The Real 12 Days of Christmas

Yes, as it that time of year, we need at least one new song parody. Hope you enjoy it.



On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the second day of Christmas
my family made me:
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the third day of Christmas
my family made me:
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fourth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the fifth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the sixth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the seventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eighth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and a Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the ninth day of Christmas
my family made me:
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the tenth day of Christmas
my family made me:
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my family made me:
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

On the first day of Christmas
my family made me:
Twelve unwanted art and crafts
Go to eleven malls
See ten people I hate
Nine shitty fruitcakes
Bang eight fetish hookers
Beat-up seven Santas
Stand in six return lines
Drink a fifth of vodka
Eat four pounds of ham
Trample three unlucky shoppers
Consider Suicide twice
and Crash drunkenly into a tree

Good things about Christmas.

If you have been reading posts on this blog you have likely caught on to the fact that Christmas is not held in very high esteem around here. Yes, it is true there is a lot to hate about this time of year, but it can't all be bad. While most of it is bad there are a few things that are at least tolerable.

You get free shit. Yeah, it might sound greedy, but the fact is you get gifts. Might not be what you really want, but you can always return it for some cash. The best of gift are things you want to buy yourself but don't have the cash for, a bottle of good liquor, or some high end electronics. At worst you get cash from returning the item, or get a gift card which is like cash only less useful.

 It is alright to get drunk in front of others. People give you a pass around the holidays if you want to have a few too many drinks. People know depression hits hardest around the holidays and will look the other way if you have a gallon of eggnog or vodka. If you are a holiday drunk no one thinks twice, just as long as you don't let on you are drunk during the rest of the year.

Christmas themed porn. It cums way more than once a year.

So remember, it is not all negativity around here.