Christmas is over and the new year is coming. There is time enough for only one more post this year, and it is a double post of sorts. The first part is a list of the few things that didn't piss me off this year, and the other is a list of things I look forward too in the next year. Sorry for the large amount of lists lately, and sorry for the lack of rage in this post.
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF THIS YEAR
5. Starting this blog.
Finally a place for my insane rants to have a home.
4. Sluts
They are doing the lord's work.
3. The video game industry.
This was a great year in games. I won't bother to list them all, but no matter what you were into there was something great released for you. The only real disappointment was a certain Duke...
2. Conrad Murray.
A pedophile is dead, and that always makes me smile. Not sure why he was on trial, seems like a parade would be more fitting for the public service he rendered.
1. The readers and followers of this blog.
Everyone that takes time to read this. I read every comment posted, and look forward to whatever feedback I get. It means a lot to see anyone reading this, thank you for coming and coming back.
TOP FIVE THINGS I WANT OUT OF NEXT YEAR
5. Break 100 Followers.
Tell your friends.
4. Find a job.
I NEED WORK!
3. New Venture Brothers.
Love that show, but the production time is getting me down.
2. Getting this years games cheap on Steam.
Just need to wait for the Summer Sale...
1. Cash a check from Google.
I think most of the people here share this dream.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs
It is hard to distill the horrid music of Christmas into a list of only five. However, a list any longer would lead to endless ranting no one would want to read. So here are the worst pieces of music associated with the most dysfunctional time of the year.
5. The Christmas Shoes.
Many people hate on this song. Many people are right to do so. It is doubtful Jesus cares about your footwear, if real, he is wearing sandals, Velcro would blow his mind. I have heard this was turned into a movie, never seen it, but I assume it to be a form of eye torture, much as the song is a from of ear rape.
4. Blue Christmas.
Any version really. The Elvis version is the most common, and while Elvis is the king, this might just be the turd that killed him. There is a rumor that he didn't want to record this song, so he made changes to it, and then did an exaggerated version of his style to make them not use it on the album. No way to know if it is true, but to made a song this grinding on the nerves, one would almost need to have done it intentionally.
3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.
Several problems with this one. First, there is a child singing it, no really just kind of screaming it into the microphone. Secondly, hippos are very violent and ill tempered animals, so if a child is dumb enough to want one they deserve what they get. Sadly, after it mauls the child the parents will still need to clean up the frequent muck-spreads of the hippo. Thirdly, this is just a very lazily written song.
2. I fell out of a Christmas tree.
This song is a lie. No one born on Christmas is happy about it, they are pissed people use it to get out of all the usual birthday things people do. People born on Christmas are bitter, they want a cake, and to not have every gift be "for both". Again, this is screeched out by a child singer, which takes it form a bad song, to one that is painful to listen to.
1. Jingle Bells.
Overplayed. It is a song you hear at least 10,000 times a year in one form or another. Most commonly you hear children screaming it everywhere, but not the whole thing, just the "jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way" part, over and over. If we only heard on the radio, it would be alright, but the high pitched screams of children have ruined this song.
5. The Christmas Shoes.
Many people hate on this song. Many people are right to do so. It is doubtful Jesus cares about your footwear, if real, he is wearing sandals, Velcro would blow his mind. I have heard this was turned into a movie, never seen it, but I assume it to be a form of eye torture, much as the song is a from of ear rape.
4. Blue Christmas.
Any version really. The Elvis version is the most common, and while Elvis is the king, this might just be the turd that killed him. There is a rumor that he didn't want to record this song, so he made changes to it, and then did an exaggerated version of his style to make them not use it on the album. No way to know if it is true, but to made a song this grinding on the nerves, one would almost need to have done it intentionally.
3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.
Several problems with this one. First, there is a child singing it, no really just kind of screaming it into the microphone. Secondly, hippos are very violent and ill tempered animals, so if a child is dumb enough to want one they deserve what they get. Sadly, after it mauls the child the parents will still need to clean up the frequent muck-spreads of the hippo. Thirdly, this is just a very lazily written song.
2. I fell out of a Christmas tree.
This song is a lie. No one born on Christmas is happy about it, they are pissed people use it to get out of all the usual birthday things people do. People born on Christmas are bitter, they want a cake, and to not have every gift be "for both". Again, this is screeched out by a child singer, which takes it form a bad song, to one that is painful to listen to.
