Ideas Vol. 8

Another collections of ideas that just aren't ready for their own post yet.

1. People bitching about abortion

Unless you have had an abortion, or been part of the decision to have an abortion, you have no right to speak on this issue.

2. Addictions is not a disease.

People that say it is are just looking to remove personal responsibility from their self inflicted problem. There is a clinical definition for disease, and a definition for addictions. The two don't sync up.

3. Denny's

It is not really food. If it is not 3am, there is no reason anyone should ever eat their.

4. Dogs.

These animals should be placed into wood-chippers.

Inappropriate Gifts.

Sometimes you need to make a point. At times the best way to make a point can be with a gift. So lets see.

Have to go to a baby shower? Why not give the expecting mother something she will never forget. A single wire hanger...

Know someone going through a bad break up? There is only one gift to get them. The gift that works like magic to kill pain be it physical, psychological, or emotional. Alcohol.

What if you knew someone down on their luck? Someone without hope. The kind of person that is about to, or already has, given up. There is one thing you can get them that will do far more harm than good...

Ideas Vol. 5

It is that time again. Been more than a little while since that last "Ideas" post.

1. A truly realistic take on Batman

A spoiled rich man goes out to fight crime with millions of dollars worth of equipment. Assuming he doesn't die on his first night out, no one really has an problem putting together who would have the funds to do this kind of thing. Also there is the issue of how long it would take to develop the various gadgets.  Prototypes don't often work perfectly, and it take a lot of money and time to develop something. Not only that but there are huge numbers of people involved when developing anything. So Batman goes out the first night, likely dies, and if he doesn't everyone already knows who he is. Realism and depression are closely connected.

2. Gambling on the Suicidal.

Many people choose to take there own life. Sometimes the signs are clear, other times not so much. Losing someone is always a tragedy. However, wouldn't some cash help with mourning process? Think about it an organization that makes odds on who will end it all, when they might do it, and how they will chose to end it. Think your good friend can't cope with their divorce? Make a little a bet that they will end it. The more details on the when and how, the more the pay off will be when it happens. 

3. Sarcastic get well cards.

These are cards to send to people you are not on good terms with. Ones that look nice on the outside but then wish ill on them once they are open. Or perhaps say "I am sorry you have a cold, I wanted it to be something much more lethal". If it is something that will kill them the card could have a nice message inside like "Once the cancer takes you, I am going to bang you wife... more so than I do already". 

The Offender is now on Twitter. Bonus, funny thoughts.

Sorry folks, I am out of town this week. Not much time this week, so this is going be kind of light. As the title says I am now on twitter, The Offender @TheOffenderBlog , please do follow.

A few thoughts to make you laugh however...

They now make Watermelon Sunny D. Is there a joke to make about this that isn't racist? Didn't help that it had a coupon on it for fried chicken when I saw it.

Summer is here, and all the joys it brings. By joys I mean women wearing the bare minimum. There is nothing else good about summer. Maybe the Steam summer sale, depends what is on it.


I hear Alf might get a feature length film. That is what we need more of in cinema, puppets. Really bad looking puppets. He wants to eat your cat, and is furry. A lot of things from the 80's were because of  cocaine, they come back today because of nostalgia... horribly horribly misplaced nostalgia.

Offensive Ideas.

This blog is called "The Offender". It has however been pointed out that there has a lack of "offensive" content as of late. This is debatable, as what is offensive varies greatly from person to person. So lets see how offensive we can be, but while also making it funny.

The best reason not to cheat on a woman is it is too much work. One woman takes up enough of your time. You spend a great deal of time with the first woman, talking on the phone, going places, getting meals, seeing films, so forth. Do you really want to double the time you spend doing these things with a second woman? Sure you would get more pussy, but you are doing so much more work for it.

Abortion is always a good option. Childhood is a horrible thing, for both the child, and the people around the child. So do everyone a favor and go for an abortion. Your doing the kid a favor, public school (and private for that matter) is a hell no one needs, and your not going to be a fit parent anyway. Beside think how much money you will save in the long run without having a kid around. Also it is one less child to make noise in restaurants.

