Wednesday, December 28, 2011

End of the Year.

Christmas is over and the new year is coming. There is time enough for only one more post this year, and it is a double post of sorts. The first part is a list of the few things that didn't piss me off this year, and the other is a list of things I look forward too in the next year. Sorry for the large amount of lists lately, and sorry for the lack of rage in this post.


TOP FIVE THINGS THAT DIDN'T PISS ME OFF THIS YEAR

5. Starting this blog.

Finally a place for my insane rants to have a home.

4. Sluts

They are doing the lord's work.

3. The video game industry.

This was a great year in games. I won't bother to list them all, but no matter what you were into there was something great released for you. The only real disappointment was a certain Duke...

2. Conrad Murray.

A pedophile is dead, and that always makes me smile. Not sure  why he was on trial, seems like a parade would be more fitting for the public service he rendered.

1. The readers and followers of this blog.

Everyone that takes time to read this. I read every comment posted, and look forward to whatever feedback I get. It means a lot to see anyone reading this, thank you for coming and coming back.

TOP FIVE THINGS I WANT OUT OF NEXT YEAR

5. Break 100 Followers.

Tell your friends.

4. Find a job.

I NEED WORK!

3. New Venture Brothers.

Love that show, but the production time is getting me down.

2. Getting this years games cheap on Steam.

Just need to wait for the Summer Sale...

1. Cash a check from Google.

I think most of the people here share this dream.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs

It is hard to distill the horrid music of Christmas into a list of only five. However, a list any longer would lead to endless ranting no one would want to read. So here are the worst pieces of music associated with the most dysfunctional time of the year. 

5. The Christmas Shoes.

Many people hate on this song. Many people are right to do so. It is doubtful Jesus cares about your footwear, if real, he is wearing sandals, Velcro would blow his mind. I have heard this was turned into a movie, never seen it, but I assume it to be a form of eye torture, much as the song is a from of ear rape.

4. Blue Christmas.

Any version really. The Elvis version is the most common, and while Elvis is the king, this might just be the turd that killed him. There is a rumor that he didn't want to record this song, so he made changes to it, and then did an exaggerated version of his style to make them not use it on the album. No way to know if it is true, but to made a song this grinding on the nerves, one would almost need to have done it intentionally.

3. I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas.

Several problems with this one. First, there is a child singing it, no really just kind of screaming it into the microphone. Secondly, hippos are very violent and ill tempered animals, so if a child is dumb enough to want one they deserve what they get. Sadly, after it mauls the child the parents will still need to clean up the frequent muck-spreads of the hippo. Thirdly, this is just a very lazily written song.

2. I fell out of a Christmas tree.

This song is a lie. No one born on Christmas is happy about it, they are pissed people use it to get out of all the usual birthday things people do. People born on Christmas are bitter, they want a cake, and to not have every gift be "for both". Again, this is screeched out by a child singer, which takes it form a bad song, to one that is painful to listen to.

1. Jingle Bells.

Overplayed. It is a song you hear at least 10,000 times a year in one form or another. Most commonly you hear children screaming it everywhere, but not the whole thing, just the "jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way" part, over and over. If we only heard on the radio, it would be alright, but the high pitched screams of children have ruined this song.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Ideas Vol. 3 Christmas Edition

A few thoughts about the most dysfunctional time of the year.

1. Leave your kids at home.

You are shopping, the store is packed, and everyone is in a hurry. This is all annoying, and bad enough on its own. It is made so much worse by the mobs of children crying, or singing ONE LINE of a Christmas song REPEATEDLY. Just leave them at home, it will make stores infinitely more tolerable. 

2. Turn the heat off in stores.

Stores are packed, and each person generates heat. Yes it is cold outside, but when you cram several hundred people in to an enclosed space it heats up fast. People are pissed off enough due to the season, do they need to sweat too?

3. Actually help someone in need.

Give a hobo a twenty. Yeah, he may just get loaded with it, but he will be happy for a few minutes.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Good things about Christmas.

If you have been reading posts on this blog you have likely caught on to the fact that Christmas is not held in very high esteem around here. Yes, it is true there is a lot to hate about this time of year, but it can't all be bad. While most of it is bad there are a few things that are at least tolerable.

You get free shit. Yeah, it might sound greedy, but the fact is you get gifts. Might not be what you really want, but you can always return it for some cash. The best of gift are things you want to buy yourself but don't have the cash for, a bottle of good liquor, or some high end electronics. At worst you get cash from returning the item, or get a gift card which is like cash only less useful.

 It is alright to get drunk in front of others. People give you a pass around the holidays if you want to have a few too many drinks. People know depression hits hardest around the holidays and will look the other way if you have a gallon of eggnog or vodka. If you are a holiday drunk no one thinks twice, just as long as you don't let on you are drunk during the rest of the year.

Christmas themed porn. It cums way more than once a year.

So remember, it is not all negativity around here.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas.

It is time again for an honest holiday song. A song that is a little more honest about this time of year. This one is about Christmas, and all the yells it brings.


It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
Take a look in the five year old screaming once again
With lists of demands and greed in eyes aglow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Violence in every store
But the worst sound to hear is the hate that will be
Inside your own front door.

