Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs

It is hard to distill the horrid music of Christmas into a list of only five. However, a list any longer would lead to endless ranting no one would want to read. So here are the worst pieces of music associated with the most dysfunctional time of the year. 

5. The Christmas Shoes.

Many people hate on this song. Many people are right to do so. It is doubtful Jesus cares about your footwear, if real, he is wearing sandals, Velcro would blow his mind. I have heard this was turned into a movie, never seen it, but I assume it to be a form of eye torture, much as the song is a from of ear rape.

4. Blue Christmas.

Any version really. The Elvis version is the most common, and while Elvis is the king, this might just be the turd that killed him. There is a rumor that he didn't want to record this song, so he made changes to it, and then did an exaggerated version of his style to make them not use it on the album. No way to know if it is true, but to made a song this grinding on the nerves, one would almost need to have done it intentionally.

3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.

Several problems with this one. First, there is a child singing it, no really just kind of screaming it into the microphone. Secondly, hippos are very violent and ill tempered animals, so if a child is dumb enough to want one they deserve what they get. Sadly, after it mauls the child the parents will still need to clean up the frequent muck-spreads of the hippo. Thirdly, this is just a very lazily written song.

2. I fell out of a Christmas tree.

This song is a lie. No one born on Christmas is happy about it, they are pissed people use it to get out of all the usual birthday things people do. People born on Christmas are bitter, they want a cake, and to not have every gift be "for both". Again, this is screeched out by a child singer, which takes it form a bad song, to one that is painful to listen to.

1. Jingle Bells.

Overplayed. It is a song you hear at least 10,000 times a year in one form or another. Most commonly you hear children screaming it everywhere, but not the whole thing, just the "jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way" part, over and over. If we only heard on the radio, it would be alright, but the high pitched screams of children have ruined this song.


  1. I hate that hippopotamus one the most. Everytime I hear it I want to punch that kid in the throat.

    Also, that hippopotamus would tear the kid to shreds. Those things are the most dangerous animal in all of Africa.

  2. I'm with Dwei. Its about time for the commericals to come back too...

  3. So, on your patence evermore attending, Following!