Your Baby Is Only Cute To You.

Why is it when people have a baby they think everyone else gives a shit? We know you are having some "buyer's remorse" about having the kid, but shoving the little freak in everyone face isn't going to make that go away. So keep that thing at home till you can teach it to be quiet and to amuse itself. 

Your baby does nothing but make annoying sounds. Do something to shut the little shit up. Please. It make nothing but high pitched gibberish, and even once it can talk it won't say anything of real value for about 20 to 25 years anyway. Can we put a ball-gag on that kid, or maybe just some duct tape over its mouth? It is like having the world's most annoying pet around when you bring this little bastard around. Also, no one is buying when you try to act like the sounds coming out of it are anything other than ear rape.

The little bastard makes everything it touches sticky. Why must it leave a trail of drool, mucus, and feces everywhere it goes? Can't we put it in to some kind of holding pen to keep it form getting this slime all over everything? Seems like the only reasonable solution to this problem. Or you could put it outside, it might enjoy that.

Your baby is ugly, just like all the other ones. No baby has ever been aesthetically pleasing. It is a fact. They are an odd, squishy little creature. Nothing that it does is pleasant to look at. It always looks like something is very wrong, and there is something wrong, you brought this thing around for us to see. Evolution as made it so this creature that squirmed out of you seems like a delight, that is only a delusion.

Seriously if I had a time machine, I would go back a few months and give you the money you needed for an abortion. Would also use it do that same trick only involving your mother and father. In fact, seems like "Time Travel Abortionist" might be the best idea ever. Might take a toll on the world and its population after a time, but think how much further along stem cell research could be.

Nothing your baby can do is impressive. Great you taught it a trick. Unless it can make money with this trick, no one cares. Right now, all you are doing is adding more reasons for other people to hate this little shit machine. Want to teach it a good trick? Teach it how to fetch beers.

Remember folks, it might be to late to abort, but adoption is still an option. Or you could do a nice murder suicide thing with you, your partner, and your little bastard. Above all, just don't bother anyone else with it.

Personal Bullshit

Sorry folks, there are no jokes today. Just want to share a few details of my personal hell with you all. Maybe you don't want to hear it, but I need somewhere to say it, and here it all is.

First I am very sick. I have been since last week and my last post. It is a week later and I am still doing fairly bad. I have a lot of pressure in my chest, my ribs hurt form couching and nothing ever coming up. It seem likely I need doctor, but I have no insurance and less money. So lets hope some vitamin C is enough to get me back on a healthy path. If it doesn't, then I guess I might just learn that last punchline.

Second my brother's wife just had their first child. It is a little girl. Knowing the two of them, the best name the child could have is "future abuse victim".  Seems criminal that a pair like them can have a child with no one doing anything to stop them. Well too late now, in 16-18 year the child will be a problem for the state. Sometimes an abortion would be a better solution for all parties involved.

Thirdly, and lastly, I think I have lost my woman. No point in details here. How can I explain something I don't fully understand? She might be gone, but I still love her. Might not matter to her if I love her, but I do and always will.

Well that is all my sad bullshit. Sorry for the lack of humor. Next week, and next year we will laugh together again. Happy New year, Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays. On New Years, have a drink for me.

Strippers.

Strippers, those wonderful not quite whores that entertain and empty the pockets of men. They dance, they grind, and usually will have sex for money. They have success as long as there exists a few men that still find them attractive and aren't bothered by the obvious sign of early in life abuse, and the crazy baggage that comes with it all. So here are a few thoughts on strippers.

The best looking strippers are found from 7pm to 2am, on Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. The further you get from these times the less attractive the women will generally be. On a Tuesday or Wednesday morning you would be lucky to see a woman without a cesarean scar; hell you might see women with fake limps to go along with the fake tits.

You can have some fun with strippers, other than the obvious. Want to clear them out of the club? Just yell "Whoever has the kid locked in the car. They found your stash", they will clear out at speeds you wouldn't believe. Strippers are also a great way to get rid of any counterfeit money you might have come across.

Remember, strippers aren't really in to you. Also, if you have fallen for a stripper, you can do better.