Enough with the Christmas Lights

I was driving around after sunset and I noticed many homes still turning on their Christmas lights. This shouldn't be happening in January. If  they want to leave them up, fine, just don't turn them on. 

Honestly Christmas taints too much of the year already. Usually you see christmas stuff in store starting in August. And you have multiple channels that do "Christmas in June". With some channel having Christmas movies played every week of the year. 

We need to reclaim the year from Christmas. Some people talk about a "war on Christmas", it is clear that Christmas won and is roundup the remains of the other side into camps.

Let's Talk About The Holiday Season

Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays to all. I am out of town this week. Might have something for you latter this week, if there time. Sorry for the lack of content. You know how this time of year can get.

Well it really did happen...

I warned this would happen last year. People thought I was joking, but no it really happened. There is a "Black Friday" sale that is starting on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Christmas has now officially taken over Thanksgiving.

The horde is coming early this year, and every year from now on.

Now the day before Thanksgiving people will be trampled to death. This will give some families so much to be thankful for. Is half off a TV worth a human life? The average "Black Friday" shopper thinks so.

This will get worse next year. 2014 will have a "Black Friday" sale on Tuesday. The next year Monday. In only a few short years "Black Friday" will be the day after Halloween. How long will Halloween hold the line against the horrors of the Christmas shoppers? How much of the year will be enough to appease Christmas? The truth is that unless something is done the whole year will be given over to the Christmas season. .

We must do something to stop the spread of Christmas. We need to say "no" to Christmas. We need to fight Christmas. We need to find Santa, we need to hang him for his crimes. The elves too must be punished, perhaps through a series of elf on elf death fights. The reindeer can be made into tasty sausage. We must stop Chirstmas, it may already be too late. Still we must give it a fight.

Why I Love Halloween

Long time readers of this blog will know that I have a love of Halloween. Some of you have asked "why". So, this week I will try to explain my love of this holiday.It should be no surprise to anyone that childhood memories play a role in my love for Halloween. Of course, there are other reasons as well.

First, it was the only holiday that wasn't in someway ruined by members for my family. My parents didn't fight over it, my brothers did not do things to make it unpleasant. There was no boring day spent with extended family ending in a bad meal, like so many other holidays. There was just costumes, candy, some time alone going door to door.

Also school was a little less torturous during Halloween. School was a kind of psychological torture for me, from the first day of kindergarten to final day of high school. While my grades were good, I hated everyone, everything, and every moment spent in school. However on Halloween it wasn't so bad. The teachers didn't seem as suicidal and incompetent. It was the one day I wasn't the most outcast among the students, on Halloween that "honor" went to the kid with no costume (likely the child of fundamentalists).

Now that was all a long time ago. In adult life I have found more reasons to love Halloween. From the various hooker outfits that women wear on Halloween, to the cheap candy you can get on the first of November. Plus it seems to be the only barrier to Christmas taking over more of the year than it already has.

There is much more I could say on this subject. However, most of it is either too personal, or too depressing, for this outlet. Thanks for reading. Next week will be a bit more funny, and a lot less personal.

Resent News Items.

These are just my reactions to some resent, and somewhat resent, news items.

Zimmerman got off. Not much of a surprise. If not for the media coverage it likely would of not gone to trial. There is a lot of emotional arguments for why he should of been found guilty, but the law is about the facts not about the emotion surrounding them. Was justice done, don't know, we have a "legal system", not a "justice system".

Kim Kardashian had a baby. Why is this treated as news? Also, why isn't the baby named "Kunt"? Anyone want to take bets on what age this child will enter rehab the first time? Wonder which parent it will take after, the media whore of marginal talent, or the media whore of no talent.


The Steam Summer Sale is on. I am a man of no faith, I am not a patriot, nor do I possess a strong connection to family or any group of people. So when Steam has a sale it is like Christmas, Thanksgiving, the fourth of July, Saints Patrick's day, and Easter, all rolled together. You might not get it, but at least it isn't forced on you like some other holidays I could name.

The "War" on Christmas

Some people claim there exist a war on Christmas. This is untrue. If a war on Christmas was ever waged, clearly Christmas won and then enslaved the survivors of the losing side. So clearly it is time for someone to try to take down Christmas. So lets ask some uncomfortable questions about this holiday.

