Complete Honestly.

"Truth is beauty, beauty is truth". A bit of poetry everyone has heard. It is a lie. The truth is almost universally a horrid and distasteful thing that most people want nothing to do with. If you were to be truthful with people, and be completely honest, you would find yourself surrounded by hostile people.

Try some honesty at work. Tell your boss what you really think about their ideas. Tell them you are working just hard enough no to get fired. Let them know that if you get a slightly better offer you are taking without hesitation. Your boss knows that they are worthless, but they hate when other people bring that up. If you really let out your feeling about your work place you would be fired so very fast.

Ever had an honest conversation with your woman (or man)? Your with them because they are the best you can do, or at least you are too lazy to try to do better. You can think of few people you would rather be with, but at this point this person is already here, and it is less work to just put up with their shit. You could tell them about the dozens of thing they do that piss you off, but then there would be a fight and drama. Honesty  leads to breakups. Communication, honest communication at least,  is the greatest enemy of a long lasting relationship.

Honesty doesn't even work when you are alone. Do you know how god awful a moment of honest self reflection is? One where you admit that all the ways your life has gone wrong is your own damn fault, and you stop trying to pass the blame. You realize in such a moment that you hate yourself with the intensity of a thousand suns. This is why you have the person you are with, the discuss you have for them makes you forget about your self hatred. This is why you under achieve at work, because thinking you are better than your job give you an excuse to not reach for more. The worst part is, you find you have become all the things you never wanted to be.

That is what honesty is. It is hideous, and painful to behold. Lies and misdirection are what we have become comfortable with. If we were all honest at once, it would hurt, but after a while it would get better. However, the truth is just another lie.

Losers.

Some people just aren't going to reach sweet success. It could be a lack of drive, or a lack of intelligence, an unfortunate genetic combination, or maybe just bad luck along the way, whatever the case may be some people are just losers. Its alright, there is no shame in it, not everyone can get the best out of life. Of course there are levels of loser. So if you are a loser make the best of it.

Are you an attractive woman with no real skills? Don't have the patience or grace to be a waitress? Why not take up stripping? All you have to do is shake your ass and let strange, lonely, men touch you. You might say it is degrading, but I say it is better than living on the street. You get tips, and with a little luck you can marry an old man and take him for everything he is worth. Keep in mind there is a time limit on how long you can do this ladies.

Now maybe you are a woman not quite attractive enough to take your cloths off for money. That is still no problem. Start a youtube channel where you talk about video games. As long as you are a woman, you will get tons of fanboys watching your videos and clicking your adds. It is a great place for an average looking woman to be treated as queen, despite not having an original thought in her head. You might not be the best looking woman in the world, but you are likely the best looking one that gives a damn about video games.

That is enough about women, lets talk about males losers. Bartender is basically the male version of stripper, as you need not have any real skills to do it, but can make decent cash anyway. You will never need to be awake before 10 am, and you have your choice of women drinking after a breakup to enjoy.  Best part is unlike stripping there is no time limit.

Of course all of these still require a minimal level of motivation. If you really have no drive, you can take up blogging. All you need is an internet connection. Just start one and watch the cash trickle in. You can make up to 20$ a year doing it.

So remember, just because you are a loser doesn't mean there aren't options.

My Comedic Influences.

Time for a more serious entry today. These are the people that most influence my style of humor. All of them dead now, but all of them are still funny today.

Groucho Marx. Real name Julius Marx. He was an early pioneer of improvisation in comedy. He used to his quick wit to become the archetype of the "smart ass". Whenever someone would say anything he had something to say back. It is very telling that he is the only Marx brother to find much in the way of solo success. His genius came at a price, he was married and divorced 3 time, because he couldn't turn off his mouth.

The angry preacher Sam Kinison. Yes, he did start off as a preacher. After his wife left him, he left the life of preaching, and took up comedy. His style while preaching and doing comedy was the same, that is to say very loud and very intense. He wold come on stage high, and work almost completely off the top of his head. In another time and place he would have been called prophet.

George Carlin. This should come as no surprise to regular readers. Carlin is easily the greatest and most influential comedian of the second half of the 20th century. He made a prolific mount of comedy both written and recorded. He took people to the edge of their comfort zones, and then pushed on past them. Nothing to him was scared.

Well that is my top three, not really in any particular order. There are other of course, but they are for a different time. These are my comedy heroes. Some my have died too soon, but all are still as funny today as they were in their prime. If you don't know there material, type their names into youtube.

Easter.

Easter time is here. That time of year where Christians celebrate the death and return of Superman, no wait, that other character... oh yeah, Jesus. There is candy, and rabbits, and eggs. It is a bit like Halloween, but there is only one zombie involved. Every year it has a different date, but somehow always on a Sunday.

The Christians are celebrating the brutal death and mysterious resurrection of their supposed savoir. It would seem that dyeing eggs and eating chocolate are the ways you celebrate that kind of thing. Somewhere a long the way a rabbit got involved, can't find a clear answer for that one. Seem like a more somber celebration would be in order, given what the holiday is based on.

Most holidays are on the same date every year, Christmas is December 25,  Halloween is October 31, but not Easter it changes every year. Sometimes in March, sometimes in April, consistent it is not. The date is base on a different calendar than the modern one. What, is it too much work to make it happen the same day each year? They already round off to the nearest Sunday, so lets go the next step and just make it the same day each year.

