No Cheap Candy

 I love Halloween. I know it is has been a week since Halloween. Usually around this time you can get leftover Halloween candy at huge discounts. That didn't happen this year.

This year the day after Halloween all the candy was gone from stores. Not a single piece of discounted candy to be found at any Walmart or Target I went to. Where did it all go? I doubt it was donated to anyone. Was it just taken back for repackaging? 

Why has one of the best parts of Halloween been taken away?

Happy Halloween

Remember if you give out raisins, you deserve the egging your house gets. Same goes for pennies, coupons, religious pamphlets, and other none candy items.

Let's Talk About The Holiday Season

Top 10 Best and Worst Halloween Treats.

Halloween is the best best of all holidays. You get free candy. However, not all candy was created equal. So lets see the the best and worst.

We will start with the best.

10. Dum Dums. Small lollipops that comes in dozens of different flavors, and most of them are pretty good.

9. M&Ms. All varieties. These would be higher if there weren't so few of them in the "fun size" they hand out.

8. Hershey's Cookies 'n' Creme. Enjoyable as long as it is not too cold.

7. Butterfinger. Tasty, but they do tend to get caught in your teeth.

6. 3 Musketeers. Light and sweet.

5. Twix. A good balance on this one, chocolate, with chewy caramel, and a crunchy cookie. Just feels nice in the mouth.

4. Peanut Butter Snickers.

3. Milky Way. Even better if it is the dark chocolate version. 

2. Kit Kat. They are just half a fun sized, and are good in all three flavors (white, milk, and dark).

1.  Reese Peanut Butter Cup. The king of all Halloween candy. Chocolate and peanut butter, what more do you need?

Now for the other side of things. The bad Halloween "treats".

10. Pennies. Well at least it is money. A small ineffectual amount, but still.

9. Tootsie rolls. They come in many flavors, and they are all horrid.

8. Coupons. Doesn't matter what they are for. If you are doing this to promote your own business, then you need some better ideas.

7. Jolly Ranchers. There is nothing jolly about these.

6. Life Savers. This is meant to kill bad breath, it is not a treat.

5. Smarties. I hear some kids crush them up and snort them. Well, sounds better than eatting them.

4. Licorice. This is the anti-candy.

3. Religious anything.

2. Leftover candy form other holidays. Easter, last year's Christmas, even Valentines day. It is likely out of code, and should not be given to anyone.

1. Raisins. These are not a treat. If you hand them out, your house should be egged.

Things to do on Halloween.

This is a list of things that is completely acceptable to on Halloween. Most of these should not be done any other day of the year.

Egg the houses of people handing out raisins. Those aren't candy. They are grapes that need to be thrown out.

Go to churches while wearing a devil costume. Play it completely straight.

Take a friends kid trick or treating. This is a loophole that lets adults get free candy.

Dress like a whore. That is pretty much what every female costume is anyway.

Use it as an excuse to show up at your job out of uniform. Just show up in your regular cloths and claim to be some character. Even the worst ballbuster of a boss won't call you on this.

Hide behind be "in character" while in your costume to get a pass on saying grossly inappropriate things. You know, if you don't have the balls at other times.

Minor acts of vandalism.

Begging. 

Well it really did happen...

I warned this would happen last year. People thought I was joking, but no it really happened. There is a "Black Friday" sale that is starting on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Christmas has now officially taken over Thanksgiving.

The horde is coming early this year, and every year from now on.

Now the day before Thanksgiving people will be trampled to death. This will give some families so much to be thankful for. Is half off a TV worth a human life? The average "Black Friday" shopper thinks so.

This will get worse next year. 2014 will have a "Black Friday" sale on Tuesday. The next year Monday. In only a few short years "Black Friday" will be the day after Halloween. How long will Halloween hold the line against the horrors of the Christmas shoppers? How much of the year will be enough to appease Christmas? The truth is that unless something is done the whole year will be given over to the Christmas season. .

We must do something to stop the spread of Christmas. We need to say "no" to Christmas. We need to fight Christmas. We need to find Santa, we need to hang him for his crimes. The elves too must be punished, perhaps through a series of elf on elf death fights. The reindeer can be made into tasty sausage. We must stop Chirstmas, it may already be too late. Still we must give it a fight.

Why I Love Halloween

Long time readers of this blog will know that I have a love of Halloween. Some of you have asked "why". So, this week I will try to explain my love of this holiday.It should be no surprise to anyone that childhood memories play a role in my love for Halloween. Of course, there are other reasons as well.

First, it was the only holiday that wasn't in someway ruined by members for my family. My parents didn't fight over it, my brothers did not do things to make it unpleasant. There was no boring day spent with extended family ending in a bad meal, like so many other holidays. There was just costumes, candy, some time alone going door to door.

Also school was a little less torturous during Halloween. School was a kind of psychological torture for me, from the first day of kindergarten to final day of high school. While my grades were good, I hated everyone, everything, and every moment spent in school. However on Halloween it wasn't so bad. The teachers didn't seem as suicidal and incompetent. It was the one day I wasn't the most outcast among the students, on Halloween that "honor" went to the kid with no costume (likely the child of fundamentalists).

Now that was all a long time ago. In adult life I have found more reasons to love Halloween. From the various hooker outfits that women wear on Halloween, to the cheap candy you can get on the first of November. Plus it seems to be the only barrier to Christmas taking over more of the year than it already has.