There are those who claim we need more "Christ" in Christmas. Alright, if you feel that way. However, first I am going to ask you to prove that this "Christ" character ever actually existed. Sure, some various churches claim to have proof, but they have a certain interest in keeping people believing in "Christ", more than a bit of a conflict of interest. A body of this man would be great proof, but sadly if we find one, that will lead to the death of Christmas. So, Christians, the ball is in your court on this one. If you want more "Christ", just prove he was real, and not a collective driven imaginary friend.

Some people say Christmas is too commercial. They might have a point. Then again, the economy is rather bad at the moment. If Christmas is so commercial, would the economy be this bad? Seems like a overly commercial event would do a lot to help the economy, yet Christmas doesn't seem to be helping all that much. So lets spend more money, and spend less time with asshole we hate (family).

There is a separation of church and state in my country. So they say. However, Christmas is a national holiday. This is a supposedly christian holiday it is "CHRIST-mas' after all. So how much separation between church and state is there, when a clearly christian holiday is a national public holiday?

There is no war on Christmas, but there should be. So lets start one. Lets make it as forgotten as all of the various "saint" days.

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

Yes, as it that time of year, we need at least one new song parody. Hope you enjoy it.



On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

Christmas Assholery

Well Thanksgiving is over, so we are in the "official Christmas season". Rather than bitch, let's have some fun with this season. People are at there worst during this season, so it seems only right to screw with them. How can we use the elements of this season to make this season fun?

In the overcrowded parking lots there are many way to have fun. Organize a card game that take place in a parking lot. Bring a large folding table (or several) and take up as many spaces as you can with your friends gambling. Make sure someone in the group buy some gum form a store connected to the parking lot, so you can't be accused of loitering. If gambling isn't your thing, you can do the same thing with a game like "Magic the Gathering" or "Warhammer". Do whatever you like at the tables, the idea is to take up as may spaces as possible to make the parking situation that much worse. Keep in mind nothing about this is illegal, it is just a massively asshole like behavior. 

Now if you actually must go into a store you need not limit yourself to only shopping. You could always play with the placing of prices on the shelves, or the location of merchandise. Either will have the same effect. While people backs are turned you can take the time to remove or add items from/to their cart.  Of course if all of that is too much work for you, there exist other options. Why not eat some Mexican food and then go to the most crowded part of a store and let the pressure release. Then there is taking up the time of sales people looking for products you know they don't have, and asking questions they can't answer. Not only are you wasting the time of the sales person, you are wasting the time of every actual paying customer.

There are many thing you can do. Be creative, and know the law. You will be amazed at how far you can go without breaking any laws.

Yuletide Rapin'

I don't want to talk about Christmas. I don't want to think about it. I sure as hell had no plans to blog about it this week, or this month. Sadly, after today, I simply must. Today started alright, then I had to go buy a few things. It is when I went into stores that it became impossible to ignore Christmas.

In every store you are greeted at the door with a yuletide raping. Every where you go Santa is waiting, with his pal Jesus, to tie you down with tinsel and take turns on you with their "yule logs". Sometimes they take turns, sometimes they go both at once, it doesn't matter, they are waiting for you at every store. They also go by the motto "Blood is nature lube". In the worst of cases they let the reindeer have a go.

Everywhere you go there are poorly made decoration punishing your eyes. Screaming children and yelling adults making you wish for sweet silence of death. Every where there are heaters on, making rivers of sweat and stink. Why must everything about Christmas make to world so much worse? Why does it have to have to involve the torture of every one of the senses?

We must start a war against Christmas. We need to see that it is contained, and isolated. Make it so it only exists a week before December 25.

Halloween Don'ts

Long time reader of this blog will know of my love for Halloween. It is the only good holiday, the only holiday I have good memories of as a child. In recent years things things have started to happen that need to be put to an end.

Don't hand out things that aren't candy. Pretzels are not candy. Raisins are not candy,  they are not even nature's candy, handing them out will lead to your house being rightfully egged. If you are giving out dental supplies, they had better come with some fucking chocolate. If you hand out pennies children are within there rights to kill your pets.

Don't go to a church function on Halloween.There is more than enough superficial religious dressing on other holidays.  We don't need this taint on Halloween. We need scares, free candy, and as much distance form religion as we can get. If you must go to a church on Halloween it should be to perform hilarious pranks in the black of night.

Don't send your child to school without a costume. Is getting your kid beaten at school worth whatever bullshit you are into? In fact if Halloween is on a school night, just let the kid take Halloween and the day after off. With or without costume give the kid a good memory.

