Retail "Joys"

Everyone has worked retail at one time or another. If you haven't, you were more than likely born with a silver spoon shoved squarely up your ass. There are certain people that every retail employ has to deal with at one time or another. Doesn't matter where you worked, from Wal Mart to Nordstrom, the dressing might change but the costumer underneath is the same everywhere.

The "But they have it at _____" guy. This costumer wants something that your store does not carry. They come in to inform you that the local competition does have it. They seem to be under the impression that if your competitor carries it, and they inform you of it,  somehow magically it will appear in the store. It won't. If you want that item, please go to the competition, and never come back here.

Then there is the "Oh, I have a coupon.. but I think it is at home, can I use it anyway?" dumb-ass. No, you can't, not now, not ever. If you want to use a coupon, you need it with you at time of purchase. No amount of bitching at the register will make up give you a discount. Oddly enough you get this person more at place that don't actually ever have coupons. This might be the dumbest type of customer in existence, or maybe the one with the biggest balls, but then the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Oh and the "When will this be on sale?" asshole. As if the costumer service level person would know. The best answer to this person is "It was on sale a week or two a go, you just missed it by that much". It will go on sale whenever the hire ups feel like it, no one you can talk to can influence that. You will waste more money on the gas coming here to check that you will ever save on the product.

Welcome to your personal hell.

Working retail is a hell we all go through. Some people stay there forever, some move on to entirely different hells. In the end all we can do is laugh at it, because it hurts less than crying. Bonus points to you if ever told your manager what you really thought.

The "War" on Christmas

Some people claim there exist a war on Christmas. This is untrue. If a war on Christmas was ever waged, clearly Christmas won and then enslaved the survivors of the losing side. So clearly it is time for someone to try to take down Christmas. So lets ask some uncomfortable questions about this holiday.

There are those who claim we need more "Christ" in Christmas. Alright, if you feel that way. However, first I am going to ask you to prove that this "Christ" character ever actually existed. Sure, some various churches claim to have proof, but they have a certain interest in keeping people believing in "Christ", more than a bit of a conflict of interest. A body of this man would be great proof, but sadly if we find one, that will lead to the death of Christmas. So, Christians, the ball is in your court on this one. If you want more "Christ", just prove he was real, and not a collective driven imaginary friend.

Some people say Christmas is too commercial. They might have a point. Then again, the economy is rather bad at the moment. If Christmas is so commercial, would the economy be this bad? Seems like a overly commercial event would do a lot to help the economy, yet Christmas doesn't seem to be helping all that much. So lets spend more money, and spend less time with asshole we hate (family).

There is a separation of church and state in my country. So they say. However, Christmas is a national holiday. This is a supposedly christian holiday it is "CHRIST-mas' after all. So how much separation between church and state is there, when a clearly christian holiday is a national public holiday?

There is no war on Christmas, but there should be. So lets start one. Lets make it as forgotten as all of the various "saint" days.

Christmas Assholery

Well Thanksgiving is over, so we are in the "official Christmas season". Rather than bitch, let's have some fun with this season. People are at there worst during this season, so it seems only right to screw with them. How can we use the elements of this season to make this season fun?

In the overcrowded parking lots there are many way to have fun. Organize a card game that take place in a parking lot. Bring a large folding table (or several) and take up as many spaces as you can with your friends gambling. Make sure someone in the group buy some gum form a store connected to the parking lot, so you can't be accused of loitering. If gambling isn't your thing, you can do the same thing with a game like "Magic the Gathering" or "Warhammer". Do whatever you like at the tables, the idea is to take up as may spaces as possible to make the parking situation that much worse. Keep in mind nothing about this is illegal, it is just a massively asshole like behavior. 

Now if you actually must go into a store you need not limit yourself to only shopping. You could always play with the placing of prices on the shelves, or the location of merchandise. Either will have the same effect. While people backs are turned you can take the time to remove or add items from/to their cart.  Of course if all of that is too much work for you, there exist other options. Why not eat some Mexican food and then go to the most crowded part of a store and let the pressure release. Then there is taking up the time of sales people looking for products you know they don't have, and asking questions they can't answer. Not only are you wasting the time of the sales person, you are wasting the time of every actual paying customer.

There are many thing you can do. Be creative, and know the law. You will be amazed at how far you can go without breaking any laws.

Customer Service.

Most people have been on both sides of customer service. We all had to deal with an unreasonable customer, a clerk that clearly didn't care, or perhaps just a profoundly stupid individual on either side. The problem on both sides are people that are just complete assholes.

Customer service people are paid to service customers. Many of them are take this the wrong way. Most of them are apathetic, uninformative, and more interested their phones than helping customers. Someone walks up looking for a product from an empty shelf, rather than check for more, they just shrug and say "I guess were out". At least bullshit the guy a bit, walk to the back and count to five, or fake checking inventory on a computer. Don't be so obvious with the fact that you don't give a shit, at least bullshit a little to earn your check.


On the other side there are loud, self centered customers. People that need printer ink, but don't know what kind of printer they have, or what cartridge it takes. People that see a long line, and try to come right to the front of it. Or the real superstars that come in looking for "that thing I saw on TV", but won't give anymore detail about what they want. If you don't know what you need, don't assume anyone can help you find it. Try bring the empty printer cartridge, or getting in the back of the line, or finding out the name of  "that thing on the TV".

We have all been on both sides, at least most of have. The end source of all problem with both sides are people that are exceptionally self-centered, too stupid to ask for what they need clearly, or maybe a lot of people that just don't give a shit. So we need smarter people on both sides, that know the universe is not about them, and maybe we could all put ourselves in the other man's shoes. We just need some sympathy, some courtesy, and some taste.

Ideas Vol. 1

This is just a list of things that don't need there own entry.

1. A section for people without children at restaurants.

You go into a restaurant to enjoy a meal, your food arrives just a the kid at the next table starts to scream. The parents do nothing about it. So I why not have a a "No Child" section, just as there was once a  "No Smoking" section. Never again will your meal be ruined by some loud little bastard. However, the waiters/waitresses working in the "With Children" section should get some hazard pay.

2. A coffee house that serves beer.

No not just a bar. This is a place for all the people dragged along to coffee horses that don't actually like to drink coffee. So while everyone else has their caffeine fix, you can enjoy your favorite beer.  I imagine there would be some friction at first between the coffee drinkers and beer drinkers, but at the end of the day mutual hate of wine drinkers would lead to peace.

3.  Remove the stigma around being an asshole.

At the very least 19 our of 20 people are assholes. So why is it still an insult? When asshole is  the norm, we either need to redefine the term, or just use it to refer to all people. Seriously, after a moment of honest reflection, can you name one person that isn't an asshole? I didn't think so.