I want...

 I want a toilet with a built in scale. Not to weigh the person on the toilet. Just to weight the contents of the toilet. Could add a way to see the volume too. Be nice to know if really did break your old record.

I want a game controller that measures the vital signs of the user. Also, the pressure they are holding the controller with. I want to know what games are really the most stressful. 

 I want a streaming service that only has television show that lasted one season. A streaming service of failure. 

 I want a special feature that just tells you how much everyone was paid. So you could see how over paid the stars are, and how underpaid everyone else is. 

I want an online store that will tell you which product reviews are fake. 

I want...

Can We All Calm Down?

For the second time in recent memory I have an encounter with a hostile person while shopping. The details don't matter, I did my best not to escalate the situation. Having this happen again leads me to think that we all just need to calm down. 

The world is a very stressful place right now. The situation doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. So can we all just step back? Can we all just take a moment to think before flying off the handle?

The stress part is only going to get worse. We are heading into the holidays, and that is bad time for everyone I have ever meet. We got to avoid the plague, while trying to shop in large crowds, to buy things for people we mostly can't stand.

So before anyone chooses to engage, can we all just take a moment to ask if our issue really matters that much? 

Last post this year.

Well this is the end of the third year of this blog. It is great that there are readers that come here every week. Lets not end the year on a negative note. Instead, lets be a little positive.

Long term readers of this blog will know that we are not generally kind to Christmas here, so lets talk about the good parts of the holiday season. In fact lets have a top ten of good things about this time of year.

10. My mothers banana bread. I know only I get to enjoy, but still I love it.

9. Seeing the smiles of friends as they open gifts.

8. Giving a little cash to charity.

7. Reconnection with those you are estranged from.

6. Steam sale.

5. Cheap candy the day after Christmas.

4. Shopping violence.

3. Suicide rates go up. Always gives me hopes that one of my enemies will end it all.

2. Hearing the wistful stories of holiday drunks.

1. Being incredibly grateful to not be working retail this holiday season.

Well it really did happen...

I warned this would happen last year. People thought I was joking, but no it really happened. There is a "Black Friday" sale that is starting on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Christmas has now officially taken over Thanksgiving.

The horde is coming early this year, and every year from now on.

Now the day before Thanksgiving people will be trampled to death. This will give some families so much to be thankful for. Is half off a TV worth a human life? The average "Black Friday" shopper thinks so.

This will get worse next year. 2014 will have a "Black Friday" sale on Tuesday. The next year Monday. In only a few short years "Black Friday" will be the day after Halloween. How long will Halloween hold the line against the horrors of the Christmas shoppers? How much of the year will be enough to appease Christmas? The truth is that unless something is done the whole year will be given over to the Christmas season. .

We must do something to stop the spread of Christmas. We need to say "no" to Christmas. We need to fight Christmas. We need to find Santa, we need to hang him for his crimes. The elves too must be punished, perhaps through a series of elf on elf death fights. The reindeer can be made into tasty sausage. We must stop Chirstmas, it may already be too late. Still we must give it a fight.

The Good Part Of Any Holiday.

Valentine's Day has come and gone. It is a a holiday that is a bit of chore if you are man, and free gifts if you are a woman. Putting that aside, it is another holiday where hoards of overpriced novelties are made available before hand and sold incredibly cheaply afterward. That is the great part of most of the worst holidays, the very cheap candy one can find the day after. Christmas, Valentine's, Easter,  all horrid waste of time, but the day after each of them one can find high quality candies and chocolate at rock bottom prices.

Now to get the best stuff you will need to get to the store early, when they open if possible. You then need to sprint to holiday section, and be ready to push old women out of the way. You aren't the only person here with a plan to get cheap chocolate, you may need to be ready to knock some people out. The best stuff will go quickly, and if you get there too late all you will fine are off brands, and the stuff no one wants in the first place. After you have found your prize, take it to the register and get ready to be shocked at how cheap everything has become after only one day.

A good haul will set you up for your candy need till at least the next holiday. Yes the candy will be themed to whatever holiday you got it after, but that is alright, after all  Reese's peanut butter heart or egg tastes just as good as a peanut butter cup. You can use your hoard of holiday candy to  confuse people, as no one expects a Milky Way Santa in June. If you have any small children you see regularly they will be very happy to get conversation  hearts or marshmallow chicks weeks and months after the holidays they are made for.

Remember just because a holiday is a pain in the ass waste of time, it doesn't mean it is completely without charm. So after every holiday be ready to get needlessly violent in the name of saving a few dollars. It is fun, and profitable.

Children in stores.

It doesn't matter where you go. Everywhere large amounts of screaming children can be found. The parents seem either unwilling, or worse, unable to do anything about their little bastards. The children in and of themselves do not offend me, it is the excessive amount of noise they generate that gets to me. We are not talking about babies here, we are talking about ones old enough to know better. Something must be done.

The parents should be silencing their children, or at least teaching them not to scream at all times. Electric collars would be a nice way to keep them quiet, few thousand volts every time they get past a certain level of sound. After 4 of 5 shocks, they would not be screaming anymore. Or a good well timed slap would serve just as well, but it would need to be while the child is making the noise, or the child may not understand why it is getting slapped. In general a parent could do much to prevent the noise.

If the parents are unwilling to take discipline in to their hands (in which case they should have their children taken away, but that is another blog) then the other people at the store should be allowed to fill the role of disciplinarian. Low power cattle prods could be carried into store to keep loud and annoying children inline. The stores could have the security guards roam the isles with duct tape, a few layers of that would teach a child a valuable lesson. If these methods fail, we could train large dogs to attack anything making to much noise, sure some kids might not make it, but is that to much to pay for a quiet shopping experience.

In the end, we just need to make children understand screams are for seriously bad things, not everyday. However, if they must scream, why not give them a reason?