Jesus loves porn. I hear his collection is both expansive, and filled with the truly bizarre.

We should really be doing something with dead people. They are dead, but they could still contribute. We could process corpses in to chemicals for farming, or for pharmaceuticals. Or we could raise money by renting corpses out to necrophiliacs. It just seems silly to just bury this potential resource. Also how much money is just left in the ground in the form metals used in fillings and implants, or in false hips. Seems like all of that could be melted down and used again.

So this should cover us on offensive content for a while.

Philosophies of Life the Universe and Everything

Now for a few words on philosophy. There are as many philosophies of life as there are people. Some are more useful, workable, or applicable to your situation than others. Philosophies should be fluid and change to fit the realities of your daily life. You know you have one to stick with when you it can be applied to almost any situation.

Is it worth it?  How do you determine rather or not to do something. A simple answer might be, in the long run, "does it bring you money, or does it bring you happiness". Some might replace "happiness" with contentment, but that is unimportant. What is important is that this statement can keep you grounded. Should you ask out that 10, should you apply for that job, should you light fire to your neighbor's lawn. Weigh whatever you are thinking of doing against the standard of "money and/or happiness", it will clear your head, and help you find what you should do. It will lead you to let go of the unimportant, and reach for the best you can do.


Getting revenge is usually at odds with the "money and/or happiness" idea. In the end revenge will usually destroy all parties involved. So if you must get some, follow a few rules. One, make sure it can't be traced back to you. Two, don't do more than get even. Three, don't contact them to gloat. These ideas do take a lot of self-control, but in the end it will work out better if you follow them. It is "eye for an eye" with anonymity, followed by a complete breaking of ties and contact.

Earn it. There are many ways to earn your way. You can work hard, which is the thing most do. You can work smart, which not enough people do. It doesn't matter how, but you need to earn it in some way. Some people steal, and that is fine too. If you planned the theft well enough to get away with it, you earned what you took. It took just as much work to plan and prepare to steal a hundred grand as it would to earn it any other way. This is not an encouragement to commit crime, merely an alternative way of looking at the situation.  Getting away with a crime is the logical extreme of "working smarter", much as starting a business is the extreme of "hard work". It doesn't matter how you earn, as long as you earn.

Sorry there is no real humor this time around. Wanted to be a bit more thoughtful this time around. Would love to hear your philosophies.

Ideas Vol. 4

Yet again it is time for a grab bag of ideas.

1.  Whatever happened to tan lines?

Don't you miss them? Women used to have them, not any more. Where did they go? Why did they fall from grace? I liked to see them, never heard anyone complain about them. Wasn't nice to see that deep baked in brown next to that smooth milky white? Style is cyclic, so sooner or later they should make a comeback. Sadly I could not find a safe for work picture for this.

2. Think Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson are hanging out in hell?

You know they are both there. Or do they keep crack whores and pedophiles separated? Is there perhaps a special celebrity wing?  

3. Church People.

Some people think that if church is involved it makes anything and everything alright. While leaving church a friend of mine got a ticket. He was making a left turn where it was illegal to do so, as it is right turn only out of the church parking lot. He says "I told the cop I was leaving church, and he still gave me a ticket", he doesn't seem to understand that the church part doesn't matter to the cop, or anyone else for that matter. It doesn't matter if you go to church, your still an asshole. 

Ideas Vol. 3 Christmas Edition

A few thoughts about the most dysfunctional time of the year.

1. Leave your kids at home.

You are shopping, the store is packed, and everyone is in a hurry. This is all annoying, and bad enough on its own. It is made so much worse by the mobs of children crying, or singing ONE LINE of a Christmas song REPEATEDLY. Just leave them at home, it will make stores infinitely more tolerable. 

2. Turn the heat off in stores.

Stores are packed, and each person generates heat. Yes it is cold outside, but when you cram several hundred people in to an enclosed space it heats up fast. People are pissed off enough due to the season, do they need to sweat too?

3. Actually help someone in need.

Give a hobo a twenty. Yeah, he may just get loaded with it, but he will be happy for a few minutes.

