Sunday, June 23, 2013

Your Baby Is Only Cute To You.

Why is it when people have a baby they think everyone else gives a shit? We know you are having some "buyer's remorse" about having the kid, but shoving the little freak in everyone face isn't going to make that go away. So keep that thing at home till you can teach it to be quiet and to amuse itself. 

Your baby does nothing but make annoying sounds. Do something to shut the little shit up. Please. It make nothing but high pitched gibberish, and even once it can talk it won't say anything of real value for about 20 to 25 years anyway. Can we put a ball-gag on that kid, or maybe just some duct tape over its mouth? It is like having the world's most annoying pet around when you bring this little bastard around. Also, no one is buying when you try to act like the sounds coming out of it are anything other than ear rape.

The little bastard makes everything it touches sticky. Why must it leave a trail of drool, mucus, and feces everywhere it goes? Can't we put it in to some kind of holding pen to keep it form getting this slime all over everything? Seems like the only reasonable solution to this problem. Or you could put it outside, it might enjoy that.

Your baby is ugly, just like all the other ones. No baby has ever been aesthetically pleasing. It is a fact. They are an odd, squishy little creature. Nothing that it does is pleasant to look at. It always looks like something is very wrong, and there is something wrong, you brought this thing around for us to see. Evolution as made it so this creature that squirmed out of you seems like a delight, that is only a delusion.

Seriously if I had a time machine, I would go back a few months and give you the money you needed for an abortion. Would also use it do that same trick only involving your mother and father. In fact, seems like "Time Travel Abortionist" might be the best idea ever. Might take a toll on the world and its population after a time, but think how much further along stem cell research could be.

Nothing your baby can do is impressive. Great you taught it a trick. Unless it can make money with this trick, no one cares. Right now, all you are doing is adding more reasons for other people to hate this little shit machine. Want to teach it a good trick? Teach it how to fetch beers.

Remember folks, it might be to late to abort, but adoption is still an option. Or you could do a nice murder suicide thing with you, your partner, and your little bastard. Above all, just don't bother anyone else with it.

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