A pair of vodka tonics and a pistol that shoots
Will help Barney deal with Ben;
An abortion and fake tits,
Is the hope of boyfriend and Jen;
And Mom and Dad can hardly stand and fill with hatred again.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go;
This time of year is hell, the mall Santa is drunk as well,
The hookers take the stress with a kindly blow.
It's beginning to sound a lot like Christmas;
Soon the fighting starts,
And the thing that will make you run is the family that you hate
Deep within your being.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Black Friday.

It is that time of year when normally reasonable people spend hours to get 20$ off a bottom of the line television. It is a day retail employs hate, and only the dumbest of consumers enjoy. This day once signaled the start of the "Christmas season", now is seems to be right in the middle of this horrid time of year. Black Friday gets a little worse each year.

People think they will get good deals, but they don't. First, the deal are on items that are by and large not that good. Second there is the time spent to get the item. Time has a value, this value is different for each person. Rather than standing in line that time could be better spent doing almost anything thing else. The time wasted in line could be spent making money, sleeping, enjoying a meal, masturbating, with your other half, etc. By the time you have spend 3 (or more) hours in line, the money you might be saving is no longer worth it. So, if you need a deal wait till a sale next year, no waiting in line, and it will be a better model than the factory rejects that they sell only on Black Friday.

Black Friday, no day is more hated by retail employees. It starts earlier than any other work day, and the costumers are in a worse mood and much dumber than the average.  In the first half hour of the day, all the advertised deal are gone. So the remaining time in the day is spent hearing "What do you mean sold out?! When will you get more?!", the answer is never as the stuff on sale are promotional items that aren't normally carried. Then come the demands to see a manager, all of whom are hiding in the back, and won't come out for anything short of a fire. All of this ends with the store looking like looters have raided it, and it will remain in this state till sometime in the middle of January.

Every year Black Friday gets a little worse. The first was sometime in the 60's (so says Wikipedia), and slowly it has grown in to the hell on earth it is today. With each year store advertise a little more, and open a little earlier, 7am, 6am, 5am, 4am. The line wraps around the store a little more, and the shoppers come a bit earlier. This year it has gotten to a very sad point, Black Friday actually started at 10pm on Thursday at Wal-Mart. So where does it go next year? Do we go to 9pm Thursday? Will we eventually get to Black Friday starting on Wednesday?

We must stop this horrid event. Stay home, eat leftovers, read, play video games, watch porn, or plan the downfall of your enemies, just don't go shopping. Together we can bring sanity back.

Friday, November 18, 2011

The most Dysfunctional Time of the Year.

With the holidays upon us, I thought it was time for an honest song about the holidays.  

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
With the kids loudly yelling
And everyone telling you "Fuck this time of year"
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
It's the crap-crappiest season of all
With the holiday drinking and mad family beatings
When friends come to call
It's the crap-crappiest season of all

There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know,  you wish to go

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year

There'll be parties for roasting
Jack Daniels for toasting
And passing out in the snow
There'll be scary old people
And tales of the relations you
Don't really know,  you wish to go

It's the most dysfunctional time of the year
There'll be much family beating
And blood will be flowing
When "loved" ones are near
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time
It's the most dysfunctional time of the year

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Thanksgiving.

There is a holiday between the greatness of Halloween and the horrors of Christmas that seems to get smaller every year. That holiday is Thanksgiving. It is admittedly a waste of a good Thursday where you choke down a bad meal while putting up with people you can't stand. However Thanksgiving used to serve a purpose, that was to hold back all the overwhelming bullshit that comes with Christmas. 

Once upon a time November was all about Thanksgiving. None of the stink of Christmas was on the month at all. Everything in the month was about the long weekend, and bad meal, that everyone had to look forward too. No Christmas movies were on TV during November, nor did you ever hear a Christmas song on the radio or played in a store. It was a time that was a buffer between the best and the worst holiday. The month helped you shift your gears. Not so much anymore.

Now Thanksgiving is almost forgotten. Starting November 1st the "Christmas season" is on, and its volume is turned to 11. Blaring Christmas music is in every store, and every channel play increasingly worse movies about Christmas. Thanksgiving was never a great holiday, but it was a nice calm before the storm.

Sadly, there is nothing to be done. Thanksgiving sucks, and no one seems to miss it, not that there was all that much to miss.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Children's Stories.

When you read a children's story as an adult one of two things can happen. One, you find out that it was a quality work of fiction that worked on more than one level and give you something new as an adult rereading it for the first time since childhood. Story like that are rare, but worth while if you find them. The second option is for the the story to be poorly written with an either poor or just bizarre moral lesson. We are here to talk about the second kind of stories.

"Green Eggs and Ham" is a classic Dr Seuss story that nearly everyone knows. However, when reading it as an adult you find it has a bad message. The message is that if you harass someone long enough they will give in and do whatever you want. This is not a good message for children, if it were to sink in just imagine how they would annoy you for ever little thing. It makes one wonder if this is the strategy Dr Seuss used to make his woman do certain things.

Longer stories can be just as bad. "Matilda" by Roald Dahl is a story about an abused, but highly intelligent, little girl and her struggles in childhood. Rather than show a realistic way for her to deal with her problems, we get a fantasy. It teaches you that all your problems will solve themselves, and you will get super powers for your troubles. Problems don't solve themselves, and no one has ever had super powers given to them through neglect (or at all for that matter).