Job Interview Questions.

We all need to work. To get work, we all need to endure overly long applications, and interviews. An interview is someone trying to size you up, see if they think you will work well in there company, and accomplish whatever it is they are trying for. Sadly, there are certain question asked at an interview for which there is no right answer.

One question that always seems to come up is "Why are you interested in working here?" or some variation on that. You can't answer honestly and say "I need the money", or "Because I want my power and Internet turned back on". Instead you need to bullshit out an answer about how you care about whatever it is the company does. The sad part is if you were to be honest you would never be hired.

Another question that has no real answer is "Where do you see yourself in (insert number) years from now?", as if it you have some grand and detailed plan. Again, honesty will lead to you not getting the position. If you said "Hopefully in a position where I never have to deal with a gentleman like yourself again", or "High enough above you in this company to fire you and blacklist you in this industry". So you need to give a completely made up answer where you  seem ambitious, but not enough to be a threat to the interviewer or the company on question.

The real problem is that you can't really be honest with the interviewer. No one is really excited to start work anywhere. You are working to get money. It doesn't matter if you work for Microsoft or McDonald's, you are there for the pay check. The interview process is about you feigning excitement and motivation about the company in question. You get a job by lying, you keep it by not putting a bullet in your head, you advance by sucking just slightly less than the people around you.

Two Groups that MUST go.

This is some thoughts on two groups of people. I mean no harm to anyone.

Bicycle riders on major streets. They need to find a bike trail, or it needs to be made legal to run these people over. They need to take there silly outfits, and smug attitudes, and get off the main streets. They aren't going anywhere, they just want others to see them exercising. It is pretentious exhibitionist bullshit. I would wish cancer on them, but then they might morph into the next group.

People that need to let you know what is wrong with them entirely too much. You might be sick, and that is sad, but don't bring it up for no reason. Once upon a time I worked at a big retail store, and there was a customer that had "brain cancer". I know she had "brain cancer", because when she was in the store every thing she said was prefixed with "Excuse me, I have brain cancer, and...", and when helping her, she would mention it 400 more times. It is sad she had cancer, but after talking to her, everyone I worked with agreed it wasn't killing her fast enough. If you are dieing, keep it just a little closer to the chest.

Thanks for reading today.  If you ride a bike on a major street because you lack a car, that is cool, and I bare no malice toward you. If you have cancer, I am sorry, just don't bring it up in every conversation.

Terms of Insult.

The language in this post might put some people off. Consider yourself warned.

There are some terms that are used as insults that need to be either defined, or perhaps redefined. There is a line between terms used to show disapproval, versus terms that show a lack of respect. Not all insults are equal, there exists levels. Some are situational, some are universal. But lets be honest, all are great fun when used right.

"Asshole" is one we hear a lot. This one is used so much, and is so descriptive of so many, that it has lost all impact. In fact "asshole' is practically interchangeable with "person". While true that not all people are deserving of the title of "asshole", at the bare minimum 997 out of 1000 are. Man, woman, or other, the term "asshole" has lost all bite.

Now to talk about terms for women. "Bitch" is one that comes out when someone is mad at a women, you might disapprove, but generally there is still some measure of respect. "Cunt" on the other hand shows that you have lost all respect for the woman in question. Your boss might be a "bitch", but the girlfriend that cheated on you is a "cunt". No offense intended to any lady reader I might have.

"Bastard" and "douche bag" work for men about like "bitch" and "cunt" do for women. While "bastard" did once held meaning referring to children of unmarried couples, that use has fallen almost completely into disuse. "Douche bag" (often shortened to "douche") is an ironic insult, as it is an item that literally cleans vagina. However, when a man is a "douche" he is getting no where near any vagina.

Media Formats.

Over the years there have been many formats for music, movies, and games. Every few years a new format comes out, and people begin to get things they already have have copies of, but in the new format. This has happened with vinyl records giving way to cassette, and later cassette to compact disk. Today we see people do this with Blu-ray copies of moves to replace DVD copies.