Don't do any Christmas shopping before Halloween. The line must be drawn here. Christmas has taken over Thanks Giving. We can't let another Holiday be steamrolled by the unholy curse that is Christmas. We must fight Christmas by making Halloween bigger, and longer. Slowly letting Halloween bleed into November till we have pushed Christmas back into December.

This one is for the women out there, don't be pissed when men look at you in your "sexy ______" outfit. I say "sexy ______" because every costume for women is basically a fetish whore outfit. Nurse, cat, vampire, zombie, cop, whatever else you got, are all just hooker outfits with a theme that barely justifies it as a costume. If you dress like a whore, don't be pissed when you get looked at as such. Not that I am complaining about the outfits, only the bitchy attitude that comes with them far to often.

Halloween is great, lets keep it that way.

The Good Part Of Any Holiday.

Valentine's Day has come and gone. It is a a holiday that is a bit of chore if you are man, and free gifts if you are a woman. Putting that aside, it is another holiday where hoards of overpriced novelties are made available before hand and sold incredibly cheaply afterward. That is the great part of most of the worst holidays, the very cheap candy one can find the day after. Christmas, Valentine's, Easter,  all horrid waste of time, but the day after each of them one can find high quality candies and chocolate at rock bottom prices.

Now to get the best stuff you will need to get to the store early, when they open if possible. You then need to sprint to holiday section, and be ready to push old women out of the way. You aren't the only person here with a plan to get cheap chocolate, you may need to be ready to knock some people out. The best stuff will go quickly, and if you get there too late all you will fine are off brands, and the stuff no one wants in the first place. After you have found your prize, take it to the register and get ready to be shocked at how cheap everything has become after only one day.

A good haul will set you up for your candy need till at least the next holiday. Yes the candy will be themed to whatever holiday you got it after, but that is alright, after all  Reese's peanut butter heart or egg tastes just as good as a peanut butter cup. You can use your hoard of holiday candy to  confuse people, as no one expects a Milky Way Santa in June. If you have any small children you see regularly they will be very happy to get conversation  hearts or marshmallow chicks weeks and months after the holidays they are made for.

Remember just because a holiday is a pain in the ass waste of time, it doesn't mean it is completely without charm. So after every holiday be ready to get needlessly violent in the name of saving a few dollars. It is fun, and profitable.

Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs

It is hard to distill the horrid music of Christmas into a list of only five. However, a list any longer would lead to endless ranting no one would want to read. So here are the worst pieces of music associated with the most dysfunctional time of the year. 

5. The Christmas Shoes.

Many people hate on this song. Many people are right to do so. It is doubtful Jesus cares about your footwear, if real, he is wearing sandals, Velcro would blow his mind. I have heard this was turned into a movie, never seen it, but I assume it to be a form of eye torture, much as the song is a from of ear rape.

4. Blue Christmas.

Any version really. The Elvis version is the most common, and while Elvis is the king, this might just be the turd that killed him. There is a rumor that he didn't want to record this song, so he made changes to it, and then did an exaggerated version of his style to make them not use it on the album. No way to know if it is true, but to made a song this grinding on the nerves, one would almost need to have done it intentionally.

3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.

Several problems with this one. First, there is a child singing it, no really just kind of screaming it into the microphone. Secondly, hippos are very violent and ill tempered animals, so if a child is dumb enough to want one they deserve what they get. Sadly, after it mauls the child the parents will still need to clean up the frequent muck-spreads of the hippo. Thirdly, this is just a very lazily written song.

2. I fell out of a Christmas tree.

This song is a lie. No one born on Christmas is happy about it, they are pissed people use it to get out of all the usual birthday things people do. People born on Christmas are bitter, they want a cake, and to not have every gift be "for both". Again, this is screeched out by a child singer, which takes it form a bad song, to one that is painful to listen to.

1. Jingle Bells.

Overplayed. It is a song you hear at least 10,000 times a year in one form or another. Most commonly you hear children screaming it everywhere, but not the whole thing, just the "jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way" part, over and over. If we only heard on the radio, it would be alright, but the high pitched screams of children have ruined this song.

Good things about Christmas.

If you have been reading posts on this blog you have likely caught on to the fact that Christmas is not held in very high esteem around here. Yes, it is true there is a lot to hate about this time of year, but it can't all be bad. While most of it is bad there are a few things that are at least tolerable.

You get free shit. Yeah, it might sound greedy, but the fact is you get gifts. Might not be what you really want, but you can always return it for some cash. The best of gift are things you want to buy yourself but don't have the cash for, a bottle of good liquor, or some high end electronics. At worst you get cash from returning the item, or get a gift card which is like cash only less useful.