The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein is another fine example of a story with a lesson children should not learn. It teaches a fine lesson about finding someone with no self-esteem to take advantage of repeatedly. The boy in the story never get punished for his leeching ways, and no one should be taken advantage of to the extreme that happens in the story. Now if the tree would of fallen on the boy when he chopped the tree down for lumber, that would of been a good lesson for kids. In that situation kids would of learned everyone has a breaking point.

There are many children's stories that have good messages for kid, and that can be enjoyed by adults. Sadly, the bad ones seem to be far more common.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Job Interview Questions.

We all need to work. To get work, we all need to endure overly long applications, and interviews. An interview is someone trying to size you up, see if they think you will work well in there company, and accomplish whatever it is they are trying for. Sadly, there are certain question asked at an interview for which there is no right answer.

One question that always seems to come up is "Why are you interested in working here?" or some variation on that. You can't answer honestly and say "I need the money", or "Because I want my power and Internet turned back on". Instead you need to bullshit out an answer about how you care about whatever it is the company does. The sad part is if you were to be honest you would never be hired.

Another question that has no real answer is "Where do you see yourself in (insert number) years from now?", as if it you have some grand and detailed plan. Again, honesty will lead to you not getting the position. If you said "Hopefully in a position where I never have to deal with a gentleman like yourself again", or "High enough above you in this company to fire you and blacklist you in this industry". So you need to give a completely made up answer where you  seem ambitious, but not enough to be a threat to the interviewer or the company on question.

The real problem is that you can't really be honest with the interviewer. No one is really excited to start work anywhere. You are working to get money. It doesn't matter if you work for Microsoft or McDonald's, you are there for the pay check. The interview process is about you feigning excitement and motivation about the company in question. You get a job by lying, you keep it by not putting a bullet in your head, you advance by sucking just slightly less than the people around you.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Group Dynamics.

In all groups of people there are certain dynamics that take place. Depending on what type of group certain types of people will always exist within them. While each group will vary somewhat, but so long as there are three or more people certain dynamics are in play.

In a group of men there will at the very least be three people in play. There will be the dumb guy, he may not be generally dumb, he is just not at quick as the others. The dumb one is slow with comebacks, and might not be the best at arguing a point.  Next we have the wimpy dude, he avoid confrontation at all costs, and has no opinions of his own. The wimp is in the group mainly because he needs somewhere to get his opinions from, and to have people to help him move heavy things he is to weak to move himself. The third man is the lazy man, never awake before noon, never to be relied on for anything. The lazy man is usually an expert on some area of useless information, and makes others feel better for being more motivated. These three are the most basic members of a male group. Larger groups will add more, like the driver, the fat guy, and the guy that everyone wonders why they are friends with.


Female groups also have their stock characters. In a group of women you will find: an "ugly" one, a "pretty" one, and a "bitchy" one. All of these terms are in quotes because they are very relative terms. The "ugly" girl is just less attractive than the others,  in a group of 10s she might be an 8, while and 8 is still attractive it is not as good as 10. Same applies to the "pretty" one, every one else is a 7, she is an 8, you get the point. Now the "bitch" is just the one that is generally hostile to those not in the group, she might be nice to others in the group, but if you are an outsider, or a man she simple doesn't like, watch out. Larger groups will also have: eating disorder girl (either to fat or to thin), tomboy, crazy chick, and everyone's favorite the easy chick.


Keep in mind one person might fill two roles within the group. You might have the a guy that is both the dumb guy, and the wimpy guy. No terms are necessarily a put down, sometimes the dumb guy is the leader of a group. Remember, you think your group doesn't have a certain member, it is likely you are that member.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Two Groups that MUST go.

This is some thoughts on two groups of people. I mean no harm to anyone.

Bicycle riders on major streets. They need to find a bike trail, or it needs to be made legal to run these people over. They need to take there silly outfits, and smug attitudes, and get off the main streets. They aren't going anywhere, they just want others to see them exercising. It is pretentious exhibitionist bullshit. I would wish cancer on them, but then they might morph into the next group.

People that need to let you know what is wrong with them entirely too much. You might be sick, and that is sad, but don't bring it up for no reason. Once upon a time I worked at a big retail store, and there was a customer that had "brain cancer". I know she had "brain cancer", because when she was in the store every thing she said was prefixed with "Excuse me, I have brain cancer, and...", and when helping her, she would mention it 400 more times. It is sad she had cancer, but after talking to her, everyone I worked with agreed it wasn't killing her fast enough. If you are dieing, keep it just a little closer to the chest.

Thanks for reading today.  If you ride a bike on a major street because you lack a car, that is cool, and I bare no malice toward you. If you have cancer, I am sorry, just don't bring it up in every conversation.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Terms of Insult.

The language in this post might put some people off. Consider yourself warned.

There are some terms that are used as insults that need to be either defined, or perhaps redefined. There is a line between terms used to show disapproval, versus terms that show a lack of respect. Not all insults are equal, there exists levels. Some are situational, some are universal. But lets be honest, all are great fun when used right.

"Asshole" is one we hear a lot. This one is used so much, and is so descriptive of so many, that it has lost all impact. In fact "asshole' is practically interchangeable with "person". While true that not all people are deserving of the title of "asshole", at the bare minimum 997 out of 1000 are. Man, woman, or other, the term "asshole" has lost all bite.