While DVDs replaced VHS, they offered more than just the movie. A DVD gave you many special feature, with deleted scenes, commentary tracks, and so forth, things a VHS could never offer. Blu-ray is now replacing DVD, but other than a better resolution doesn't give much more. While a Blu-ray is great for a new movie shot in high definition, what is gained for an old movie? Does "The Godfather" get better with resolution, doubtful, or does a Saturday Night Live movie get any less shitty with resolution, also doubtful.

When the CD replaced cassette the CD offered better sound, and was in someways more durable. That is how a format change should happen, there should be a clear advantage for switching over.  Today we seem to embrace change for the sake of change. A better resolution image is great, but is it really enough reason to buy something you had on DVD?

Reality TV.

I know it has been here for at least 10 years, but I still hate both the concept and execution of reality television. I know why it stay around, it costs very little to produce, and gets a decent number of viewers. However, it is not real, it is made to seem more than it is. It is not all the same, it comes in a few flavors, but all of them are equally exaggerated through editing and other tricks.

The many forms of reality television all are base around the idea that people love to see others do embarrassing things. It can be a washed up celebrity being follow around, or a someone that can't sing, or a man yelling at the owners of business, a group of spoiled bitchy people and their lives, and many other equally intellectually void forms, shapes, and flavors. All of them based on embarrassment, shame, and spectacle of how people can really be this blind to what is really happening.

Disgusting as I find it all, I see that is does make money. So here are a few ideas of my own for the reality television producers:

1. Russian Roulette with the "Stars". We take the lowest tier celebrities, and whichever survives the game gets a 3 picture deal to try and raise their falling stardom.

2. Blind and Deaf on a minefield. This needs no explanation.

3. Who wants to be seen as a douche bag for the rest of their life? This is really what all of it boils down to.

Ideas Vol. 2

Some more thoughts that don't quite deserve there own blog post.

1.  A practical application for an iPad.

It seems like someone should think of one. Most of what they do can be done on a cell phone, so what is the point? Yes the screen is bigger, but it is also more to carry, and it is very delicate. So I would just like something it can do that is a new trick.

2. Honesty about Honesty

We always hear about how lies will get you in to trouble, however honesty will get you in to just as much. Honesty and lies are both needed to get by. Perfect honesty will drive people away from you as most can't handle it. Constant lies will drive others from you as you will get caught in them. Getting along with others is a matter of balancing truths and lies.

3. Question Everything

Whenever your told something, question it. You will say yourself a lot of problems in the long run, if you just take the time to evaluate what you are told. If this idea is new to you, question it.

Counterfeit Money.

Every so often you find yourself in possession of fake money. Counterfeit bills that have no real value, but you got them as change, or found them on the ground, doesn't really matter how you got them as now you need to get rid of them. Now even if your money is fake, you should still get something for it.

One good place to take your bad money is charity. Teach a lesson to the man asking for donations outside of the store, just imagine him explaining this to his boss. Church collection plates are another fine opinion, and give you the opportunity to exchange your problem for actual money. Put that fake ten in the plate, and reach in and grab a two fives as "change". The church isn't selling a real product, why should they get real money? The best part of the charity option is you can write it off on your taxes.

Another good option is to spend it. Now you can't do this at any retailer, you need to find a small street vender, or any place with bad lighting. The man selling hot dogs on the street isn't going to check. A stripper doesn't have time to check every bill that is placed in her thong. Kids with a lemonade stand have never even heard of counterfeit money. Have a bad waiter? I got a great way to leave them a tip.

It might be fake, but it is your money. You didn't create it, you just stumbled across it. You could do the right thing and destroy it, or you could have a little fun.

Children in stores.

It doesn't matter where you go. Everywhere large amounts of screaming children can be found. The parents seem either unwilling, or worse, unable to do anything about their little bastards. The children in and of themselves do not offend me, it is the excessive amount of noise they generate that gets to me. We are not talking about babies here, we are talking about ones old enough to know better. Something must be done.