They call it Easter, but really it is "Zombie Jesus Day". Death on a Friday, followed by zombie time on Sunday. Where do you think the symbolic flesh eating came from? Well when zombie Jesus came to town it wasn't so symbolic. What, they don't talk about that in the bible? It got edited out over time.

So enjoy your Easter zombie extravaganza. Find some colored eggs, eat some chocolate, and try to guess when you will be doing this all next time. The holiday might not make since, but at least the candy will be marked down on Monday.

Philosophies of Life the Universe and Everything

Now for a few words on philosophy. There are as many philosophies of life as there are people. Some are more useful, workable, or applicable to your situation than others. Philosophies should be fluid and change to fit the realities of your daily life. You know you have one to stick with when you it can be applied to almost any situation.

Is it worth it?  How do you determine rather or not to do something. A simple answer might be, in the long run, "does it bring you money, or does it bring you happiness". Some might replace "happiness" with contentment, but that is unimportant. What is important is that this statement can keep you grounded. Should you ask out that 10, should you apply for that job, should you light fire to your neighbor's lawn. Weigh whatever you are thinking of doing against the standard of "money and/or happiness", it will clear your head, and help you find what you should do. It will lead you to let go of the unimportant, and reach for the best you can do.


Getting revenge is usually at odds with the "money and/or happiness" idea. In the end revenge will usually destroy all parties involved. So if you must get some, follow a few rules. One, make sure it can't be traced back to you. Two, don't do more than get even. Three, don't contact them to gloat. These ideas do take a lot of self-control, but in the end it will work out better if you follow them. It is "eye for an eye" with anonymity, followed by a complete breaking of ties and contact.

Earn it. There are many ways to earn your way. You can work hard, which is the thing most do. You can work smart, which not enough people do. It doesn't matter how, but you need to earn it in some way. Some people steal, and that is fine too. If you planned the theft well enough to get away with it, you earned what you took. It took just as much work to plan and prepare to steal a hundred grand as it would to earn it any other way. This is not an encouragement to commit crime, merely an alternative way of looking at the situation.  Getting away with a crime is the logical extreme of "working smarter", much as starting a business is the extreme of "hard work". It doesn't matter how you earn, as long as you earn.

Sorry there is no real humor this time around. Wanted to be a bit more thoughtful this time around. Would love to hear your philosophies.

More fun with Counterfeit Money.

A while back I mentioned a few things you can do with counterfeit money. It is not a common thing to run across for most people, most people would not realize they had it and just keep passing it on. However if you do know you have some, why not have a little fun?

You can use it to screw with people. The various groups that camp out in front of stores are a good target. The girl scouts are a good group to pass the money on too, and you get some cookies. The salvation army man ringing his bell, well reward his ever annoying noise with some of your newly found counterfeit currency. Someone taking donations for a political cause you don't like, can you think of a better target?  Of course, all of these groups are doing things legally, perhaps it would be better to pass it to someone working illegally.

It is after all illegal to spend counterfeit money; so why not spend it on something illegal to begin with? Got a drug problem, make it less of a problem with funny money. Need some stress relief? Get your fake cash together and find a hooker with big fake tits. If you want to put a hit on someone, think about how you could pay for it. Admittedly, most illegal items would take an unusually large amount of counterfeit money. 

Now if you are not in the mood for fun, you could always turn your counterfeit money into the proper authorities. Not sure why someone would do that, but you could. You didn't make the money, but you can still have fun with it.

Dealing with Hangovers.

We all know St Patrick's day is coming. It is a fun day that you will just barely remember if done right. The down side to the holiday is the morning (or afternoon) the next day. That hangover that hits some harder than others. It is alright, there are ways to deal with a hangover.

Waking up hungover is a horrid experience, but there are very easy steps to deal with it. First, have drink, not a big one, a good shot or a mixed drink depending how much work you want to do. Having more alcohol will get rid of some of the symptoms, but they will return if you don't follow the next step. Now that you have had a little more booze, drink lots of water or better still Gatorade (any non-caffeinated sports drink will do). The hangover is caused mostly by dehydration, so the water or sports drink will hydrate you. Sports drinks are better for a number reasons, one they have some calories your body needs, secondly they give your body back some of salts and other nutrients that likely left your body in some way the night before. Now that you are hydrated have a nice meal with some good protein and you should be ready to face whatever the day has in store for you. That is all you have to do. Vodka is a good choice that first step, and eggs work well for the meal. Keep in mind, too much more alcohol will make things worse.

Now some people would rather avoid the hangover altogether. If you are planning to drink heavily avoiding a hangover is almost impossible. Some are lucky and have the genetics to not be troubled by hangovers, this doesn't help the remainder of the population. You could not drink; but whats the fun in that? You can lessen the effects of hangover by avoiding mixing alcohol and caffeine, and by mixing your booze with fruit juice. The fruit juice method can have its own problems as too much sugar can lead to hangover like effects.

Hope you all have a good time on St Patrick's day. Luckily it is on a Saturday this year, so the hangover won't be as big of a problem. This advice should serve you well for years to come.