Now to talk about terms for women. "Bitch" is one that comes out when someone is mad at a women, you might disapprove, but generally there is still some measure of respect. "Cunt" on the other hand shows that you have lost all respect for the woman in question. Your boss might be a "bitch", but the girlfriend that cheated on you is a "cunt". No offense intended to any lady reader I might have.

"Bastard" and "douche bag" work for men about like "bitch" and "cunt" do for women. While "bastard" did once held meaning referring to children of unmarried couples, that use has fallen almost completely into disuse. "Douche bag" (often shortened to "douche") is an ironic insult, as it is an item that literally cleans vagina. However, when a man is a "douche" he is getting no where near any vagina.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Media Formats.

Over the years there have been many formats for music, movies, and games. Every few years a new format comes out, and people begin to get things they already have have copies of, but in the new format. This has happened with vinyl records giving way to cassette, and later cassette to compact disk. Today we see people do this with Blu-ray copies of moves to replace DVD copies.

While DVDs replaced VHS, they offered more than just the movie. A DVD gave you many special feature, with deleted scenes, commentary tracks, and so forth, things a VHS could never offer. Blu-ray is now replacing DVD, but other than a better resolution doesn't give much more. While a Blu-ray is great for a new movie shot in high definition, what is gained for an old movie? Does "The Godfather" get better with resolution, doubtful, or does a Saturday Night Live movie get any less shitty with resolution, also doubtful.

When the CD replaced cassette the CD offered better sound, and was in someways more durable. That is how a format change should happen, there should be a clear advantage for switching over.  Today we seem to embrace change for the sake of change. A better resolution image is great, but is it really enough reason to buy something you had on DVD?

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Halloween is coming.

Halloween is the only good holiday. It is the only holiday that doesn't involve large amounts of bullshit. Sadly however, it seems to be on the decline in resent years.

Halloween is great because of all the things you don't have to do. No gifts to buy, no bad meal to choke down, no family you hate anyway, no grand display of affection, no annoying false patriotism. While being a holiday, it shares in none of the worst parts that other holidays have. No one ever gets suicidal on Halloween, unlike some other holidays that could be named.

What Halloween does have is simple: candy, costumes, and Satan. Who doesn't love candy? Who doesn't think a costume one day out of the year could be fun? There is no Satan involved really, we just barrow some of his style for the holiday. It is a holiday without an ulterior motive.

Halloween is about fun, only holiday you can say that about. Christmas is about greed. Thanksgiving is about gluttony. Valentines is about lust.  Halloween is just a good time, with some candy, and a bit of dress up. Shame that it seems to get smaller every year.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Reality TV.

I know it has been here for at least 10 years, but I still hate both the concept and execution of reality television. I know why it stay around, it costs very little to produce, and gets a decent number of viewers. However, it is not real, it is made to seem more than it is. It is not all the same, it comes in a few flavors, but all of them are equally exaggerated through editing and other tricks.

The many forms of reality television all are base around the idea that people love to see others do embarrassing things. It can be a washed up celebrity being follow around, or a someone that can't sing, or a man yelling at the owners of business, a group of spoiled bitchy people and their lives, and many other equally intellectually void forms, shapes, and flavors. All of them based on embarrassment, shame, and spectacle of how people can really be this blind to what is really happening.

Disgusting as I find it all, I see that is does make money. So here are a few ideas of my own for the reality television producers:

1. Russian Roulette with the "Stars". We take the lowest tier celebrities, and whichever survives the game gets a 3 picture deal to try and raise their falling stardom.

2. Blind and Deaf on a minefield. This needs no explanation.

3. Who wants to be seen as a douche bag for the rest of their life? This is really what all of it boils down to.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Ideas Vol. 2

Some more thoughts that don't quite deserve there own blog post.

1.  A practical application for an iPad.

It seems like someone should think of one. Most of what they do can be done on a cell phone, so what is the point? Yes the screen is bigger, but it is also more to carry, and it is very delicate. So I would just like something it can do that is a new trick.

2. Honesty about Honesty

We always hear about how lies will get you in to trouble, however honesty will get you in to just as much. Honesty and lies are both needed to get by. Perfect honesty will drive people away from you as most can't handle it. Constant lies will drive others from you as you will get caught in them. Getting along with others is a matter of balancing truths and lies.

3. Question Everything

Whenever your told something, question it. You will say yourself a lot of problems in the long run, if you just take the time to evaluate what you are told. If this idea is new to you, question it.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The "Indy" Scene.

Every major form of media has a "mainstream" and an "independent" offshoot. Both are fine options, more produce 10% greatness, 10% shit, and 80% somewhere in the middle. This refers to movies, music, books, and most recently video games. The fact that there exists two levels is a good thing, a good "independent" work will go on to influence the "mainstream".  It is a nice little system.

This is all well and good, but what isn't good are the pretentious fans of "independent" works that will tell you how anything in the "indy scene" will blow away anything that is "mainstream". These people will brag that they have never seen/read/played whatever is popular, or critically acclaimed, because a major publisher/studio is behind it. They think their love of the "indy scene" makes them intellectually, and possibly morally superior to all lesser people that just enjoy media and don't get care where it might come from. All of these pretentious people need at least a good slap in the face, or most feed into a giant wood-chipper.

