Monday, May 28, 2012

The Offender is now on Twitter. Bonus, funny thoughts.

Sorry folks, I am out of town this week. Not much time this week, so this is going be kind of light. As the title says I am now on twitter, The Offender @TheOffenderBlog , please do follow.

A few thoughts to make you laugh however...

They now make Watermelon Sunny D. Is there a joke to make about this that isn't racist? Didn't help that it had a coupon on it for fried chicken when I saw it.

Summer is here, and all the joys it brings. By joys I mean women wearing the bare minimum. There is nothing else good about summer. Maybe the Steam summer sale, depends what is on it.

I hear Alf might get a feature length film. That is what we need more of in cinema, puppets. Really bad looking puppets. He wants to eat your cat, and is furry. A lot of things from the 80's were because of  cocaine, they come back today because of nostalgia... horribly horribly misplaced nostalgia.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Restaurants Annoyances.

Everyone enjoys going out for a meal every so often. Not fast food, but a meal at a place where you are seated and served. Could be a diner, could be fine dining, but no matter the quality or style certain little annoyances happen all too often.

When you first set down you are usually imediately offered a drink. This should be simple, but in the last few years something new started happening. You say "Coke" or "diet Coke" and they reply "is Pepsi alright?", as if that is going to ruin the entire meal. This didn't used to happen. Did some lawsuit happen so now they need to correct you on what they have? I want something cold, wet, and mildly fizzy, just bring me what ever is on tap. This is easily the second worst thing about getting a drink.

While were on the subject of ordering drinks; why do some restaurants feel the need to put lemon wedges in your soda? The reason you ordered your drink, is almost certainly because you like the taste, adding this lemon garnish changes the taste. Why would do they feel the need to do this? It is like when you are getting a blow job and the chick reaches around to put a finger in your ass. You didn't ask for that, and you do want it. If you ask her about it, or the server about the lemon wedge, they will both say "well, some people like it", well some of the people you do this with are into some strange shit honey.

Then there are the people you are with. If you are in a group of three or more, someone is going to special order. Not a simple special order either, a simple one is fine, a "hold this" or "extra that", that is fine. What gets annoying is the person who has to make a change to nearly every part of the dish they ordered. Everyone else took no more than 10 seconds to order, and he is on minute 25 of exactly how he wants his dish made. If you need to make more than one change to what you are ordering, you do want it, so don't order it. This behavior just leads to your food being spit in.

All that being said, it is still better than cooking some nights. If only we could just cut a few things from the experience. Just perfect it a bit.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Offensive Ideas.

This blog is called "The Offender". It has however been pointed out that there has a lack of "offensive" content as of late. This is debatable, as what is offensive varies greatly from person to person. So lets see how offensive we can be, but while also making it funny.

The best reason not to cheat on a woman is it is too much work. One woman takes up enough of your time. You spend a great deal of time with the first woman, talking on the phone, going places, getting meals, seeing films, so forth. Do you really want to double the time you spend doing these things with a second woman? Sure you would get more pussy, but you are doing so much more work for it.

Abortion is always a good option. Childhood is a horrible thing, for both the child, and the people around the child. So do everyone a favor and go for an abortion. Your doing the kid a favor, public school (and private for that matter) is a hell no one needs, and your not going to be a fit parent anyway. Beside think how much money you will save in the long run without having a kid around. Also it is one less child to make noise in restaurants.

Jesus loves porn. I hear his collection is both expansive, and filled with the truly bizarre.

We should really be doing something with dead people. They are dead, but they could still contribute. We could process corpses in to chemicals for farming, or for pharmaceuticals. Or we could raise money by renting corpses out to necrophiliacs. It just seems silly to just bury this potential resource. Also how much money is just left in the ground in the form metals used in fillings and implants, or in false hips. Seems like all of that could be melted down and used again.

So this should cover us on offensive content for a while.

Monday, May 7, 2012

What to do when your sick.

Everyone gets sick. This leads to a lot of staying home and having time on your hands. You could just rest and try to feel better, or you could put this new found time to use. After all you are sick, and no one is going to be around. With no bullshit from other people to deal with, you can finally get some things done.

Got someone in you hold a grudge with? Why not use your sick time to plan your revenge. You have a couple of days here, you can at the very least lay out the broad strokes. While you might not have time to iron out all the details, but you could get half way there. You could even use your ailment as part of the plan. You likely have many, disgusting, things oozing out of you; why not use them to your advantage? Of course, some people aren't in to revenge.

If you are sick, you are home, and if you are reading this you have access to a computer. Why not do somethings online? Maybe start a new hobby. You could take up bully or stalking someone on the internet. It doesn't need to be someone you know, it can be someone picked at random. Some people say it should be crime, but it isn't. If you are very good at it, you might even drive someone to suicide.

Now some of you might want to be more practical. Everyone has a backlog of something. Could be books that need to be read, movies that need to be watched, games that need to be played, or some other such thing. The daily grind often leave you with little time for you interests, why not use sick time to work through some of your backlog. disease

Being sick can be an annoying experience, but you can do things to make it more worthwhile. Or you could just sleep. Then again, why sleep when you could be having a good time?

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

This Really Exists Vol. 1

Sometimes you are dumbfounded to find that something actually exists. You may wonder why it exists, or who it was meant for, but in the end you can think of no answers. One such thing is the commentary tracks that are on pornographic DVDs. Yes, director and actor commentary on pornography. It would seem that it is so hard to understand the actor's motivation, or the effect the director was hoping to attain, that we need to hear what they have to say to clarify what is going on.

His motivation? Could it be banging a hot 20 year old?
These are movies made for people to masturbate too. Is the commentary track there for a fetish of some kind? Is there someone watching that can't get off without hearing the director talking about what went wrong on set? The directors don't have much to say, the commentary track doesn't seem to be their idea. It is great to learn how many takes it took get the money shot just right. Without that information, how could you ever get off?

The actors are far worse than the director. The men don't have much to say, just how many scenes they did that day, or which actresses they enjoy working with. The women on the other hand have lots to say, and none of it is anything you want to hear. The women want to tell the story of how they started doing porn. That story always starts with molestation, and usually incest. Not really things you want to hear when about to rub one out.

Thank you porn industry. Without commentary what would we ever do? How would we ever learn things we don't want to know?