There is much more I could say on this subject. However, most of it is either too personal, or too depressing, for this outlet. Thanks for reading. Next week will be a bit more funny, and a lot less personal.

Halloween Hatred.

It is no secret that that I love Halloween. Recently some people pointed out that I throw hate and insult on all the other holidays, and show only love for Halloween. This is true, there is no debating it. So today we will talk about some "pet peeves" of mine about Halloween. So let the hate being.

Anyone that has ever put a costume on their pet. This is not a holiday for pets, and no pet has ever wanted or needed to wear cloths. It is not cute, it is a sign to the world that you have, or will, made/make love to your pet at some point. A pet is not a child, you are not a parent. You an asshole with a creepy relationship with your animal.

All the religious groups that come out of the woodwork when Halloween time comes. No "god" gives a shit about Halloween. If you think your "god" does, find a better one. "Satan" has better things to do than getting people to hand out tiny candies while in costume. If "Satan" is running any holiday, it is Christmas.

Seeing the sad kid with no costume. Usually the child of an insane couple. They have some issue with Halloween (likely based in some religious gibberish), and feel the need to force it on to the child. Children have enough bullshit to deal with, there is no need to heap more on them. Let them have some free candy, and dress up like whatever it is they are into these days. 

People giving out pennies. Pennies are not candy. Pennies are just barely currency. People hand them out should get cancer, and some heavy metal poisoning for good measure. If you hand out pennies you house deserves to get egged. Go spend 20$ on some chocolate.

There is hate here, even for the only good holiday Halloween. While generally the good overshadows the bad, the bad is still there. Only a few more days left till Halloween, then the horrors (and whores) of Christmas start.

Halloween Don'ts

Long time reader of this blog will know of my love for Halloween. It is the only good holiday, the only holiday I have good memories of as a child. In recent years things things have started to happen that need to be put to an end.

Don't hand out things that aren't candy. Pretzels are not candy. Raisins are not candy,  they are not even nature's candy, handing them out will lead to your house being rightfully egged. If you are giving out dental supplies, they had better come with some fucking chocolate. If you hand out pennies children are within there rights to kill your pets.

Don't go to a church function on Halloween.There is more than enough superficial religious dressing on other holidays.  We don't need this taint on Halloween. We need scares, free candy, and as much distance form religion as we can get. If you must go to a church on Halloween it should be to perform hilarious pranks in the black of night.

Don't send your child to school without a costume. Is getting your kid beaten at school worth whatever bullshit you are into? In fact if Halloween is on a school night, just let the kid take Halloween and the day after off. With or without costume give the kid a good memory.

Don't do any Christmas shopping before Halloween. The line must be drawn here. Christmas has taken over Thanks Giving. We can't let another Holiday be steamrolled by the unholy curse that is Christmas. We must fight Christmas by making Halloween bigger, and longer. Slowly letting Halloween bleed into November till we have pushed Christmas back into December.

This one is for the women out there, don't be pissed when men look at you in your "sexy ______" outfit. I say "sexy ______" because every costume for women is basically a fetish whore outfit. Nurse, cat, vampire, zombie, cop, whatever else you got, are all just hooker outfits with a theme that barely justifies it as a costume. If you dress like a whore, don't be pissed when you get looked at as such. Not that I am complaining about the outfits, only the bitchy attitude that comes with them far to often.

Halloween is great, lets keep it that way.

Thanksgiving.

There is a holiday between the greatness of Halloween and the horrors of Christmas that seems to get smaller every year. That holiday is Thanksgiving. It is admittedly a waste of a good Thursday where you choke down a bad meal while putting up with people you can't stand. However Thanksgiving used to serve a purpose, that was to hold back all the overwhelming bullshit that comes with Christmas. 

Once upon a time November was all about Thanksgiving. None of the stink of Christmas was on the month at all. Everything in the month was about the long weekend, and bad meal, that everyone had to look forward too. No Christmas movies were on TV during November, nor did you ever hear a Christmas song on the radio or played in a store. It was a time that was a buffer between the best and the worst holiday. The month helped you shift your gears. Not so much anymore.

Now Thanksgiving is almost forgotten. Starting November 1st the "Christmas season" is on, and its volume is turned to 11. Blaring Christmas music is in every store, and every channel play increasingly worse movies about Christmas. Thanksgiving was never a great holiday, but it was a nice calm before the storm.

Sadly, there is nothing to be done. Thanksgiving sucks, and no one seems to miss it, not that there was all that much to miss.

Halloween is coming.

Halloween is the only good holiday. It is the only holiday that doesn't involve large amounts of bullshit. Sadly however, it seems to be on the decline in resent years.

Halloween is great because of all the things you don't have to do. No gifts to buy, no bad meal to choke down, no family you hate anyway, no grand display of affection, no annoying false patriotism. While being a holiday, it shares in none of the worst parts that other holidays have. No one ever gets suicidal on Halloween, unlike some other holidays that could be named.

What Halloween does have is simple: candy, costumes, and Satan. Who doesn't love candy? Who doesn't think a costume one day out of the year could be fun? There is no Satan involved really, we just barrow some of his style for the holiday. It is a holiday without an ulterior motive.

Halloween is about fun, only holiday you can say that about. Christmas is about greed. Thanksgiving is about gluttony. Valentines is about lust.  Halloween is just a good time, with some candy, and a bit of dress up. Shame that it seems to get smaller every year.