Love of the "independent" doesn't mean you have better taste, or are a better person. The "indy scene" is just like the "mainstream", 10% gold, 10% shit. Every "Reservoir Dogs" is balanced by something like "The Room". So can't we all just enjoy what is good, regardless of where it came from?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

People we could do without.

There exist different types of people we could do without. This is not about race, or sex, or anything so superficial. These are people no one would miss, annoyances, and wasters of time, and overall useless people. You might know a few, in fact that is almost certain, however without them your life will be better.

1. Fanboys. It doesn't matter what they are into, they think it is a subject on which the world turns, when in reality no one but them (and some forum friends) care about. They come in all shapes and sizes, can be women with a wet spot for reality TV, men that spend all day talking about there favorite sports team, nerds talking about their other life in a MMO, or any number of other things. The common factor is they have allowed the unimportant to take over their lives, and are upset you don't value it as they do.

2. People that "hangout" at work on their day off. It is your day off, why are you here? Do you hate yourself that much? Do you not get enough of this place in the 40 hours you are here already? If you work at a retail store, you get a pass if you NEED something sold there. If you don't have business there, you should never show up other than when you are getting paid.

3. The people that leave stuff on your windshield while you are in a store. Has anything they left on your car ever helped you in anyway? Ever started driving with it on your windshield, it blows off, and a cop pulls you over? There is a similar guy that leaves business cards in your car window, they need to go too.

4. Conspiracy theorists. Sorry, it just isn't as complicated, or secret as you think it is.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Things that aren't news.

News reporters go on about certain topics and people that have no real business being material for the news. They are things that don't really effect the world, or the audience personally, so therefore have no need to be reported on.  If we could eliminate these topics from the news, I think it would improve the minds of millions.
   
1. Sarah Palin. I know she directs her  bus tour to go where ever real news is happening. That doesn't make what she is doing news. In fact unless she has signed a contract with Naughty America, nothing she could be doing is worth national attention. 

2. Conrad Murray, the guy on trial for killing Michael Jackson. I don't know if he is guilty, nor do I care. If he is guilty, all he did was kill a pedophile, and that seems more like a public service than a crime. If he did it, we should give him a parade and move on.

3. The Kardashian family. What is it these people do? I have yet to get an answer to this. It seems to be spoiled bitchy women that try to be the center of attention. Why are we validating this behavior?

4. Anything to do with reality TV and the "stars" there of. If we all stop watching they will go away. We need to work together on this.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Wish I had some of these.


Sorry this isn't my usual post. I found this picture, and assuming it is real, this is the greatest tie-in product ever. I don't know if these are real, or just a fan creation, but damn are they cool. If anyone knows if these are real, please do tell.

I will have something more in line with my usual later this week.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Counterfeit Money.

Every so often you find yourself in possession of fake money. Counterfeit bills that have no real value, but you got them as change, or found them on the ground, doesn't really matter how you got them as now you need to get rid of them. Now even if your money is fake, you should still get something for it.

One good place to take your bad money is charity. Teach a lesson to the man asking for donations outside of the store, just imagine him explaining this to his boss. Church collection plates are another fine opinion, and give you the opportunity to exchange your problem for actual money. Put that fake ten in the plate, and reach in and grab a two fives as "change". The church isn't selling a real product, why should they get real money? The best part of the charity option is you can write it off on your taxes.

Another good option is to spend it. Now you can't do this at any retailer, you need to find a small street vender, or any place with bad lighting. The man selling hot dogs on the street isn't going to check. A stripper doesn't have time to check every bill that is placed in her thong. Kids with a lemonade stand have never even heard of counterfeit money. Have a bad waiter? I got a great way to leave them a tip.

It might be fake, but it is your money. You didn't create it, you just stumbled across it. You could do the right thing and destroy it, or you could have a little fun.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Children in stores.

It doesn't matter where you go. Everywhere large amounts of screaming children can be found. The parents seem either unwilling, or worse, unable to do anything about their little bastards. The children in and of themselves do not offend me, it is the excessive amount of noise they generate that gets to me. We are not talking about babies here, we are talking about ones old enough to know better. Something must be done.

The parents should be silencing their children, or at least teaching them not to scream at all times. Electric collars would be a nice way to keep them quiet, few thousand volts every time they get past a certain level of sound. After 4 of 5 shocks, they would not be screaming anymore. Or a good well timed slap would serve just as well, but it would need to be while the child is making the noise, or the child may not understand why it is getting slapped. In general a parent could do much to prevent the noise.

If the parents are unwilling to take discipline in to their hands (in which case they should have their children taken away, but that is another blog) then the other people at the store should be allowed to fill the role of disciplinarian. Low power cattle prods could be carried into store to keep loud and annoying children inline. The stores could have the security guards roam the isles with duct tape, a few layers of that would teach a child a valuable lesson. If these methods fail, we could train large dogs to attack anything making to much noise, sure some kids might not make it, but is that to much to pay for a quiet shopping experience.

In the end, we just need to make children understand screams are for seriously bad things, not everyday. However, if they must scream, why not give them a reason?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Strippers.