The parents should be silencing their children, or at least teaching them not to scream at all times. Electric collars would be a nice way to keep them quiet, few thousand volts every time they get past a certain level of sound. After 4 of 5 shocks, they would not be screaming anymore. Or a good well timed slap would serve just as well, but it would need to be while the child is making the noise, or the child may not understand why it is getting slapped. In general a parent could do much to prevent the noise.

If the parents are unwilling to take discipline in to their hands (in which case they should have their children taken away, but that is another blog) then the other people at the store should be allowed to fill the role of disciplinarian. Low power cattle prods could be carried into store to keep loud and annoying children inline. The stores could have the security guards roam the isles with duct tape, a few layers of that would teach a child a valuable lesson. If these methods fail, we could train large dogs to attack anything making to much noise, sure some kids might not make it, but is that to much to pay for a quiet shopping experience.

In the end, we just need to make children understand screams are for seriously bad things, not everyday. However, if they must scream, why not give them a reason?

Time Travel Abortionist.

Traveling through the depths of time to solve the problems of the past with a vacuum. He has a time machine, and a MD, and he is out to make the future better by improving history. His work has help already, if you thought Hitler was bad, you should of seen what happened with is older bother in charge. You say Hitler didn't have an older bother? Well your right, at least not any more.

The aborted fetuses are not killed, they are kept in suspended animation in case they removal didn't have the desired effect. Sometimes the problem you want to prevent is replaced with a far worse problem. If you have the fetus on hand, you can re-implant the mother and set time back to the way it was. It can be messy, and sometimes the fetuses can get mixed up, that can lead to all kinds of new problems.

If the abortion does change the timeline for the better it is then used for stem cell research.

The right response.

There are many questions that lead to long conversations. There are ways to avoid this. It is all of matter of having the right response ready. With the right response many conversations can be completely avoided.


At jury duty: "How do you feel about drunk driving number 8?" to which you say "Well it got me here this morning.", and you are then dismissed.

Don't want to deal with the guy selling cable service in a store? Try this: "Excuse me sir, what cable service do you have?" reply "Whatever I am stealing from the neighbor". That cuts those annoying salesmen off quick.

The people with petitions outside of stores don't take no for answer. However: "Will you sign this? What city are you from" the reply "I am here illegally". Leaves them speechless.


Just remember, you don't know these people. You will never see them again. So you an do as you like, and never need worry.

Public Executions.

Lets start having some fun with executions. Why does it have to be so serious, with just a few family members and relations of victims? We should be broadcasting them. We should be doing better than an electric chair, lethal injection, or even firing squad. What we need is to make them into money making media events.

First we need to make the audience much bigger. Lets sell ticket, and make it a pay per view event. Rather than a small room looking in at the soon to be dead man, we should have a grand colosseum with a jumbotron so can see all that happens in glorious high definition. Of course things would need to be a bit more interesting than what we have today.

Imagine if you will, a man being beheaded on top of a giant roulette wheel. Then imagine all the people betting on where the man's head will land. Or we could have a machine that randomly selects how the man will die, there again allowing for gambling to take place. Could line up a dozen executions for one day, so as to get a few hours of entertainment.

However, a man about to die should have a chance to get out of it, so how about a death maze? Lined with traps, and other dangers, but with a slim chance that the man may survive and win his life and freedom. The maze could have several prisoners inside, with the understanding that only one can make it out alive. A maze of death, and only the  first to the exit gets to live.

Such things could make our prison system turn a profit. It could help the economy.

Drunk Driving.

Sometimes it is the only way to get your car back to your home. If you leave the car in the bar parking lot, it will be towed. So you can either drive it, or pay a massive impound fee. It  might sound bad, but honestly who else is on the street at 2am? You are only a risk too yourself, and other drunk drivers. Yes, if you get pulled over you risk a DUI, but a chance of a DUI is better than definite impound fee.

Yeah, every so often a family might get hit, but really all that means is fewer children screaming in restaurants, and really that is something we can all enjoy. Also, who are these people driving around at night with there children? I submit to you they are overwhelmed parents looking for a way out. Drunk drivers are just the tool they chose to use, like a much lazier version of "suicide by cop".

Also, there is something worse than drunk driving, it is driving while an asshole.