Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Counterfeit Money.

Every so often you find yourself in possession of fake money. Counterfeit bills that have no real value, but you got them as change, or found them on the ground, doesn't really matter how you got them as now you need to get rid of them. Now even if your money is fake, you should still get something for it.

One good place to take your bad money is charity. Teach a lesson to the man asking for donations outside of the store, just imagine him explaining this to his boss. Church collection plates are another fine opinion, and give you the opportunity to exchange your problem for actual money. Put that fake ten in the plate, and reach in and grab a two fives as "change". The church isn't selling a real product, why should they get real money? The best part of the charity option is you can write it off on your taxes.

Another good option is to spend it. Now you can't do this at any retailer, you need to find a small street vender, or any place with bad lighting. The man selling hot dogs on the street isn't going to check. A stripper doesn't have time to check every bill that is placed in her thong. Kids with a lemonade stand have never even heard of counterfeit money. Have a bad waiter? I got a great way to leave them a tip.

It might be fake, but it is your money. You didn't create it, you just stumbled across it. You could do the right thing and destroy it, or you could have a little fun.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Children in stores.

It doesn't matter where you go. Everywhere large amounts of screaming children can be found. The parents seem either unwilling, or worse, unable to do anything about their little bastards. The children in and of themselves do not offend me, it is the excessive amount of noise they generate that gets to me. We are not talking about babies here, we are talking about ones old enough to know better. Something must be done.

The parents should be silencing their children, or at least teaching them not to scream at all times. Electric collars would be a nice way to keep them quiet, few thousand volts every time they get past a certain level of sound. After 4 of 5 shocks, they would not be screaming anymore. Or a good well timed slap would serve just as well, but it would need to be while the child is making the noise, or the child may not understand why it is getting slapped. In general a parent could do much to prevent the noise.

If the parents are unwilling to take discipline in to their hands (in which case they should have their children taken away, but that is another blog) then the other people at the store should be allowed to fill the role of disciplinarian. Low power cattle prods could be carried into store to keep loud and annoying children inline. The stores could have the security guards roam the isles with duct tape, a few layers of that would teach a child a valuable lesson. If these methods fail, we could train large dogs to attack anything making to much noise, sure some kids might not make it, but is that to much to pay for a quiet shopping experience.

In the end, we just need to make children understand screams are for seriously bad things, not everyday. However, if they must scream, why not give them a reason?

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Strippers, those wonderful not quite whores that entertain and empty the pockets of men. They dance, they grind, and usually will have sex for money. They have success as long as there exists a few men that still find them attractive and aren't bothered by the obvious sign of early in life abuse, and the crazy baggage that comes with it all. So here are a few thoughts on strippers.

The best looking strippers are found from 7pm to 2am, on Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. The further you get from these times the less attractive the women will generally be. On a Tuesday or Wednesday morning you would be lucky to see a woman without a cesarean scar; hell you might see women with fake limps to go along with the fake tits.

You can have some fun with strippers, other than the obvious. Want to clear them out of the club? Just yell "Whoever has the kid locked in the car. They found your stash", they will clear out at speeds you wouldn't believe. Strippers are also a great way to get rid of any counterfeit money you might have come across.

Remember, strippers aren't really in to you. Also, if you have fallen for a stripper, you can do better.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Time Travel Abortionist.

Traveling through the depths of time to solve the problems of the past with a vacuum. He has a time machine, and a MD, and he is out to make the future better by improving history. His work has help already, if you thought Hitler was bad, you should of seen what happened with is older bother in charge. You say Hitler didn't have an older bother? Well your right, at least not any more.

The aborted fetuses are not killed, they are kept in suspended animation in case they removal didn't have the desired effect. Sometimes the problem you want to prevent is replaced with a far worse problem. If you have the fetus on hand, you can re-implant the mother and set time back to the way it was. It can be messy, and sometimes the fetuses can get mixed up, that can lead to all kinds of new problems.

If the abortion does change the timeline for the better it is then used for stem cell research.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The right response.

There are many questions that lead to long conversations. There are ways to avoid this. It is all of matter of having the right response ready. With the right response many conversations can be completely avoided.

At jury duty: "How do you feel about drunk driving number 8?" to which you say "Well it got me here this morning.", and you are then dismissed.

Don't want to deal with the guy selling cable service in a store? Try this: "Excuse me sir, what cable service do you have?" reply "Whatever I am stealing from the neighbor". That cuts those annoying salesmen off quick.

The people with petitions outside of stores don't take no for answer. However: "Will you sign this? What city are you from" the reply "I am here illegally". Leaves them speechless.

Just remember, you don't know these people. You will never see them again. So you an do as you like, and never need worry.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Public Executions.

Lets start having some fun with executions. Why does it have to be so serious, with just a few family members and relations of victims? We should be broadcasting them. We should be doing better than an electric chair, lethal injection, or even firing squad. What we need is to make them into money making media events.

First we need to make the audience much bigger. Lets sell ticket, and make it a pay per view event. Rather than a small room looking in at the soon to be dead man, we should have a grand colosseum with a jumbotron so can see all that happens in glorious high definition. Of course things would need to be a bit more interesting than what we have today.

Imagine if you will, a man being beheaded on top of a giant roulette wheel. Then imagine all the people betting on where the man's head will land. Or we could have a machine that randomly selects how the man will die, there again allowing for gambling to take place. Could line up a dozen executions for one day, so as to get a few hours of entertainment.

However, a man about to die should have a chance to get out of it, so how about a death maze? Lined with traps, and other dangers, but with a slim chance that the man may survive and win his life and freedom. The maze could have several prisoners inside, with the understanding that only one can make it out alive. A maze of death, and only the  first to the exit gets to live.

Such things could make our prison system turn a profit. It could help the economy.