Strippers, those wonderful not quite whores that entertain and empty the pockets of men. They dance, they grind, and usually will have sex for money. They have success as long as there exists a few men that still find them attractive and aren't bothered by the obvious sign of early in life abuse, and the crazy baggage that comes with it all. So here are a few thoughts on strippers.

The best looking strippers are found from 7pm to 2am, on Friday, Saturday, and sometimes Sunday. The further you get from these times the less attractive the women will generally be. On a Tuesday or Wednesday morning you would be lucky to see a woman without a cesarean scar; hell you might see women with fake limps to go along with the fake tits.

You can have some fun with strippers, other than the obvious. Want to clear them out of the club? Just yell "Whoever has the kid locked in the car. They found your stash", they will clear out at speeds you wouldn't believe. Strippers are also a great way to get rid of any counterfeit money you might have come across.

Remember, strippers aren't really in to you. Also, if you have fallen for a stripper, you can do better.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Time Travel Abortionist.

Traveling through the depths of time to solve the problems of the past with a vacuum. He has a time machine, and a MD, and he is out to make the future better by improving history. His work has help already, if you thought Hitler was bad, you should of seen what happened with is older bother in charge. You say Hitler didn't have an older bother? Well your right, at least not any more.

The aborted fetuses are not killed, they are kept in suspended animation in case they removal didn't have the desired effect. Sometimes the problem you want to prevent is replaced with a far worse problem. If you have the fetus on hand, you can re-implant the mother and set time back to the way it was. It can be messy, and sometimes the fetuses can get mixed up, that can lead to all kinds of new problems.

If the abortion does change the timeline for the better it is then used for stem cell research.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The right response.

There are many questions that lead to long conversations. There are ways to avoid this. It is all of matter of having the right response ready. With the right response many conversations can be completely avoided.


At jury duty: "How do you feel about drunk driving number 8?" to which you say "Well it got me here this morning.", and you are then dismissed.

Don't want to deal with the guy selling cable service in a store? Try this: "Excuse me sir, what cable service do you have?" reply "Whatever I am stealing from the neighbor". That cuts those annoying salesmen off quick.

The people with petitions outside of stores don't take no for answer. However: "Will you sign this? What city are you from" the reply "I am here illegally". Leaves them speechless.


Just remember, you don't know these people. You will never see them again. So you an do as you like, and never need worry.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Public Executions.

Lets start having some fun with executions. Why does it have to be so serious, with just a few family members and relations of victims? We should be broadcasting them. We should be doing better than an electric chair, lethal injection, or even firing squad. What we need is to make them into money making media events.

First we need to make the audience much bigger. Lets sell ticket, and make it a pay per view event. Rather than a small room looking in at the soon to be dead man, we should have a grand colosseum with a jumbotron so can see all that happens in glorious high definition. Of course things would need to be a bit more interesting than what we have today.

Imagine if you will, a man being beheaded on top of a giant roulette wheel. Then imagine all the people betting on where the man's head will land. Or we could have a machine that randomly selects how the man will die, there again allowing for gambling to take place. Could line up a dozen executions for one day, so as to get a few hours of entertainment.

However, a man about to die should have a chance to get out of it, so how about a death maze? Lined with traps, and other dangers, but with a slim chance that the man may survive and win his life and freedom. The maze could have several prisoners inside, with the understanding that only one can make it out alive. A maze of death, and only the  first to the exit gets to live.

Such things could make our prison system turn a profit. It could help the economy.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Drunk Driving.

Sometimes it is the only way to get your car back to your home. If you leave the car in the bar parking lot, it will be towed. So you can either drive it, or pay a massive impound fee. It  might sound bad, but honestly who else is on the street at 2am? You are only a risk too yourself, and other drunk drivers. Yes, if you get pulled over you risk a DUI, but a chance of a DUI is better than definite impound fee.

Yeah, every so often a family might get hit, but really all that means is fewer children screaming in restaurants, and really that is something we can all enjoy. Also, who are these people driving around at night with there children? I submit to you they are overwhelmed parents looking for a way out. Drunk drivers are just the tool they chose to use, like a much lazier version of "suicide by cop".

Also, there is something worse than drunk driving, it is driving while an asshole.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tired of Casey Anthony.

She got off. Why the hell is she still in the news? Does anyone care? Well yes, women care for some reason, at least women with children. They only care because it makes them feel better about themselves.

Casey Anthony is a an attractive woman that is also completely insane, not exactly a new combination. Trial is over, can we please stop acting like anything about her is news. Can we stop with the attention, at least till the Lifetime movie about her comes out in 6 months, or until the ghostwritten book comes out in a few weeks. You know they are coming.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Movie Ideas.

Just some thoughts on movies that likely haven't been made yet.

1. A zombie movie staring a necrophiliac. How would a necrophiliac feel about the undead? They like their partners dead, but what about undead? It shocks me that we haven't seen a zombie chained up for some sex at some point. Seems like this situation would have to come up in such a world.

2. A romantic comedy that is actually funny.Or that is a honest look at "romance".

3. A movie where someone comes back to the town they hated and couldn't wait to leave in there youth, and they still hate it when they come back later in life. Better still, what if it seemed even worse after all the years had past? Most things don't get better with age.

