Saturday, May 25, 2013

Vampires Questions

Vampires are in popular culture a lot lately. This is nothing new as vampire myths are found in nearly all cultures. They take many different forms in world myths, and in various popular fiction. However, there are a few basic questions that never seem to get answered about them.

The need to consume blood is an extremely common theme with vampires. How much blood does a vampire need daily? Is a pint enough? Or do they need several gallons a day? Does it need to be human blood? Would pig, or cow blood work? What is it in the blood they need? Is it just the red cells, or is the plasma needed in the vampire diet? Or is it just the iron and water that are in blood? Could supplements be a substitute for the blood? Is it only blood that can satisfy a vampire? Could they use the marrow? Or any other bodily fluids for that matter?

Generally speaking vampires have fangs. These usually look like nothing more than enlarged canine teeth, but what are they really? Are they like hypodermic needles that extract the blood? Or are they just sharp teeth that make a hole that the blood is licked from (like a large feline)? Are the fangs really necessary in modern vampires? The lower teeth a vampire don't seem to have a place built in for the fangs to go, so how does a vampire close their mouth? Do the fangs retract? Also, do the fangs need sharpened ever?

Why is it modern vampires are so sexually over charged? What happened to the "Nosferatu" style of vampire? Predators are not sexual attractive to their prey. Gazelle don't want to fuck lions, nor do rabbits want to bang wolves. Having sex with your food just seems like a bad idea.

Also, modern vampires don't seem to act alone anymore. There seems to be a trend of vampires having a large secret society in modern fiction. Why don't they work alone anymore? Dracula worked alone, seemed like it was going good for him.  While there are pack hunters, most predators work alone. Do they really need blood in such amounts that they need to band together to ensure a regular supply?

Now vampires do have a lot of weaknesses that generally would get in the way of normal life. Sunlight comes to mind. Since the sun is a problem, how do they do thing that need to be done in the day? How does a vampire handle jury duty, or going to the DMV? They might be feeding on people, but they still need to somehow hide within the society they are finding prey in. For that matter, how do they take a drug test for a job, or pass a physical? How do they explain the lack of aging to the people they must interact with on daily (nightly?) basis?

Anyone have some insight to any of this?

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Two things that should exist.

These are a two things that don't seem to exist anywhere. At least "Google" didn't seem to know of where to find examples of these ideas in practice. If you know of an example of one of these, please do tell.

Why has there never been someone sexually abusing a zombie in any medium. Never read a story where this has happened, never seen a movie where this happened either. Seems like some sick person would capture a zombie for sexual exploitation. It wouldn't even need to be intentional, what if a submissive at somekind of BDSM dungeon came down with the zombie plague and no one noticed? Also, would a zombie plague be sexual transmissible? Aside from that, would you this technically count any of this as necrophilia?
Would you?

Some really  good jokes about abortion. Seems like this is a subject that is overlooked in the joke department. Or how about using an aborted fetus as a character in a comedy? What if you did a period movie about Jesus, only he was miscarried by Mary, and now a fetus Jesus need to go through the whole story including getting nailed up? That is some comedy gold right there.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Happy Mother's Day

Get your mother something nice this year. Flowers are nice, but try to get something a little more personal. Think for a moment about what she would like, and then get it for her. Don't be cheap, don't be thoughtless. This conclude the practical advice portion of this blog.

How do you think people with an oedipus complex feel about Mother's Day? Well they obviously have a gift they would like to give their mother, but know she wouldn't be cool with it. Needless to say, this is likely not the best time to reveal these feelings. Well... maybe... if she is REAL open-minded about things.

If you get an abortion on Mother's Day can you still celebrate? Or is the abortion itself enough of a reason to celebrate? You know the father is doing a dance after the abortion.

Fast food restaurants are even crowded on mother's day. That might just be the saddest thing about this holiday.

Sunday, May 5, 2013


Summer movies tend to hit and miss. However they always seem to bring fanboys out. Movies make them come out in public, out of their parent's homes, and take their lips off the barrel of a gun. They come out and act socially awkward, and overtly defensive. Worse of all, we have to deal with them. This rarely, if ever, ends well.

The fanboy is a horrid creature. One that sadly we are forced to deal with far to often this time of year. There is no known way to purge us of them, so instead we need to identify them quickly, and avoid the places they roam. Sadly if you like movies, avoiding there habitats may not be an option. Don't worry however, there numbers don't grow much as women want no part of them, and top scientist are working on a poison that will kill them and not the average person.  Donation might help their work to that end along. In the mean time, there are a few things one can look for in order to spot them. Here are five universal traits of the fanboy.

5. Defending things to the death.

They can often be found being overly defensive about legitimate criticism. Be it movie, book, comic, or game, if you say anything other then how great it is they flip out. It could be minor, but it is a word against there love, and they can't take it. Fanboys love things the way a child loves mommy, and can't take a word against mommy.

4. Creepiness.

This isn't always visual. This can happen as you are talking to them, and suddenly you notice talk on a certain subject really gets them going. When this happens, you should run. An aroused fanboy might try to rape you, and all because you talked about the last Marvel comic movie.

3. Bad Hygiene.

When you only friends are inanimate objects, you just stop caring. Oddly enough, they are filthy, but everything they are into is perfectly clean. Not a disk has a scratch on it, not page bent, somehow the grease on there hands never makes it on to their objects of obsession. This phenomenon needs study.

2. Emotionally unstable.

They get go form gleefully happy, to crying, to violently angry all in a matter of seconds. Why? Because you don't view what they love as perfect. Luckily, they are usually not in good enough shape to do much in the way of violence. A general lack of contact with others seems to cause this.

1. Claim you are not smart enough to "get it".

This is something only the most obvious and pathetic fanboys do. They know they have no way to defend there greatest love, so they try claim superiority. This is sad to see. It is very transparent, and has never really worked. Yet somehow, it has stayed as the most common defensive tactic used by the fanboy.

Donate today. We can find a cure for "fanboy" in our lifetime.