 It is alright to get drunk in front of others. People give you a pass around the holidays if you want to have a few too many drinks. People know depression hits hardest around the holidays and will look the other way if you have a gallon of eggnog or vodka. If you are a holiday drunk no one thinks twice, just as long as you don't let on you are drunk during the rest of the year.

Christmas themed porn. It cums way more than once a year.

So remember, it is not all negativity around here.

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas.

It is time again for an honest holiday song. A song that is a little more honest about this time of year. This one is about Christmas, and all the yells it brings.


It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the five year old screaming once again
With lists of demands and greed in eyes aglow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Violence in every store
But the worst sound to hear is the hate that will be
Inside your own front door.

A pair of vodka tonics and a pistol that shoots
Will help Barney deal with Ben;
An abortion and fake tits,
Is the hope of boyfriend and Jen;
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand and fill with hatred again.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
This time of year is hell, the mall Santa is drunk as well,
The hookers take the stress with a kindly blow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas;
Soon the fighting starts,
And the thing that will make you run is the family that you hate
Deep within your being.

Black Friday.

It is that time of year when normally reasonable people spend hours to get 20$ off a bottom of the line television. It is a day retail employs hate, and only the dumbest of consumers enjoy. This day once signaled the start of the "Christmas season", now is seems to be right in the middle of this horrid time of year. Black Friday gets a little worse each year.

People think they will get good deals, but they don't. First, the deal are on items that are by and large not that good. Second there is the time spent to get the item. Time has a value, this value is different for each person. Rather than standing in line that time could be better spent doing almost anything thing else. The time wasted in line could be spent making money, sleeping, enjoying a meal, masturbating, with your other half, etc. By the time you have spend 3 (or more) hours in line, the money you might be saving is no longer worth it. So, if you need a deal wait till a sale next year, no waiting in line, and it will be a better model than the factory rejects that they sell only on Black Friday.

Black Friday, no day is more hated by retail employees. It starts earlier than any other work day, and the costumers are in a worse mood and much dumber than the average.  In the first half hour of the day, all the advertised deal are gone. So the remaining time in the day is spent hearing "What do you mean sold out?! When will you get more?!", the answer is never as the stuff on sale are promotional items that aren't normally carried. Then come the demands to see a manager, all of whom are hiding in the back, and won't come out for anything short of a fire. All of this ends with the store looking like looters have raided it, and it will remain in this state till sometime in the middle of January.

Every year Black Friday gets a little worse. The first was sometime in the 60's (so says Wikipedia), and slowly it has grown in to the hell on earth it is today. With each year store advertise a little more, and open a little earlier, 7am, 6am, 5am, 4am. The line wraps around the store a little more, and the shoppers come a bit earlier. This year it has gotten to a very sad point, Black Friday actually started at 10pm on Thursday at Wal-Mart. So where does it go next year? Do we go to 9pm Thursday? Will we eventually get to Black Friday starting on Wednesday?

We must stop this horrid event. Stay home, eat leftovers, read, play video games, watch porn, or plan the downfall of your enemies, just don't go shopping. Together we can bring sanity back.

The most Dysfunctional Time of the Year.

With the holidays upon us, I thought it was time for an honest song about the holidays.  

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
With the kids loudly yelling
And everyone telling you "Fuck this time of year"
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
With the holiday drinking and mad family beatings
When friends come to call
It's the crap-crappiest season of all

There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know,  you wish to go

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year

There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know,  you wish to go

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year

Halloween is coming.

Halloween is the only good holiday. It is the only holiday that doesn't involve large amounts of bullshit. Sadly however, it seems to be on the decline in resent years.

Halloween is great because of all the things you don't have to do. No gifts to buy, no bad meal to choke down, no family you hate anyway, no grand display of affection, no annoying false patriotism. While being a holiday, it shares in none of the worst parts that other holidays have. No one ever gets suicidal on Halloween, unlike some other holidays that could be named.

What Halloween does have is simple: candy, costumes, and Satan. Who doesn't love candy? Who doesn't think a costume one day out of the year could be fun? There is no Satan involved really, we just barrow some of his style for the holiday. It is a holiday without an ulterior motive.

Halloween is about fun, only holiday you can say that about. Christmas is about greed. Thanksgiving is about gluttony. Valentines is about lust.  Halloween is just a good time, with some candy, and a bit of dress up. Shame that it seems to get smaller every year.