Things to do on Halloween.

This is a list of things that is completely acceptable to on Halloween. Most of these should not be done any other day of the year.

Egg the houses of people handing out raisins. Those aren't candy. They are grapes that need to be thrown out.

Go to churches while wearing a devil costume. Play it completely straight.

Take a friends kid trick or treating. This is a loophole that lets adults get free candy.

Dress like a whore. That is pretty much what every female costume is anyway.

Use it as an excuse to show up at your job out of uniform. Just show up in your regular cloths and claim to be some character. Even the worst ballbuster of a boss won't call you on this.

Hide behind be "in character" while in your costume to get a pass on saying grossly inappropriate things. You know, if you don't have the balls at other times.

Minor acts of vandalism.

Begging. 

The Internet Sucks.

All the internet has ever done is piss me off.

Forums filled with douchebags. Mostly the whiny kind. People that claim things are offensive, when very few things actually are. People that want spoiler tags on things that are years old, or really spoiler tags on anything ever. Moderators and admins that are powerless in the real world and need live out power fantasies online. This isn't just one forum, or even some forums, this is every god damn forum in existence.

"News" that is laden with misinformation. Doesn't matter what site. Yahoo, Google, and all others share the guilt on this. Some news stories have half truths, but far more of them are completely fictitious. Some of the names might be right, but the events are so distorted as to be the ramblings of a madman.

Women with fake pictures. I am happy to bang you if you are a 5. I just don't like being lied to about what to expect when we meet. Could you at least lie a little less? If you are a 5 and want to give the impression of a 6 or 7, that is fine. Don't go trying to sell yourself as 10. Keep it in at least somewhat based in fact.

Internet "humor". No meme has ever been funny. Not a single one. Repetition does not make it any better.

Blogs that are just a bunch of bitching... oh, wait... shit.

Hookers for the Handicapped.

Sex sells. Some people make a career out of selling sex one act at a time. Among these people, doing god's work, are those who specialize in one thing or another. A few of them are specializing in servicing the handicapped.

The term "handicapped" is a rather loose term. When used here are they just referring to cripples and the wheelchair bound, or do they also mean the mentally handicapped? Is it all unlucky solders, or is it also an adult version of the kid with the helmet we all knew? Do they really take any handicapped? Are people in "iron lungs" welcome? 

What leads a hooker, whore, or prostitute to specialize in the handicapped? Is it just that "no" really does mean "no" when your client is in a wheelchair? Are handicapped people just a lot less work to get off? Or does the fixed income of the disabled make them a reliable "John"? It really must be nice to know they worked you into their limited budget.

Do cops have special sting operations just to find the handicapped that are soliciting sex? If they do, do the handicapped go in the same holding cells as everyone else? Or does a special holding cell exist with a handrail around the perimeter? Do they put a wheelchair bound man in handcuffs, or do they have a "Denver boot" for the wheelchair?

Does the reverse of this exist? Are there wheelchair bound whores, for dudes in to that? Are there in fact dudes into something like that? Do they call themselves "Handi-whores"?

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

Yes, as it that time of year, we need at least one new song parody. Hope you enjoy it.



On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

Halloween Don'ts

Long time reader of this blog will know of my love for Halloween. It is the only good holiday, the only holiday I have good memories of as a child. In recent years things things have started to happen that need to be put to an end.

Don't hand out things that aren't candy. Pretzels are not candy. Raisins are not candy,  they are not even nature's candy, handing them out will lead to your house being rightfully egged. If you are giving out dental supplies, they had better come with some fucking chocolate. If you hand out pennies children are within there rights to kill your pets.

Don't go to a church function on Halloween.There is more than enough superficial religious dressing on other holidays.  We don't need this taint on Halloween. We need scares, free candy, and as much distance form religion as we can get. If you must go to a church on Halloween it should be to perform hilarious pranks in the black of night.

Don't send your child to school without a costume. Is getting your kid beaten at school worth whatever bullshit you are into? In fact if Halloween is on a school night, just let the kid take Halloween and the day after off. With or without costume give the kid a good memory.

Don't do any Christmas shopping before Halloween. The line must be drawn here. Christmas has taken over Thanks Giving. We can't let another Holiday be steamrolled by the unholy curse that is Christmas. We must fight Christmas by making Halloween bigger, and longer. Slowly letting Halloween bleed into November till we have pushed Christmas back into December.

This one is for the women out there, don't be pissed when men look at you in your "sexy ______" outfit. I say "sexy ______" because every costume for women is basically a fetish whore outfit. Nurse, cat, vampire, zombie, cop, whatever else you got, are all just hooker outfits with a theme that barely justifies it as a costume. If you dress like a whore, don't be pissed when you get looked at as such. Not that I am complaining about the outfits, only the bitchy attitude that comes with them far to often.

Halloween is great, lets keep it that way.

Strippers.

Strippers, those wonderful not quite whores that entertain and empty the pockets of men. They dance, they grind, and usually will have sex for money. They have success as long as there exists a few men that still find them attractive and aren't bothered by the obvious sign of early in life abuse, and the crazy baggage that comes with it all. So here are a few thoughts on strippers.

The best looking strippers are found from 7pm to 2am, on Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. The further you get from these times the less attractive the women will generally be. On a Tuesday or Wednesday morning you would be lucky to see a woman without a cesarean scar; hell you might see women with fake limps to go along with the fake tits.

You can have some fun with strippers, other than the obvious. Want to clear them out of the club? Just yell "Whoever has the kid locked in the car. They found your stash", they will clear out at speeds you wouldn't believe. Strippers are also a great way to get rid of any counterfeit money you might have come across.

Remember, strippers aren't really in to you. Also, if you have fallen for a stripper, you can do better.