4.  An accurate history epic. Show us how it really was, not the white wash that we want to see. 

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Opinions that seems to piss people off.

These are just somethings that I have said at various times that seems to really get people going. These are all honest opinions. None of them alone really deserve a blog all about them. Enjoy.

1. "Inception" was an average heist movie with some fancy dressing around it. Not a bad movie, just not a great one either.

2. If you don't question what you are told, you are already dead.

3. Morality is just a very large gray area.

4. "Final Fantasy 7" is a weak entry in the series.

5. "Citizen Kane" is overrated. Don't get me wrong, it is a great film. However, it is not the greatest ever made.

6. We do to much to protect the stupid.

That is enough for now. There is a lot more. Sorry for the light post.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Making Sports more interesting,

I am not a fan of sports. To be honest I find them to be boring. However, there are a few things that could be done to make any sport more entertaining to watch.

First thing every sport needs is mandatory steroid injections. Bigger player, with more aggression, the kind of aggression that wold lead to much violence and injuries on the field. In rare cases players of any game might get worked up enough to kill one another. Imagine placing a bet on which player will lose control next, and take out a few members of the team. This could help any sport, and would equal a much high entertainment value overall.

Now some things would help one sport but not another. Baseball is by far the least entertaining sport to watch. The solution to this problem  is easy, one in every 50 balls will actually be a high explosive set-off by impact. Just think, the windup, and the pitch, and then BOOM. Sure the players would be risking death, but they would finally have a reason for their much inflated salaries.

Soccer is a sport no one in the US cares about, and mostly enjoyed by the other parts of this world. The field is what need changed. The game would now be played on a platform, the platform would be the same as a soccer field is now, however under the platform the is a pit of fire and spikes. So at random times and locations during the game the upper platform opens trap doors and if we are lucky some one falls in. Now that would make US give a shit about soccer.

A few other thoughts. Football, release rabid animals on the field every few plays. MMA, give them knives.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Ideas Vol. 1

This is just a list of things that don't need there own entry.

1. A section for people without children at restaurants.

You go into a restaurant to enjoy a meal, your food arrives just a the kid at the next table starts to scream. The parents do nothing about it. So I why not have a a "No Child" section, just as there was once a  "No Smoking" section. Never again will your meal be ruined by some loud little bastard. However, the waiters/waitresses working in the "With Children" section should get some hazard pay.

2. A coffee house that serves beer.

No not just a bar. This is a place for all the people dragged along to coffee horses that don't actually like to drink coffee. So while everyone else has their caffeine fix, you can enjoy your favorite beer.  I imagine there would be some friction at first between the coffee drinkers and beer drinkers, but at the end of the day mutual hate of wine drinkers would lead to peace.

3.  Remove the stigma around being an asshole.

At the very least 19 our of 20 people are assholes. So why is it still an insult? When asshole is  the norm, we either need to redefine the term, or just use it to refer to all people. Seriously, after a moment of honest reflection, can you name one person that isn't an asshole? I didn't think so.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Fixing the Economy.

As you are no doubt aware the US economy is not so great at the moment. It will get better with time, might be a lot of time, but sooner or later it will rebound. I have a few ideas that could and would speed up our fine countries economic recovery. First we need to find some new sources of tax revenue. Perhaps decriminalize a few victimless crimes, and then of course slap some taxes on them. 

It is time for the only tax free business to pay up. Churches have had a free ride for far to long, let start with some low taxes on all religious institutions. Churches try to sway the way their followers vote, if they want a say in the working of this country then they can pay like everyone else. Christians, Jews, Muslims, and any and all other, need to start paying for there "holy men".

Gambling and prostitution, already being legal in some parts of the US, need to be expanded to be legal coast to coast. This would create huge numbers of new jobs, and make all of the illegal gambling that goes on in every city legal, making the men running them legitimate business men. As for prostitution, it need not be on every street, perhaps it could be zoned for only certain areas of a city. Prostitution could also be legal so long as it was sold directly on the street. George Carlin said it best: "Why should prostitution be illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal?".

Now, as cliche as it might be, marijuana being legalized would also ease our problems. Some studies say it would raise billions in tax dollars. I have no experience with it, so I will not speak further about it. 

Just a few thoughts. I welcome yours. politics

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Teen Suicide.

This is something we should be encouraging. Teenagers think they have it bad, so rather than try to show them they have it easy, lets tell them they should just end it. This would ease many problems. After all, the only ones that would do it are the weakest ones, and we don't need them anyway.

Think of the problems this could solve. Classroom sizes would be smaller. When you encounter a teenage cashier (or what have you) there would be far less chance of them handing you huge amounts of attitude. Fewer young drivers on the road, which would make the roads safer to a degree. Most importantly. few young people bitching about things that don't really matter.

There are many ways we could encourage teen suicide. Posters around schools with slogans like "Think you got its bad, then end it pussy". Guidance councilors could handout motivational pamphlets on the subject.  Outside of schools, television could help us with commercials with some celebrities trying to work off community service hours. Perhaps a nice after school special, where it should how much better the world could be without certain students.

Just think what the world could be like.

Monday, June 13, 2011

The "R" Word.

When did the word "retard" join he list of forbidden words? You know the list I mean, the "N" word, the "C" word, and so forth. Last I checked "retard" is a medical term, it should be no more offensive than "obese" or "pregnant". When did this happen? Who is to blame for this?

