Even More Fun With Counterfeit Money.

Counterfeit money is something everyone encounters every now and then. It doesn't matter how you came across it. It is in your possession, and you need to do something with it. The "right" thing to do is turn it over to the police, or perhaps just to destroy it. However, it seems there are other promising options available for your fake money.

Take it down to the church of your choice and put it in the collection plate. It doesn't need to be your own church. You might be a Catholic and want to teach the Lutherans down the street a lesson. Or maybe you just want to screw over the Scientology center for harassing you a bit too much. No matter what church you take it too, you can still write it off on your taxes. Don't feel bad about it, they sell false hope at churches, so why not pay for it in false money?

Give it too people that are looking to make change. "Hey man, got change for a twenty?", "Why yes I do". Admittedly this only works if you have small bills that have been counterfeited, and a lot of them. Of course you could do the reverse of this, stand out side a 7/11 looking to break a 50 or 100 because most of them won't take large bills.

Take it down to a "swap meet". A "swap meet" is a wonderful place where people sell stolen and knock-off merchandise off of blankets and tables. As almost everything is already stolen, it seem like the perfect place to spend a few counterfeit dollars. This way if what you bought doesn't work, you aren't really out anything.

Just a few ideas. You should of course do the "right" thing. Even if it is not the funny option.

The "War" on Christmas

Some people claim there exist a war on Christmas. This is untrue. If a war on Christmas was ever waged, clearly Christmas won and then enslaved the survivors of the losing side. So clearly it is time for someone to try to take down Christmas. So lets ask some uncomfortable questions about this holiday.

There are those who claim we need more "Christ" in Christmas. Alright, if you feel that way. However, first I am going to ask you to prove that this "Christ" character ever actually existed. Sure, some various churches claim to have proof, but they have a certain interest in keeping people believing in "Christ", more than a bit of a conflict of interest. A body of this man would be great proof, but sadly if we find one, that will lead to the death of Christmas. So, Christians, the ball is in your court on this one. If you want more "Christ", just prove he was real, and not a collective driven imaginary friend.

Some people say Christmas is too commercial. They might have a point. Then again, the economy is rather bad at the moment. If Christmas is so commercial, would the economy be this bad? Seems like a overly commercial event would do a lot to help the economy, yet Christmas doesn't seem to be helping all that much. So lets spend more money, and spend less time with asshole we hate (family).

There is a separation of church and state in my country. So they say. However, Christmas is a national holiday. This is a supposedly christian holiday it is "CHRIST-mas' after all. So how much separation between church and state is there, when a clearly christian holiday is a national public holiday?

There is no war on Christmas, but there should be. So lets start one. Lets make it as forgotten as all of the various "saint" days.

Halloween Don'ts

Long time reader of this blog will know of my love for Halloween. It is the only good holiday, the only holiday I have good memories of as a child. In recent years things things have started to happen that need to be put to an end.

Don't hand out things that aren't candy. Pretzels are not candy. Raisins are not candy,  they are not even nature's candy, handing them out will lead to your house being rightfully egged. If you are giving out dental supplies, they had better come with some fucking chocolate. If you hand out pennies children are within there rights to kill your pets.

Don't go to a church function on Halloween.There is more than enough superficial religious dressing on other holidays.  We don't need this taint on Halloween. We need scares, free candy, and as much distance form religion as we can get. If you must go to a church on Halloween it should be to perform hilarious pranks in the black of night.

Don't send your child to school without a costume. Is getting your kid beaten at school worth whatever bullshit you are into? In fact if Halloween is on a school night, just let the kid take Halloween and the day after off. With or without costume give the kid a good memory.

Don't do any Christmas shopping before Halloween. The line must be drawn here. Christmas has taken over Thanks Giving. We can't let another Holiday be steamrolled by the unholy curse that is Christmas. We must fight Christmas by making Halloween bigger, and longer. Slowly letting Halloween bleed into November till we have pushed Christmas back into December.

This one is for the women out there, don't be pissed when men look at you in your "sexy ______" outfit. I say "sexy ______" because every costume for women is basically a fetish whore outfit. Nurse, cat, vampire, zombie, cop, whatever else you got, are all just hooker outfits with a theme that barely justifies it as a costume. If you dress like a whore, don't be pissed when you get looked at as such. Not that I am complaining about the outfits, only the bitchy attitude that comes with them far to often.

Halloween is great, lets keep it that way.

Ideas Vol. 4

Yet again it is time for a grab bag of ideas.

1.  Whatever happened to tan lines?

Don't you miss them? Women used to have them, not any more. Where did they go? Why did they fall from grace? I liked to see them, never heard anyone complain about them. Wasn't nice to see that deep baked in brown next to that smooth milky white? Style is cyclic, so sooner or later they should make a comeback. Sadly I could not find a safe for work picture for this.

2. Think Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson are hanging out in hell?

You know they are both there. Or do they keep crack whores and pedophiles separated? Is there perhaps a special celebrity wing?  

3. Church People.

Some people think that if church is involved it makes anything and everything alright. While leaving church a friend of mine got a ticket. He was making a left turn where it was illegal to do so, as it is right turn only out of the church parking lot. He says "I told the cop I was leaving church, and he still gave me a ticket", he doesn't seem to understand that the church part doesn't matter to the cop, or anyone else for that matter. It doesn't matter if you go to church, your still an asshole. 

Counterfeit Money.

Every so often you find yourself in possession of fake money. Counterfeit bills that have no real value, but you got them as change, or found them on the ground, doesn't really matter how you got them as now you need to get rid of them. Now even if your money is fake, you should still get something for it.

One good place to take your bad money is charity. Teach a lesson to the man asking for donations outside of the store, just imagine him explaining this to his boss. Church collection plates are another fine opinion, and give you the opportunity to exchange your problem for actual money. Put that fake ten in the plate, and reach in and grab a two fives as "change". The church isn't selling a real product, why should they get real money? The best part of the charity option is you can write it off on your taxes.

Another good option is to spend it. Now you can't do this at any retailer, you need to find a small street vender, or any place with bad lighting. The man selling hot dogs on the street isn't going to check. A stripper doesn't have time to check every bill that is placed in her thong. Kids with a lemonade stand have never even heard of counterfeit money. Have a bad waiter? I got a great way to leave them a tip.

It might be fake, but it is your money. You didn't create it, you just stumbled across it. You could do the right thing and destroy it, or you could have a little fun.