1. Jingle Bells.
Overplayed. It is a song you hear at least 10,000 times a year in one form or another. Most commonly you hear children screaming it everywhere, but not the whole thing, just the "jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way" part, over and over. If we only heard on the radio, it would be alright, but the high pitched screams of children have ruined this song.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Ideas Vol. 3 Christmas Edition
A few thoughts about the most dysfunctional time of the year.
1. Leave your kids at home.
You are shopping, the store is packed, and everyone is in a hurry. This is all annoying, and bad enough on its own. It is made so much worse by the mobs of children crying, or singing ONE LINE of a Christmas song REPEATEDLY. Just leave them at home, it will make stores infinitely more tolerable.
2. Turn the heat off in stores.
Stores are packed, and each person generates heat. Yes it is cold outside, but when you cram several hundred people in to an enclosed space it heats up fast. People are pissed off enough due to the season, do they need to sweat too?
3. Actually help someone in need.
Give a hobo a twenty. Yeah, he may just get loaded with it, but he will be happy for a few minutes.
1. Leave your kids at home.
You are shopping, the store is packed, and everyone is in a hurry. This is all annoying, and bad enough on its own. It is made so much worse by the mobs of children crying, or singing ONE LINE of a Christmas song REPEATEDLY. Just leave them at home, it will make stores infinitely more tolerable.
2. Turn the heat off in stores.
Stores are packed, and each person generates heat. Yes it is cold outside, but when you cram several hundred people in to an enclosed space it heats up fast. People are pissed off enough due to the season, do they need to sweat too?
3. Actually help someone in need.
Give a hobo a twenty. Yeah, he may just get loaded with it, but he will be happy for a few minutes.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Good things about Christmas.
If you have been reading posts on this blog you have likely caught on to the fact that Christmas is not held in very high esteem around here. Yes, it is true there is a lot to hate about this time of year, but it can't all be bad. While most of it is bad there are a few things that are at least tolerable.
You get free shit. Yeah, it might sound greedy, but the fact is you get gifts. Might not be what you really want, but you can always return it for some cash. The best of gift are things you want to buy yourself but don't have the cash for, a bottle of good liquor, or some high end electronics. At worst you get cash from returning the item, or get a gift card which is like cash only less useful.
It is alright to get drunk in front of others. People give you a pass around the holidays if you want to have a few too many drinks. People know depression hits hardest around the holidays and will look the other way if you have a gallon of eggnog or vodka. If you are a holiday drunk no one thinks twice, just as long as you don't let on you are drunk during the rest of the year.
Christmas themed porn. It cums way more than once a year.
So remember, it is not all negativity around here.
You get free shit. Yeah, it might sound greedy, but the fact is you get gifts. Might not be what you really want, but you can always return it for some cash. The best of gift are things you want to buy yourself but don't have the cash for, a bottle of good liquor, or some high end electronics. At worst you get cash from returning the item, or get a gift card which is like cash only less useful.
It is alright to get drunk in front of others. People give you a pass around the holidays if you want to have a few too many drinks. People know depression hits hardest around the holidays and will look the other way if you have a gallon of eggnog or vodka. If you are a holiday drunk no one thinks twice, just as long as you don't let on you are drunk during the rest of the year.
Christmas themed porn. It cums way more than once a year.
So remember, it is not all negativity around here.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas.
It is time again for an honest holiday song. A song that is a little more honest about this time of year. This one is about Christmas, and all the yells it brings.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the five year old screaming once again
With lists of demands and greed in eyes aglow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Violence in every store
But the worst sound to hear is the hate that will be
Inside your own front door.
A pair of vodka tonics and a pistol that shoots
Will help Barney deal with Ben;
An abortion and fake tits,
Is the hope of boyfriend and Jen;
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand and fill with hatred again.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
This time of year is hell, the mall Santa is drunk as well,
The hookers take the stress with a kindly blow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas;
Soon the fighting starts,
And the thing that will make you run is the family that you hate
Deep within your being.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the five year old screaming once again
With lists of demands and greed in eyes aglow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Violence in every store
But the worst sound to hear is the hate that will be
Inside your own front door.
A pair of vodka tonics and a pistol that shoots
Will help Barney deal with Ben;
An abortion and fake tits,
Is the hope of boyfriend and Jen;
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand and fill with hatred again.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
This time of year is hell, the mall Santa is drunk as well,
The hookers take the stress with a kindly blow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas;
Soon the fighting starts,
And the thing that will make you run is the family that you hate
Deep within your being.
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