I don't know when this came to pass, it would have to of been recently. For a long time euphemisms have been used for "retard": slow, special, differently able. However, these were all far less common to hear than "retard".

This is not because of the retards. They don't care. The blame for this is on the parents and handlers of the retards. They are trying to protect a group of people that don't need protection. After all, the phrase "retard strong" came form some where.

I mean no disrespect, and bare no ill will toward any retarded disabled individual. I simply hate euphemisms, and hate political correctness.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Internet Reviewers.

The internet allows anyone to find a place to express their opinions on any topic. Some people use this as a tool to become reviewers and critics of different forms of media. These can come in many forms, a blog (not unlike this one), a talking head video, or something far more complex. However, there is a subset of reviewers and critics that tend to half-ass it a bit.

The subset I refer to are the ones that only talk about things which they know are bad going in. They do he worst movies, the worst games, books, television, and so forth. This is lazy, it is easy to take something that is known to be horrid, and say why. It is much harder on the other hand to take an unknown item and then give us a review. If you always review the bottom 10%, half your work is already done for you.

I know many of these kind of reviewers can be successful in what they do. I bare no ill will toward them. It would just be nice if they would try a little harder, and throw a curve once in a while.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Steam.

I think it is safe to assume most of the people reading this either use or have knowledge of "Steam". That wonderful direct to drive service that sell software cheap. I just formatted my computer and now have to download everything on my Steam account again.

It is a problem to re-download  all your stuff again, you can uninstall and re-download as much as you like. However, there is one problem, that Steam only seems to allow you to go at a little better than 2 megs a second. That might not sound bad, but when you have 200 gigs of stuff to download it becomes more of a problem. I am not talking abut this to brag, I just wish Steam could upload just a little faster.

Don't get me wrong, I love Steam, at it seems to have the fewest problems of any direct to drive service. I can't imagine getting along without it.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

An all Commercial Channel.

The name says it all. A channel with no shows, a channel that is 24 hours a day of nothing but commercials. Commercials of all kinds, not all necessarily current.  Never stopping, in one long ever last block.

Oh course some add would buy a time to be shown, as on regular channels. Other older commercials would be played at certain times, tune in at 8pm for an hour of beer commercials, at 6am for Lego, etc. With a premium on buy time during these time for unrelated products, as they would stand out from the crowd.

This leads to how one advertises a channel of all advertisements. We don't call are programing advertisements or commercials, we all them "micro programs". Just think of how the ad will go; "Remember all your favorite Micro Programs of the past, we have them all ACP". ACP meaning "All Commercial Programing".

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Insomnia.

Insomnia is something I deal with on a regular basis. There is no good way to deal with it. You can ride it out and feel and look like hell the next morning, or you can take some pills that will ensure you are half dead and slow the next morning. Neither opinion is very good. You might think a exercise will grant you rest, it won't just adds "soreness" to the list of hells of the night after. All of this would be fine, if not for the two other problems that come with insomnia.

The two worst parts of insomnia are: the large amount of useless advice you get that doesn't help, and the lack of anything to blame it on. So the worst parts are well meaning assholes, and that horrid question "why?". These things are not pet peeves, they may just be major psychotic hatreds for me. 

The advice never helps, as it comes from people that have never had a real problem with insomnia. It comes in three basic flavors. There is the "do this before bed", the "do this during the day", and worst of all "can't you just close your eye and be asleep?". Honestly, if I could just close my eye and be asleep, do you think I would have this problem?

The other problem is that there doesn't seem to be a root cause for insomnia. It simple comes on, and the hell begins. It goes away, but it will be back. It is like psychological herpes, doesn't bother you every day, but when it does...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

At the Gym.

I try to go the gym on a daily basis. Certain things at the gym are annoying to me, so I try to go at times when they generally speaking won't be an issue. I like to go when the gym is nearly empty, when there is very little noise, not much in the way of overlap in who wants to use what equipment. This means I try to go between 10am and 3pm, after the people that come before work have gone, but before high-schools have gotten out. This has worked well for me up until recently.

Recently  a gentleman that works as a trainer at gym I go to, 24 Hour Fitness if you are interested, has started doing his personal workout around the same time as myself. This wouldn't be a problem for me, however there is the issue of the sheer amount of noise he makes. He yells loud greetings to everyone he sees, he "sings" off key at high volume, and grunts so load each rep can be heard from across the gym. There is no reason for this gentleman to make this amount of noise. I am honestly curious as to what makes him feel this is necessary.

I have a theory about why he does this. I think he wants attention. He makes more noise than the average group of teenage girls.  I don't like to cause conflict, but this is making my time at the gym most unbearable.

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Internet.

The internet is a strange place. You faceless, and the normal rules of civility would seem not to apply. One can go anywhere, and be as racist, sexist, ignorant, and completely unpleasant, without anyone minding one little bit. This seems to get worse everyday, as people seems to try to take further and further. I just wonder where this will end...

On the other hand, if you present a valid opinion you may find that the others on the internet will want you blood. Oddly the more reasonable you try to be, the worse your blood is wants. What causes this? It is the faceless nature of everything? I don't know.

This was just something I have been rolling around in my head for a while. I welcome your thoughts.