the couple, all eyes on them, and is a lovely event if done right. Sadly as time goes on more and more annoying bullshit sneaks into the ceremony and the event surrounding it. The idea of a wedding is sound, it is just that it needs a little work.
Drunks need to stop giving toasts. The newly weds should get a few toast, form family and friends, parents and loved ones. Can we just make sure the people giving them are relatively sober. No one needs a drunk girl rambling on for 10 minutes about "good times" she had with the bride. Nor do we need the a male friend telling an embarrassing story about the groom. Toast should be loving word, well wishing, and maybe small pearls of wisdom. They should never be about that "time we experimented together" or "when my bro totally got crabs that time".
Weddings need air conditioning. Don't do the ceremony outside, do it inside of a place that has some air conditioning. Every man is in a black suit, and they get hot quick. Listening to your holy man of choice droning on for an hour is much easy to take if you have cool air blowing on you. While we are on it, let every one sit for the ceremony, no one needs to stand to hear a holy man ramble.
Have an open bar. Maybe not all night, but for an hour or two. We came for your special day, brought a gift, and have endured whatever show you decided to put on. The very least you could do is give your guest a few free drinks to make the evening seems a little better. No one should need to pay 10$ for a drink at a wedding. In fact, for being there, and bringing a gift, you should get all the booze you can drink.
Just a few ideas to make the day go better. In the end, most marriage end in divorce, so we should make the wedding day as good as it can possibly be for all parties involved. Keep the drunks out of the toast, blast the AC, and keep the free drinks coming.
Drunks need to stop giving toasts. The newly weds should get a few toast, form family and friends, parents and loved ones. Can we just make sure the people giving them are relatively sober. No one needs a drunk girl rambling on for 10 minutes about "good times" she had with the bride. Nor do we need the a male friend telling an embarrassing story about the groom. Toast should be loving word, well wishing, and maybe small pearls of wisdom. They should never be about that "time we experimented together" or "when my bro totally got crabs that time".
Weddings need air conditioning. Don't do the ceremony outside, do it inside of a place that has some air conditioning. Every man is in a black suit, and they get hot quick. Listening to your holy man of choice droning on for an hour is much easy to take if you have cool air blowing on you. While we are on it, let every one sit for the ceremony, no one needs to stand to hear a holy man ramble.
Have an open bar. Maybe not all night, but for an hour or two. We came for your special day, brought a gift, and have endured whatever show you decided to put on. The very least you could do is give your guest a few free drinks to make the evening seems a little better. No one should need to pay 10$ for a drink at a wedding. In fact, for being there, and bringing a gift, you should get all the booze you can drink.
Just a few ideas to make the day go better. In the end, most marriage end in divorce, so we should make the wedding day as good as it can possibly be for all parties involved. Keep the drunks out of the toast, blast the AC, and keep the free drinks coming.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The most Dysfunctional Time of the Year.
With the holidays upon us, I thought it was time for an honest song about the holidays.
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
With the kids loudly yelling
And everyone telling you "Fuck this time of year"
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
With the holiday drinking and mad family beatings
When friends come to call
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know, you wish to go
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know, you wish to go
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
With the kids loudly yelling
And everyone telling you "Fuck this time of year"
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
With the holiday drinking and mad family beatings
When friends come to call
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know, you wish to go
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know, you wish to go
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
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